22 hours, 1500 miles later, a few days in, cold showers and countless times of walking into random rooms to make friends, I am finally starting to adjust to a new life.
Adulting is straight up hard and it's so scary when you don't have a two hour drive home. Honestly, after I dropped my dad off at the Charlotte airport, I felt so terrified yet excited for what was to come. I couldn't wait to get back to Boone and make my dorm room look cute and I couldn't wait to make new friends. I did get back to my dorm room and I attempted to make my room look and feel homey, but since it's so humid here, and there is no AC in my building (huge bummer, I'm dealing with it though), nothing would stick to my walls. I felt defeated. I went to bed thinking that I had just made the biggest mistake of my life by moving to a new state where I didn't know a single soul. Sunday morning, I woke up and ventured out on my own to get more stuff for my room. I felt so alone running my errands and I called my mom crying, asking her to come out and get me. I didn't think that I was making the right choice for myself, I was so uncomfortable. My mom refused to come get me, so I sat in my car and I started praying. I knew that Jesus had something for me here, I just knew it. He wouldn't have sent me against my own will to CCR with my wyldlife girls to meet Olivia (she goes to App with me), and I knew that He had promises to fulfill here. But I didn't want to be here. So I sat and prayed and cried and asked Jesus for friends when I returned back to my dorm. I came back to being forced out of my room to go on a nature walk with all the girls on my floor. Reluctantly, I went. It turns out, it was the sweetness of the Lord alluring me into the wilderness (kind of) and speaking tenderly to me. (Hosea 2:14). After my rant at God in the car, something changed and I made friends with girls who love Jesus so much and have no interest in partying, but rather venture into the thickness of the Light and Truth. How cool is that?? I am beyond thankful for what the Lord is doing in my life and being away from home has made me realize so many things about myself that I didn't really want to face. So if you get a text or a call from me in the near future, answer it. I want to talk to you.
In my short time of being at App, I have walked up and down hills countless times being self conscious thinking I was the only person in the town sweating because of the humidity and it really concerned me. I am constantly feeling greasy and sweaty and when I said I wanted to come to App, I didn't really think about how humid it would be and how much I would struggle to adjust. But that's just the thing, I am having a hard time getting my physical self to adjust to the hills and humidity, but my emotional and spiritual self have never felt more at home.
During my senior year, I knew that God had promises for me, but I also didn't want any of it because I wanted to live a life that was pleasing to society's eye. I wanted to get endless amounts of likes on my instagram, I wanted to look perfect and wear brand name clothes (I admit, I still do, but not as much), I wanted to be popular. I wanted to live in the world. I didn't want anything to do with God, I didn't think He had much to offer me because He wasn't being the Goodness that He promised me. So for a year, I cared about what I looked like, I cared about my instagram likes, I cared about what brand I wore. But here, that's not what it's about for me. I have friends (hopefully) who from the moment I met them have been pointing me to the cross, who have unbecomingly encouraged me to look towards the cross. Who have made me reflect back on who I was in Colorado and realize that's not who I want to be.
Growing up in an era where social media is all the hype is hard. Instagram likes, Facebook comments, Twitter favorites, they seem like the whole world, but in reality, it's not. It's all superficial. In the past few weeks of posting on social media I have started to notice that I get more likes on pictures that don't talk about Christ openly vs. when I do, people don't really like them as much. I wonder why that is? I think it's because people are scared to really be unappealing to the world. That if we mention we love something other than status, we are no longer relevant. But here's what I have to say to that: it doesn't matter. Our relevance matters in the Lord's eyes and heart and not in society's eyes.
I am frustrated, because I think that young girls would be a lot less pressured to pretend to be someone they aren't on social media if the world was not constantly throwing stupid ideas right into their faces. Likes don't define who we are. Clothing doesn't define who we are. Our friends don't even define who we are. At the end of the day, no matter what choices we make, our heart is still going to be the same, even if we are covering it up. We have the capability to say no to what society wants from us and to start living a life we are proud of, not one where it gets likes.
I am not perfect, I lived in a world where I wanted millions of likes on my pictures, but if I have learned anything in the humidity and the hills and all the walks alone, is that that life no longer appeals to me. I want people to know my heart and I want people to see me as this authentic human being who makes mistakes, but has no shame because I know my Creator.
The sweetness of the Lord is real, y'all. And I am so encouraged by the girls that I have just met (now my friends) to be more genuine and vulnerable than I have ever been before. I may be so homesick, but I have never felt more like myself. I will bask in that. I will bask in the promises of the Lord that I am receiving this year.
Love from the humidity and sweat,
Sar
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Limited Time
Back in May, I walked across the Littleton Public Schools Stadium and received my high school diploma. Back in May, I was so wishy washy on who I wanted to be and what I wanted for my life. Here I am, two months later, packing up my whole life into boxes and suitcases getting ready to move onto the next adventure: Boone, North Carolina. If I'm being completely honest, I am scared out of my mind. There are even some nights where I'm wide awake with wheels turning in my head because I have no idea what I have gotten myself into. This summer I have answered the same question over and over and over again, "why North Carolina?" Truthfully, I'm not quite sure. A lot of it has to do with the fact that my mentor and older sister figure, Carlee, suggested I apply to schools in North Carolina. But, I don't think she actually thought I would ever go to school in North Carolina. Low and behold, I am. I think what lured me in the most to the beautiful state, was that I didn't know anyone there; I could recreate the person that I wanted to be.
However, the Lord had completely different plans in store for me this summer. Instead of constantly hanging out with friends and flirting with boys, I have been hanging out with elementary and middle school kids (as their nanny and Wyldlife leader), I have finished two TV shows on Netflix, I have spent countless hours driving to and from the mountains for worship nights with RMR and to spend time with my favorite ranch family (Evelyn and Isaiah and soon to be baby sister), I have spent numerous nights cuddled up next to my mom, and I have spent hours upon hours mediating on the goodness of the Lord. I am baffled at how much has changed in the last two months. I feel like a completely new person. I no longer sulk or sit in my brokenness and pain. I deal with it. I pray about it, I present it to the Lord and then let it go. In the past two months, I have learned how to let go of bitterness and only invite love and peace into my heart. I stopped playing the victim and finally decided to go out and live and love and be who I have wanted to be for so long. I haven't lived off anyone else's schedule but mine. I have up and left and been MIA for days and it feels so good. I am so thankful for this summer, even though it has been the most anxiety filled summer yet. When summer started, I had to decide that I couldn't go back to Uganda in June and July because I didn't raise enough money. I was beyond bummed about it. What made things worse, is my friends and I decided that we weren't going to go on the Lake Powell trip with RMR, which in the end hurt my heart so much. I've been laying low, hoping to find an adventure just around the corner. And that's just what's about to happen...
