It seems as if for a while my head has been cluttered and my mind has been in the clouds. Junior year was a year for discovering the person I wanted to be and the people I wanted to surround myself with. It was a whirl wind; full of academics, late night cuddle sessions, drama, lacrosse games, Wyldlife on Thursdays, a year that I didn't want to end because it felt like a fairy tale. But junior year came to an end, and I have begun to prepare for my trip to Africa in two days. I'll be gone for three weeks. No phone, no twitter, no instagram, no facebook. I'm so excited but I have no idea what God has in store for me.
Back in May, I asked God to make me completely His. I asked the Lord to take everything from me and do His will in my life. I asked Him to take me and break me. He did in fact, just break every part of me, even my heart. Earlier, this summer, my boyfriend of a year and some odd months, broke up with me. Now, I'll spare you the details, because they don't really matter. What matters is that Sam is still an incredible human being, but we both need to figure out who we want to be. We had spent our whole junior year together, being known as the other's boyfriend or girlfriend. As much as I loved that title, I think it's refreshing to know that I'm going to get a new "label" from the Lord this summer.
I've been asking the Lord to constantly do His will in me. I've been asking God to give me more of Him, and to fill my cup. I've been asking Him to keep breaking me until I am completely His. That's all I really want at this point. All I want is to know Jesus and make Him known. Recently, I've had to give up control of my life, and let Jesus do what He wants with it. For me, that is so hard because I love control and I hate the unknown. I hate being alone.
But the Lord is teaching me that the season of independence is not about actually being alone, it's a season of being 100% dependent on who He is and His plans for my life. Yes, there are many nights where I am physically alone, and emotionally, I am a wreck, but Jesus' truth has remained true. He is never going to leave or forsake me. Maybe He had to take Sam out of my life so that I can learn how to truly be dependent on the Lord. And I hate that I feel so alone, but in the moments where I'm curled up in a ball crying, He comforts me. He tells me I am chosen. He tells me He wants me. He tells me that I am wanted. He tells me that there is hope for this broken heart. He is mending me, He is making me new again. I am so lonely in this season, but I know that the Lord is stringing together this plan so delicately, because He has shown me.
I'm tired of feeling this way; broken, bitter, hurt, angry, sad. But I know that in the midst of all this emotion, God is calling me to a place where I can seek joy and know beauty. The Lord is calling me to a place of creativity and healing, where I can shout His praise at the tops of my lungs. He is calling me to a place where I have always dreamed about going- Africa.
Africa is my dream. I want to live there and be so present in all that is happening there. I want to help and to serve and to fall deeply in love with the wind and the sky and the soil. I want to fall deeply in love with the culture and the hope in the eyes of broken people. I want to be there. And in two short days, I will be. And I believe that when I get there, the Lord will speak to me in new ways and He will continue to reveal His truth to me. I am so excited. I know that it will be so good for my broken heart to find joy in simplicity and put my hurt into making beauty. I want to feel God, and I want to move towards Him.
In the midst of this hurt, I am falling so in love with the Lord. I have never wanted anything more than I have ever wanted Jesus this summer. It's not even that I want Jesus for myself, I want Jesus for my wildlife girls and for my friends. I want them to want Jesus like I do. And I think that's why we're here, so that we can want Jesus for ourselves, and want Jesus for others.
I hope that the rest of my summer is spent with Jesus, wanting Him, seeking Him, loving Him, praising Him. I hope the rest of my summer is spent finding joy in the "label" that the Lord is calling me to. Friends, I am in the thick of the season of worldly independence, but even more thick in the season of dependence on the Lord. I am learning that my new label, is "Sara Davis: chosen child of the Most High King."
I hope to keep you updated while in Africa, if not
Love Hard Friends