I have 13 days left in Colorado. 5 of those 13 days will be spent with my wyldlife girls at CCR in Fraser and I am excited about it, but also bummed I'll be missing out on things back home. I have yet to start packing all of my clothes and memories into boxes. I have yet to say most of my goodbyes, but I question if I need to start saying some of them... When will I see you next? I am terrified to say goodbye to my best friends, to my mom and my dad and my brother, my dog, my nana and papa? What if I have already said some of my goodbyes and I just don't know it yet? Have I told the people who mean the most to me that I love them? When will I be back in Colorado? What will everyone's life look like in the next 5 months? With all these questions circling around in my head, I believe that God is teaching me a valuable lesson. Trust. In Him. Just be His.
At night when I can't sleep, I have been reading the book of Hosea and how precious is that book. God has some pretty epic promises in that book, especially for girls. I think the verse that I have been clinging to, throughout the summer of change/loneliness/anxiety, is Hosea 2:14; "Therefore, I am now going to allure he; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her." North Carolina may not exactly be the wilderness, but it sure is a place where I am isolated (only 1,500 miles) away from everything comfortable. The book Redeeming Love comes to mind overtime I read a chapter from Hosea. It's because Redeeming Love is actually based off of Hosea. And in that book, the main character is named Sarah. But her name changes numerous times because she is a harlot, and most of the time her name is Angel. As the story goes on, Angel's husband begins to give her new names, ones that fit her. One of the names he mentions is Tirzah, meaning she is my delight. And after a night of tears and stumbling upon Hosea 2:14, the Lord spoke over me and called me "Tirzah". He was reassuring me that I am His delight. Guys, the Lord is so good.
We have had an amazing summer together, I am learning more and more about Him and His glory. While I only have 13 days left in Littleton, God has so graciously redeemed the vision I once had of it. What once was Shittleton to me, is now good ol' Littleton, full of glory and goodness and silly memories. There is limited time with the people I hold closest to my heart, but the is unlimited time with a God who calls me His, who delights in me, who reveals His glory to me, who loves me. This time is bittersweet and terrifying, but the Lord is good. And I know He will show up in all of my adventures near or far away from the sweet streets of Littleton.
Sara
However, the Lord had completely different plans in store for me this summer. Instead of constantly hanging out with friends and flirting with boys, I have been hanging out with elementary and middle school kids (as their nanny and Wyldlife leader), I have finished two TV shows on Netflix, I have spent countless hours driving to and from the mountains for worship nights with RMR and to spend time with my favorite ranch family (Evelyn and Isaiah and soon to be baby sister), I have spent numerous nights cuddled up next to my mom, and I have spent hours upon hours mediating on the goodness of the Lord. I am baffled at how much has changed in the last two months. I feel like a completely new person. I no longer sulk or sit in my brokenness and pain. I deal with it. I pray about it, I present it to the Lord and then let it go. In the past two months, I have learned how to let go of bitterness and only invite love and peace into my heart. I stopped playing the victim and finally decided to go out and live and love and be who I have wanted to be for so long. I haven't lived off anyone else's schedule but mine. I have up and left and been MIA for days and it feels so good. I am so thankful for this summer, even though it has been the most anxiety filled summer yet. When summer started, I had to decide that I couldn't go back to Uganda in June and July because I didn't raise enough money. I was beyond bummed about it. What made things worse, is my friends and I decided that we weren't going to go on the Lake Powell trip with RMR, which in the end hurt my heart so much. I've been laying low, hoping to find an adventure just around the corner. And that's just what's about to happen...
I have 13 days left in Colorado. 5 of those 13 days will be spent with my wyldlife girls at CCR in Fraser and I am excited about it, but also bummed I'll be missing out on things back home. I have yet to start packing all of my clothes and memories into boxes. I have yet to say most of my goodbyes, but I question if I need to start saying some of them... When will I see you next? I am terrified to say goodbye to my best friends, to my mom and my dad and my brother, my dog, my nana and papa? What if I have already said some of my goodbyes and I just don't know it yet? Have I told the people who mean the most to me that I love them? When will I be back in Colorado? What will everyone's life look like in the next 5 months? With all these questions circling around in my head, I believe that God is teaching me a valuable lesson. Trust. In Him. Just be His.
At night when I can't sleep, I have been reading the book of Hosea and how precious is that book. God has some pretty epic promises in that book, especially for girls. I think the verse that I have been clinging to, throughout the summer of change/loneliness/anxiety, is Hosea 2:14; "Therefore, I am now going to allure he; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her." North Carolina may not exactly be the wilderness, but it sure is a place where I am isolated (only 1,500 miles) away from everything comfortable. The book Redeeming Love comes to mind overtime I read a chapter from Hosea. It's because Redeeming Love is actually based off of Hosea. And in that book, the main character is named Sarah. But her name changes numerous times because she is a harlot, and most of the time her name is Angel. As the story goes on, Angel's husband begins to give her new names, ones that fit her. One of the names he mentions is Tirzah, meaning she is my delight. And after a night of tears and stumbling upon Hosea 2:14, the Lord spoke over me and called me "Tirzah". He was reassuring me that I am His delight. Guys, the Lord is so good.
We have had an amazing summer together, I am learning more and more about Him and His glory. While I only have 13 days left in Littleton, God has so graciously redeemed the vision I once had of it. What once was Shittleton to me, is now good ol' Littleton, full of glory and goodness and silly memories. There is limited time with the people I hold closest to my heart, but the is unlimited time with a God who calls me His, who delights in me, who reveals His glory to me, who loves me. This time is bittersweet and terrifying, but the Lord is good. And I know He will show up in all of my adventures near or far away from the sweet streets of Littleton.
Sara
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Don't Wish it Away
This semester has been a semester of many lasts: the last prom, the last lacrosse game, the last set of high school finals, the last group lunch, the last time we walk down the halls of Arapahoe together. The last time a class of 594 or something like that, will be together, ever. That's really scary. After graduation next Thursday, I will never see some of the people I have met in high school, ever again. There's much to be said about what the class of 2016 has experienced together and for a majority of our four years together, we've all had a fun time with one another. But as tomorrow comes and we see that it's our final day as a senior, as an Arapahoe High School student, there is much to be said.
If you asked me how I thought my high school experience would turn out four years ago, I would tell you something completely different than what has happened. These past four years have shocked me, made me grow, allowed me to find strength in brokenness, given me joy, but have shaped me to be someone different than I was when I first walked down the halls. I didn't expect to have a rough freshman year and lose a majority of my friends. I didn't expect to become lonely. I didn't expect to go through a school shooting. I didn't expect to date many boys and then fall head over heels in love. I didn't expect to have my heart brutally broken. I didn't expect to get so emotionally attached to the class of 2014. I didn't expect to love chemistry my junior year. I didn't expect to have my morals questioned. I didn't expect to meet some of the most incredible friends. Most of all, I did not expect to have senior year be one of the hardest (emotionally), but best years of my life. If you asked me what I wanted for my senior year to look like on the first day of school back in August, you would hear me say, "put it on rewind and get me to graduation."
I was told by so many people that senior year surprises you. I was told that senior year is so fun. I was told to not wish my senior year away. I was told that it goes by so fast. Truthfully, everyone who told me that ended up being right. I spent so much of my senior year wishing my circumstances were different, wishing I had never come home from Uganda, wishing I never dated anyone, wishing I had invested more in friends, wishing I knew what I wanted for my future. However, senior year has a funny way of folding out in front of your eyes and you don't realize it, but when you do, you are in the midst of one of the most fun and carefree times in your life and you are enjoying it! Here I am, one week away from throwing my cap into the air, looking into the eyes of many classmates, and beginning to say some final goodbyes. I don't know if I will be able to do that. I am shocked by the outcome of this year. I struggled so much first semester, but for some reason, second semester came with so many blessings and so much growth and healing it's incredible.
I have learned that moments with your high school best friends come only every so often, so you need to cherish them. I have learned that it's more about having relationships with people and creating memories with others than it is about getting the grade. I have learned that it's about living in the moment and not looking behind you or in front of you. I learned that you don't wish away your last moments of childhood and freedom, but instead, you cherish them and the people you're sharing them with.
To the juniors, sophomores, and freshmen: do not take your senior year for granted. It truly does fly by super fast and before you know it, your parents will be sending you off into the world by yourself. Invest in friendships and tell people you love them. Go out and have fun, don't waste all of your year studying for your AP classes or trying to get the A. Grades matter, but they don't define your worth. You will look back on your senior year, remembering how great it was to you.
I know that I wished away my senior year, and I wish that I hadn't. But I have learned in the final days, that I can still appreciate senior year for what it is. I have many goodbyes to say that I don't want to do, but it's ending what was once a great chapter in my life and allowing me to move onto bigger and better things. The idea of college is scary, especially in a state far away from home, where I literally know no one. But because of that choice, I know that the Lord will grow me, surprise me, and shock me just like He did this year. For that, I am forever grateful. The most growth happens when we are uncomfortable.
Goodbye senior year, you were one for the books and I wish that I had not wished you away, but I do not wish I could relive you. Thank you to everyone who gave me memories I will hold in my heart forever.
Sara
If you asked me how I thought my high school experience would turn out four years ago, I would tell you something completely different than what has happened. These past four years have shocked me, made me grow, allowed me to find strength in brokenness, given me joy, but have shaped me to be someone different than I was when I first walked down the halls. I didn't expect to have a rough freshman year and lose a majority of my friends. I didn't expect to become lonely. I didn't expect to go through a school shooting. I didn't expect to date many boys and then fall head over heels in love. I didn't expect to have my heart brutally broken. I didn't expect to get so emotionally attached to the class of 2014. I didn't expect to love chemistry my junior year. I didn't expect to have my morals questioned. I didn't expect to meet some of the most incredible friends. Most of all, I did not expect to have senior year be one of the hardest (emotionally), but best years of my life. If you asked me what I wanted for my senior year to look like on the first day of school back in August, you would hear me say, "put it on rewind and get me to graduation."
I was told by so many people that senior year surprises you. I was told that senior year is so fun. I was told to not wish my senior year away. I was told that it goes by so fast. Truthfully, everyone who told me that ended up being right. I spent so much of my senior year wishing my circumstances were different, wishing I had never come home from Uganda, wishing I never dated anyone, wishing I had invested more in friends, wishing I knew what I wanted for my future. However, senior year has a funny way of folding out in front of your eyes and you don't realize it, but when you do, you are in the midst of one of the most fun and carefree times in your life and you are enjoying it! Here I am, one week away from throwing my cap into the air, looking into the eyes of many classmates, and beginning to say some final goodbyes. I don't know if I will be able to do that. I am shocked by the outcome of this year. I struggled so much first semester, but for some reason, second semester came with so many blessings and so much growth and healing it's incredible.
I have learned that moments with your high school best friends come only every so often, so you need to cherish them. I have learned that it's more about having relationships with people and creating memories with others than it is about getting the grade. I have learned that it's about living in the moment and not looking behind you or in front of you. I learned that you don't wish away your last moments of childhood and freedom, but instead, you cherish them and the people you're sharing them with.
To the juniors, sophomores, and freshmen: do not take your senior year for granted. It truly does fly by super fast and before you know it, your parents will be sending you off into the world by yourself. Invest in friendships and tell people you love them. Go out and have fun, don't waste all of your year studying for your AP classes or trying to get the A. Grades matter, but they don't define your worth. You will look back on your senior year, remembering how great it was to you.
I know that I wished away my senior year, and I wish that I hadn't. But I have learned in the final days, that I can still appreciate senior year for what it is. I have many goodbyes to say that I don't want to do, but it's ending what was once a great chapter in my life and allowing me to move onto bigger and better things. The idea of college is scary, especially in a state far away from home, where I literally know no one. But because of that choice, I know that the Lord will grow me, surprise me, and shock me just like He did this year. For that, I am forever grateful. The most growth happens when we are uncomfortable.
Goodbye senior year, you were one for the books and I wish that I had not wished you away, but I do not wish I could relive you. Thank you to everyone who gave me memories I will hold in my heart forever.
Sara
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Saving Grace in Disguise
July 21, 2015, I stepped off the plane back onto Colorado soil for the first time in three weeks. I was devastated. Truthfully, I had just had the most life-giving three weeks of my life and I came home to a world of hurt and an unsure senior year. I didn't understand why God was placing me back in Colorado for one more year. Fast forward to August 14, 2015: the first day of my senior year. This year has been a year of uncharted territory and I had no idea what to expect. First hour, I walked into my peer internship class, where I signed up to go to a class with a student who has a disability. By the grace of God, I was partnered up with Spencer Townshend.
Spencer is joy. Spencer is a -sneak-peek of sunshine on a cloudy day. Spencer is that smile to cheer you up when the tears are streaming down your cheek. Spencer is unconditional love; he doesn't care who you are or what you look like, he wants to know who you are (literally he will ask "who are you?") and he wants to be your friend. Spencer is strong, he loves to show you his muscles and kiss them when you ask him to. Spencer is smart. Spencer is silly: he will sing for you even when it's not the most appropriate times, but it will make you giggle like no other. Spencer is kind: he is always asking why someone is sad or upset or grumpy. Spencer is hope. Spencer is life-changing, world rocking, 180 degree flipping. Spencer is my senior year saving grace.
There have been countless times when I didn't understand why I was coming home from Uganda. I didn't understand why God was taking me away from my place of joy. Last year, I was so wrapped up in my relationship and I didn't have much an identity without my boyfriend. So this year, it was terrifying for me to not really know what I was walking into, much less, who I really was. There have been days where I feel confused and alone and unsure of who I am and my heart has ached because of this. But because God is a good, good Papa, and He holds true to His promises, God blessed me with my favorite friendship this year: Mr. Spencer Townshend. On the days when I wake up and don't feel like school is worth it, Spencer's bright smile and "happy&strong, feel too good&better attitude" has kept me going and made the day so much better. Or on the days when I would come home from school feeling defeated, like I wasn't good enough, his mom, Mitzi Townshend, would send me videos of Spencer telling me he loves me and hoping that my day was good. What a gift. When the world seemed so cold and painful, Spencer was the warmth and some of the glue to put back the broken pieces. Spencer has single handedly made my senior year a thousand times better than I ever expected it to be. He has become my absolute favorite human and senior boy. Spencer is my best friend and my guy. I love him. He brings me joy and he's sparked a passion inside of me for children with disabilities. Spencer has helped me figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life, which is to help others. Every. Single. Day.
This week, I got accepted into my "reach" school, also my first choice: Appalachian State University in Boone, North Carolina. I hope to attend there next fall if that is what the Lord wants for me. There, I hope to double major in communications and global studies, and minor in special education. The first two majors were decided when I came home from Uganda and it's what I have a passion for. But throughout this year, spending a majority of my time in S-6 has really allowed my heart to have a passion for children with special needs as well. Spencer gets a lot of credit for sparking that passion in my heart. He's the biggest inspiration to me.
So, as I continue to end my senior year with good days and bad days, I wanted to take some time to reflect and tell you guys about my blessing in disguise this year, Spencer. I hope one day all of your lives' are as touched as mine has been by Spencer. Now I understand why I had to come home from Uganda. I understand why God brought me back to Colorado for my senior year. My life has been dramatically transformed and Spencer is a huge reason as to why I know a little bit more about who I am becoming and my identity.
Here's to you, Spencer, my guy, thank you for making all my days bright. You are a glimpse of the joy in the heavens above. You are a sliver of hope from Jesus. You are incredible. I am so thankful for the opportunity to know you. You have helped me figure out who I want to be and where I want to go. I am so thankful for coming home from Uganda this past summer so that I could become so close with you. But I am even more thankful to go back to Uganda this coming summer and know when I come home, you will be here, happy&strong, kissing your muscles.
You inspire me to unconditionally love everyone.
Thanks Jesus, for making me step foot back into Colorado on July 21, 2015. You sure have rocked my world since then.
Sara
Spencer is joy. Spencer is a -sneak-peek of sunshine on a cloudy day. Spencer is that smile to cheer you up when the tears are streaming down your cheek. Spencer is unconditional love; he doesn't care who you are or what you look like, he wants to know who you are (literally he will ask "who are you?") and he wants to be your friend. Spencer is strong, he loves to show you his muscles and kiss them when you ask him to. Spencer is smart. Spencer is silly: he will sing for you even when it's not the most appropriate times, but it will make you giggle like no other. Spencer is kind: he is always asking why someone is sad or upset or grumpy. Spencer is hope. Spencer is life-changing, world rocking, 180 degree flipping. Spencer is my senior year saving grace.
There have been countless times when I didn't understand why I was coming home from Uganda. I didn't understand why God was taking me away from my place of joy. Last year, I was so wrapped up in my relationship and I didn't have much an identity without my boyfriend. So this year, it was terrifying for me to not really know what I was walking into, much less, who I really was. There have been days where I feel confused and alone and unsure of who I am and my heart has ached because of this. But because God is a good, good Papa, and He holds true to His promises, God blessed me with my favorite friendship this year: Mr. Spencer Townshend. On the days when I wake up and don't feel like school is worth it, Spencer's bright smile and "happy&strong, feel too good&better attitude" has kept me going and made the day so much better. Or on the days when I would come home from school feeling defeated, like I wasn't good enough, his mom, Mitzi Townshend, would send me videos of Spencer telling me he loves me and hoping that my day was good. What a gift. When the world seemed so cold and painful, Spencer was the warmth and some of the glue to put back the broken pieces. Spencer has single handedly made my senior year a thousand times better than I ever expected it to be. He has become my absolute favorite human and senior boy. Spencer is my best friend and my guy. I love him. He brings me joy and he's sparked a passion inside of me for children with disabilities. Spencer has helped me figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life, which is to help others. Every. Single. Day.
This week, I got accepted into my "reach" school, also my first choice: Appalachian State University in Boone, North Carolina. I hope to attend there next fall if that is what the Lord wants for me. There, I hope to double major in communications and global studies, and minor in special education. The first two majors were decided when I came home from Uganda and it's what I have a passion for. But throughout this year, spending a majority of my time in S-6 has really allowed my heart to have a passion for children with special needs as well. Spencer gets a lot of credit for sparking that passion in my heart. He's the biggest inspiration to me.
So, as I continue to end my senior year with good days and bad days, I wanted to take some time to reflect and tell you guys about my blessing in disguise this year, Spencer. I hope one day all of your lives' are as touched as mine has been by Spencer. Now I understand why I had to come home from Uganda. I understand why God brought me back to Colorado for my senior year. My life has been dramatically transformed and Spencer is a huge reason as to why I know a little bit more about who I am becoming and my identity.
Here's to you, Spencer, my guy, thank you for making all my days bright. You are a glimpse of the joy in the heavens above. You are a sliver of hope from Jesus. You are incredible. I am so thankful for the opportunity to know you. You have helped me figure out who I want to be and where I want to go. I am so thankful for coming home from Uganda this past summer so that I could become so close with you. But I am even more thankful to go back to Uganda this coming summer and know when I come home, you will be here, happy&strong, kissing your muscles.
You inspire me to unconditionally love everyone.
Thanks Jesus, for making me step foot back into Colorado on July 21, 2015. You sure have rocked my world since then.
Sara
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Off to the Races
It is the 17th day of January 2016. I cannot tell you how surprised I am by this year so far. I was awaiting the new year to allow myself to change, that way it was like I had a fresh, clean slate to start out on. This meant, that I was going to become the person that I had fallen in love with at the end of the summer, but lost. However, a friend of mine, Macy Conant, called me on my 18th birthday after she had read my blog and told me that I was not going to ever be the same girl that I was when I came home from Uganda and RMR this past summer. She told me that I am a much stronger girl now and that even though I want to be that girl again, that girl, is not coming back. In a way, I loved the idea that I was much stronger than I was back in August, but I really did want that girl to come back at the same time.
With 17 days into the new year, I have done a lot of self-reflecting and realized a lot about myself. First semester, I was really set on this idea that I needed a boyfriend to be happy, or that I needed to look good for school everyday to be happy, or that I needed to be "popular" to be happy. Ultimately, I figured out that all of these things led me to a sense of false happiness, and I have realized that all of that really drained me to put a fake smile for everyone. However, I have learned that when you stop looking for joy, is when it starts to come. I wasn't okay with being sad. I wasn't okay with not being okay. I wasn't okay with crying. So I shoved my feelings aside and ignored what God was telling me to feel. All of this then led to me becoming extremely self-centered, with low self-confidence, and ultimately I began to hate myself. There would be days when I didn't think I was worth it, I didn't think I was wanted, and I didn't feel loved. But the only way that we can truly know that we are loved, is when we start to love ourselves. A lot of why I couldn't love myself was because I was so self-centered and I couldn't forgive myself. Eventually I did forgive myself, for everything wrong I did in 2015 and I was determined to make 2016 a better year for me than this past year was.
To my surprise, I have allowed myself to go out of my comfort zone this year and take risks and chances all for myself- something I was not willing to do first semester. No longer am I wanting a boyfriend, or to look good everyday, or to even be "popular". I am so content with life and where it is taking me, even though a lot of what this year holds is uncertain. But because I am taking risks and finally being the person that God has called me to be again, and listening to what He's telling me, I am much happier. I know for a fact that I was made to serve, because when I serve others, that is when I am at my happiest- that is when I feel like my life really matters. This year, for my birthday, I decided to use some Christmas money and make lunches for the homeless and hand them out with my mom and friend, Grace Engel, in downtown Denver. The whole day, there was such joy in my heart and I knew that this is the kind of happiness I wanted to feel, not the kind where I was plastering a fake smile on each morning.
Because of this choice to feed the homeless on my birthday, I felt like there was something bigger that would bring me joy on the day to day basis (since I couldn't feed them homeless everyday). Over winter break, I got the sweet opportunity to hang out with the best human being alive: Spencer Townshend. He's a senior and I helped him out in weight training class first semester. During winter break, Spencer and I went to see Star Wars together. I talk to his mom so much about him and his brother Tristan, and I love them all so dearly. Since our outing to Star Wars, I have felt like the Lord has called me to a place where I no longer waste my weekends in bed or hanging out with the crowd that I typically hang out with. I feel called to go out of my way to hang out with Spencer and a lot of the other kids on the Unified basketball team because they look at me and don't judge me. They love me for me and they see beyond the looks and mistakes that we all have. They choose to love me for who I am, not for what I do. So, this semester has allowed me to blossom into someone who would much rather hang out with kids who live in a world that is limited to peer interaction, than go to a party on Saturday night. As I have started spending more and more time with Spencer, I noticed that he is a huge reason for my joy and he is such a light in my life. I can sit here and say that he's one of my best friends and it's because he makes me laugh and smile. I am so happy around him. Spencer is awesome.
But because I am taking so many different chances in my life and going out of my comfort zone, I also felt this huge tug on my heart from the Lord telling me I am supposed to go back to Uganda this summer!!! I. AM. SO. EXCITED. This time, I will be going by myself, and I will be staying for a much longer time. I am nervous about being by myself and away from my support system for so long, I even wanted a friend to come with me, but every time doubt creeps in, my mom reminds me that when I go outside of my comfort zone, God works and grows me. This is exactly what I want, I want to grow and have the Lord work in me. I want Jesus to have all of me. And because I want Jesus to have all of me, I will do whatever it costs to have Him and Him have me. So if you are reading this and want to help me go back to Uganda this summer and have the Lord grow me, check out my GoFundMe account: https://www.gofundme.com/3nx2tfp8!
I no longer feel the need to impress others with my actions or justify my reasoning behind my choices because I understand why I had to lose the Lord in order to be like this again: joyful in the Lord's presence. I no longer hate myself, in fact, I love myself, and I love who I am becoming again. I love where God is taking me. And I am so ready to fall head over heels with Jesus. I am done believing that my worth comes from boys or looks or popularity, because that is a lie that most high school girls fall to. But, I am done believing that, and I am going to believe in the truth again: my worth comes from God and God alone. My joy comes from God and God alone. All that I have to offer is it's best when I have God.
There is so much more that I am anticipating in the year to come, but if it's anything like these past 17 days, I have faith that the Jubilee is coming/ is here.
I am living in joy.
S
With 17 days into the new year, I have done a lot of self-reflecting and realized a lot about myself. First semester, I was really set on this idea that I needed a boyfriend to be happy, or that I needed to look good for school everyday to be happy, or that I needed to be "popular" to be happy. Ultimately, I figured out that all of these things led me to a sense of false happiness, and I have realized that all of that really drained me to put a fake smile for everyone. However, I have learned that when you stop looking for joy, is when it starts to come. I wasn't okay with being sad. I wasn't okay with not being okay. I wasn't okay with crying. So I shoved my feelings aside and ignored what God was telling me to feel. All of this then led to me becoming extremely self-centered, with low self-confidence, and ultimately I began to hate myself. There would be days when I didn't think I was worth it, I didn't think I was wanted, and I didn't feel loved. But the only way that we can truly know that we are loved, is when we start to love ourselves. A lot of why I couldn't love myself was because I was so self-centered and I couldn't forgive myself. Eventually I did forgive myself, for everything wrong I did in 2015 and I was determined to make 2016 a better year for me than this past year was.
To my surprise, I have allowed myself to go out of my comfort zone this year and take risks and chances all for myself- something I was not willing to do first semester. No longer am I wanting a boyfriend, or to look good everyday, or to even be "popular". I am so content with life and where it is taking me, even though a lot of what this year holds is uncertain. But because I am taking risks and finally being the person that God has called me to be again, and listening to what He's telling me, I am much happier. I know for a fact that I was made to serve, because when I serve others, that is when I am at my happiest- that is when I feel like my life really matters. This year, for my birthday, I decided to use some Christmas money and make lunches for the homeless and hand them out with my mom and friend, Grace Engel, in downtown Denver. The whole day, there was such joy in my heart and I knew that this is the kind of happiness I wanted to feel, not the kind where I was plastering a fake smile on each morning.
Because of this choice to feed the homeless on my birthday, I felt like there was something bigger that would bring me joy on the day to day basis (since I couldn't feed them homeless everyday). Over winter break, I got the sweet opportunity to hang out with the best human being alive: Spencer Townshend. He's a senior and I helped him out in weight training class first semester. During winter break, Spencer and I went to see Star Wars together. I talk to his mom so much about him and his brother Tristan, and I love them all so dearly. Since our outing to Star Wars, I have felt like the Lord has called me to a place where I no longer waste my weekends in bed or hanging out with the crowd that I typically hang out with. I feel called to go out of my way to hang out with Spencer and a lot of the other kids on the Unified basketball team because they look at me and don't judge me. They love me for me and they see beyond the looks and mistakes that we all have. They choose to love me for who I am, not for what I do. So, this semester has allowed me to blossom into someone who would much rather hang out with kids who live in a world that is limited to peer interaction, than go to a party on Saturday night. As I have started spending more and more time with Spencer, I noticed that he is a huge reason for my joy and he is such a light in my life. I can sit here and say that he's one of my best friends and it's because he makes me laugh and smile. I am so happy around him. Spencer is awesome.
But because I am taking so many different chances in my life and going out of my comfort zone, I also felt this huge tug on my heart from the Lord telling me I am supposed to go back to Uganda this summer!!! I. AM. SO. EXCITED. This time, I will be going by myself, and I will be staying for a much longer time. I am nervous about being by myself and away from my support system for so long, I even wanted a friend to come with me, but every time doubt creeps in, my mom reminds me that when I go outside of my comfort zone, God works and grows me. This is exactly what I want, I want to grow and have the Lord work in me. I want Jesus to have all of me. And because I want Jesus to have all of me, I will do whatever it costs to have Him and Him have me. So if you are reading this and want to help me go back to Uganda this summer and have the Lord grow me, check out my GoFundMe account: https://www.gofundme.com/3nx2tfp8!
I no longer feel the need to impress others with my actions or justify my reasoning behind my choices because I understand why I had to lose the Lord in order to be like this again: joyful in the Lord's presence. I no longer hate myself, in fact, I love myself, and I love who I am becoming again. I love where God is taking me. And I am so ready to fall head over heels with Jesus. I am done believing that my worth comes from boys or looks or popularity, because that is a lie that most high school girls fall to. But, I am done believing that, and I am going to believe in the truth again: my worth comes from God and God alone. My joy comes from God and God alone. All that I have to offer is it's best when I have God.
There is so much more that I am anticipating in the year to come, but if it's anything like these past 17 days, I have faith that the Jubilee is coming/ is here.
I am living in joy.
S
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Rearview Mirror
"You'll just keep crashing if you never take your eyes off the rearview mirror."
-Leo Christopher
I thought that it would be fitting if I took sometime and reviewed my year. I went through old journals and I cried and laughed and smiled at the good, bad, and the ugly this year has brought me. It would be a lie if I claimed that this year was all bad, even though a majority of it has been. However, there have been these "aha" moments where I see the good in all the bad.
This year started off with me questioning so many things: my relationship, Wyldlife, friendships, family members... But I had no doubt in my mind about who God is. Somehow, I am ending the year still questioning friendships and family members, but I'm even questioning who God is. Or at least I was until this morning. My mom told me this morning that 2016 is a year of Jubilee, scripture says that this is a year where it will happen. Jubilee means that the Lord is going to bless us doubly in every aspect of life, and for me that means He's going to bless me doubly in joy- which is a really big thing for me right now. I spent most of first semester trying to get people to notice me and to please others. I wanted to be the girl that everyone liked- but I've really ended up being the girl that everyone finds to be fake and annoying. That was not my intention at the beginning of the year. At the beginning of senior year, I had this burning desire inside of me to leave Centennial because all I wanted was Jesus. I wanted everyone to know Jesus and I wanted everyone that I knew to know that I loved Jesus. I wanted everyone to know that I had just spent a month exploring Uganda and exploring Wyoming woods and exploring myself and in the midst of all of that, I explored the heart of Jesus. Somewhere along the way, I took a wrong turn to following Jesus and became self-centered, self-righteous, and very, very insecure. On the outside I felt like people saw that I was okay, that I had my life put together and that there was nothing bad going on inside of me. But on the inside, I was rotting. I was so stuck on looking in the rearview mirror at my past, that I simply could not look ahead of me. So I kept on crashing, which only made me want to hide my hurts even more. The rotting inside of me became very bad and I had felt like giving up. I felt like everything that happened this summer was for no reason. I hated that I had been romanced by Jesus the whole summer and then this year I completely ditched Him. Looking back on this year in review, has made me understand why some things had to happen and why I was the way that I was.
I became self-centered and self-righteous because I thought that it was much easier to receive attention from boys that way. I thought that if I put more effort into what I looked like and how I acted, boys would like me better. I compromised some of what I believe in for stupid boys to look at me and want me and want to be with me. I now realize, boys don't like that really- or they do, they just don't like it on me. And that's okay, because becoming someone who needed a boy's attention to feel okay at the end of the day is not what God desired when He gave woman as a gift to man and vice versa. I've learned that before another boy or anyone else ever can love me, I have to love myself as I am; mistakes and all. I have to love myself the way God loves me before I am confident enough that I no longer compromise what I believe in. Truth that I have heard a lot recently is: I don't need man's approval. I need God's approval. I don't need man's love. I need God's love. Being independent is a powerful thing. And being single, is common, but it doesn't mean I'm loved any less. So yeah, call me crazy, but I'm no longer going to throw myself at boys or change for boys or compromise what I believe in just so that I can be admired for one night. I'm going to hold out for someone who admires me for my heart and my dreams and supports me in all that I want for my life. I'm going to hold out for someone who I can talk about Jesus with for hours on end. I'm going to hold out for someone who sees past all my flaws and crazy moments and stupid fights and choses to love me still. I'm going to hold out for someone who wants all of me and not just some of me. I'm going to hold out for the man who loves Jesus more than he will ever be able to love me. And you know what? It all seems worth it.
Because I was throwing myself at every boy I saw, and then being rejected time and time again, it made me think that I wasn't good enough- that I was never going to be loved again because of my past mistakes. I kept telling myself that there was something wrong with me; I wasn't pretty enough, I was too weird, I wasn't smart enough, I was too prude, I loved Jesus. I came up with all these self-made lies to comfort myself as I was being rejected. Ultimately, all of those lies that I have begun to believe, have sent me into a depression where I feel like I'm good enough for no one. Which is such a lie. I became insecure and I didn't think that I would ever be able to love myself as much I did when I came home from RMR this summer. But in the midst of all these lies, some of my really good guy friends have called me out on my crap and told me that I need to start loving myself more.
I may be ending 2015 without a kiss at midnight, or even having the best plans, but I do believe that it's all a setup for me to have the best 2016 ever. And I will be blessed doubly with joy by God. Friends, REJOICE and look forward. Don't look back and keep crashing. Look forward and enjoy the now moments, because in a few short months, we will all be off on our own adventures, experiencing life outside of high school walls. Make New Years' resolutions and actually DO them!
I remember a year ago on this evening, I sat at Sam's dinner table with the rest of his family and we went around asking each other what our New Year's resolution is. Sam told everyone that mine was Africa, and he was so right, even though I hate to admit that. Africa was everything I had hoped and dreamed for and I finally went to the place where my heart longed for. Africa was the best thing that ever happened to me in 2015, even though I came home with a lot of let downs. But it taught me so much about who I am. Thinking about it now, I am so excited to go back again this summer, God willing of course. But man oh man, I am excited for what God has in store for me this coming year. I won't be sitting at the Cofield's table this evening eating dinner with them saying my New Year's resolution, but I will be eating dinner with my friends telling them my resolutions and my hopes for this year, and I am so excited.
I am so excited to become the Sara that I was when I first came home from RMR this summer, if not even better. I am so excited to be a more positive, loving, encouraging, understanding person. I am so excited to fall in love with Jesus and have no regrets of doing His will. So here's to not looking at my rearview mirror anymore, and looking straight ahead at what 2016 will bring me!
Patiently awaiting the year of Jubilee
Sara
-Leo Christopher
I thought that it would be fitting if I took sometime and reviewed my year. I went through old journals and I cried and laughed and smiled at the good, bad, and the ugly this year has brought me. It would be a lie if I claimed that this year was all bad, even though a majority of it has been. However, there have been these "aha" moments where I see the good in all the bad.
This year started off with me questioning so many things: my relationship, Wyldlife, friendships, family members... But I had no doubt in my mind about who God is. Somehow, I am ending the year still questioning friendships and family members, but I'm even questioning who God is. Or at least I was until this morning. My mom told me this morning that 2016 is a year of Jubilee, scripture says that this is a year where it will happen. Jubilee means that the Lord is going to bless us doubly in every aspect of life, and for me that means He's going to bless me doubly in joy- which is a really big thing for me right now. I spent most of first semester trying to get people to notice me and to please others. I wanted to be the girl that everyone liked- but I've really ended up being the girl that everyone finds to be fake and annoying. That was not my intention at the beginning of the year. At the beginning of senior year, I had this burning desire inside of me to leave Centennial because all I wanted was Jesus. I wanted everyone to know Jesus and I wanted everyone that I knew to know that I loved Jesus. I wanted everyone to know that I had just spent a month exploring Uganda and exploring Wyoming woods and exploring myself and in the midst of all of that, I explored the heart of Jesus. Somewhere along the way, I took a wrong turn to following Jesus and became self-centered, self-righteous, and very, very insecure. On the outside I felt like people saw that I was okay, that I had my life put together and that there was nothing bad going on inside of me. But on the inside, I was rotting. I was so stuck on looking in the rearview mirror at my past, that I simply could not look ahead of me. So I kept on crashing, which only made me want to hide my hurts even more. The rotting inside of me became very bad and I had felt like giving up. I felt like everything that happened this summer was for no reason. I hated that I had been romanced by Jesus the whole summer and then this year I completely ditched Him. Looking back on this year in review, has made me understand why some things had to happen and why I was the way that I was.
I became self-centered and self-righteous because I thought that it was much easier to receive attention from boys that way. I thought that if I put more effort into what I looked like and how I acted, boys would like me better. I compromised some of what I believe in for stupid boys to look at me and want me and want to be with me. I now realize, boys don't like that really- or they do, they just don't like it on me. And that's okay, because becoming someone who needed a boy's attention to feel okay at the end of the day is not what God desired when He gave woman as a gift to man and vice versa. I've learned that before another boy or anyone else ever can love me, I have to love myself as I am; mistakes and all. I have to love myself the way God loves me before I am confident enough that I no longer compromise what I believe in. Truth that I have heard a lot recently is: I don't need man's approval. I need God's approval. I don't need man's love. I need God's love. Being independent is a powerful thing. And being single, is common, but it doesn't mean I'm loved any less. So yeah, call me crazy, but I'm no longer going to throw myself at boys or change for boys or compromise what I believe in just so that I can be admired for one night. I'm going to hold out for someone who admires me for my heart and my dreams and supports me in all that I want for my life. I'm going to hold out for someone who I can talk about Jesus with for hours on end. I'm going to hold out for someone who sees past all my flaws and crazy moments and stupid fights and choses to love me still. I'm going to hold out for someone who wants all of me and not just some of me. I'm going to hold out for the man who loves Jesus more than he will ever be able to love me. And you know what? It all seems worth it.
Because I was throwing myself at every boy I saw, and then being rejected time and time again, it made me think that I wasn't good enough- that I was never going to be loved again because of my past mistakes. I kept telling myself that there was something wrong with me; I wasn't pretty enough, I was too weird, I wasn't smart enough, I was too prude, I loved Jesus. I came up with all these self-made lies to comfort myself as I was being rejected. Ultimately, all of those lies that I have begun to believe, have sent me into a depression where I feel like I'm good enough for no one. Which is such a lie. I became insecure and I didn't think that I would ever be able to love myself as much I did when I came home from RMR this summer. But in the midst of all these lies, some of my really good guy friends have called me out on my crap and told me that I need to start loving myself more.
I may be ending 2015 without a kiss at midnight, or even having the best plans, but I do believe that it's all a setup for me to have the best 2016 ever. And I will be blessed doubly with joy by God. Friends, REJOICE and look forward. Don't look back and keep crashing. Look forward and enjoy the now moments, because in a few short months, we will all be off on our own adventures, experiencing life outside of high school walls. Make New Years' resolutions and actually DO them!
I remember a year ago on this evening, I sat at Sam's dinner table with the rest of his family and we went around asking each other what our New Year's resolution is. Sam told everyone that mine was Africa, and he was so right, even though I hate to admit that. Africa was everything I had hoped and dreamed for and I finally went to the place where my heart longed for. Africa was the best thing that ever happened to me in 2015, even though I came home with a lot of let downs. But it taught me so much about who I am. Thinking about it now, I am so excited to go back again this summer, God willing of course. But man oh man, I am excited for what God has in store for me this coming year. I won't be sitting at the Cofield's table this evening eating dinner with them saying my New Year's resolution, but I will be eating dinner with my friends telling them my resolutions and my hopes for this year, and I am so excited.
I am so excited to become the Sara that I was when I first came home from RMR this summer, if not even better. I am so excited to be a more positive, loving, encouraging, understanding person. I am so excited to fall in love with Jesus and have no regrets of doing His will. So here's to not looking at my rearview mirror anymore, and looking straight ahead at what 2016 will bring me!
Patiently awaiting the year of Jubilee
Sara
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Everyday Victories
When I first started this blog, I thought I would be using it mainly during sophomore year, describing all these wonderful moments that I was experiencing with the Lord. However, that was not what the Lord wanted for me. I remember the reason why I started this blog, so that others could see that our Father is real and He is good and He is setting hearts free. When started this blog, I had just experienced true freedom in the Lord. He had redeemed my scared and traumatized heart and had brought me back to safety. I thought that once you experienced freedom in the Lord once, that you would always be free, that this type of freedom in Papa was one grand moment with Him that sky-rocketed your relationship with Him for the rest of your life.
I was wrong. Yes, in February/March of my sophomore year, the Lord did set me free. He allowed me to experience life in a way that I never had before and it was incredible. But as time went on, I became bonded and chained to temptations and lies again, this time they were different. I was believing that I had no worth in this world. I was believing that I was not beautiful, even in God's eyes. As soon as I proclaimed these things over my life, I really began to believe them and take them as truth. But, they are not truth, rather they are lies. This past summer, I began to realize that when you believe something for so long, and someone tells you differently, it really affects that person as well. I was constantly being told that I was beautiful, but I never believed it because I never loved myself. Junior year was spent working out all the time to make sure that I looked skinny, or had the right summer body. There were nights where I thought to myself, "if only this part of myself was smaller, then, maybe, I would be more accepted." This is such a sad reality that our world often gets caught up in: "if I do blank, then, blank will love me more." But that is such crap. It's lies that the enemy has sugar coated with some parts of truth to make us think that we really do need to change things. Here's the cold hard truth that I have learned: no body type is ever going to be the same as my best friend's or even my mom's. I was fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God and He wants me to love me for who I am and who He says I am. No matter how many times I tried to wish away a certain part of my body, or wish that it was smaller, I realized that it was still going to be there the next day, so I better get comfortable with it because it's not going away anytime soon. This summer, my self hate and lack of self-confidence hit an all time low, which ultimately drove people away from me. Being negative was not who I had become. But, while I was away for a month, away from social media shoving skinny models down my throat, I realized that I am beautiful. I realized that I had to love myself before I could ever love someone else. Which was a hard truth for me to realize because all I wanted to do was throw love at everyone I came into contact with. When I had begun to really believe that I was beautiful, it was such a game changer. It made me want to be a better person and I felt as if this weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Freedom reigned over my heart.
But it's not even the moments where I sit in my room and cry because God has done this amazing miracle of redeeming my heart. It's moments in everyday life where we begin to truly and simply bask in the glory and goodness of the Lord that we find freedom and joy in most everything. This year, I have learned that God is constantly setting me free. He is constantly defeating lies the enemy has told me. He is allowing me to say no to temptation and really live out what He's calling me to. I think there is this huge emphasis that freedom can only happen once in our life, and then for the rest of our life we are supposed to remember that freedom. But I believe different. I believe that God allows us to experience new, big freedoms with Him, that fill us up, and allow us to go into everyday life remembering and clinging to that freedom He's given us. Freedom is a daily thing, it's taking up our own crosses and meeting our best friend at His feet and asking for His grace and joy and mercy. Freedom is choosing to believe in the truth that our hearts know versus believing in the lies that society is telling us to be.
While I was in Uganda, I learned that there was something so freeing about giving up control. I had little to no control over what I was going to do the next day, and how I was going to get there. I remember sitting in a taxi jam-packed with 15-20 people in it (something that is very illegal in Uganda), and knowing the taxi driver was going to speed up really fast, break really hard, go over the speed bump, pull over to the side, unload and load people, and then get back on the road as fast as possible. Sometimes, they would be so reckless with their driving, that they wouldn't really swerve when a Boda-Boda (motorcycle) was two inches away from the car. It seemed insane that Kampala could be so busy and so reckless with their driving, but have it work for them. Each time I got into the car full of people, I knew that I had to just trust that God was going to get me from point A to point B safely because of how crazy and chaotic the roads were. There were no driving laws really and you could literally pass a car you were behind while going straight into head on traffic. It's so dangerous, but became something very soothing for me near the end of my time there. While this was such a small thing for me to give up control over, it was freeing to know that whatever happened, the Lord was protecting my safety. Ultimately, this giving up of control in my life in a taxi, led to me giving up a lot of control over other things as well. Before, I left for Uganda, I was very confused as to what was going to happen when I came home, or even before I left. Life was one big puzzle, and I had no pieces. So, as I hopped on my plane to Uganda and home from Uganda, I simply asked the Lord to do His will in my life, knowing that my heart was willing to do whatever God called me to do- no matter how much it hurt. But in the midst of constantly telling the Lord to do His will in my life, I forgot that God gives us choices. Because if we didn't get choice, it would never really be a relationship with God since He died for us to have free will. God wants us to freely and joyfully choose relationship with Him, He never wants anyone to feel like God is being forced on them.
I think somewhere along the way this year, I forgot to ask the Lord to do His will in my life, and just decided to choose. This isn't a bad thing, but there would be some days where I knew that my choices weren't going to lead me back to God's will for my life. A few weeks ago, I had coffee with one of the most amazing people ever. Her name is Chelsea and she spoke mad truth into my heart. It's no lie that I have been on the fence about taking a gap year and going to college next year. I knew that when the time came, I would have peace about what I was supposed to do. Chelsea allowed me to process both of my options with new insight, and made me realize that there is two types of freedom, and that I need to choose whichever place offered me more freedom in the Lord. So, I took a look at my two options: CSU and Uganda. If I go to CSU, I will basically know my friend group up there because of Younglife and my community would be super awesome and it would be so good for me to be there. That sounds like every Younglifer's dream- being comfortable. But it's not mine. If I take a gap year and go to Uganda, I would be going against cultural norms and I would really be uncomfortable. Key word: uncomfortable. For so long, I have been put in this box by my classmates and teachers and parents and friends where "I love Jesus and I love Younglife and I hang out with middle schoolers, and I do the right thing and my instagram is filled with bible verses and I am very loud". That's who I have been defined as, and I feel like that's who everyone knows me at CSU as. I'm tired of living in that box, I am tired of being so comfortable that I'm just "okay". I'm tired of being around the same people that I've known my whole life or for four years. I'm tired of being the person everyone expects me to be. I'm tired of being predictable. People know who I am, when I can't even seem to piece together a sentence to explain who I am. I am lost, and I am searching for answers. I am searching to be lost and to be uncomfortable. I am searching to do the Lord's will, even if it means making hard choices. I am searching to be completely free in the Lord, and I feel like Uganda is where I can go and be free in His love and find myself in the midst of breaking out of my box and being uncomfortable. Chelsea reminded me that whatever path I choose, God will correct me if I'm wrong and lead me back to the path of the ultimate goal He has in mind for me.
Right now, in this moment, I feel a huge tug on my heart to go to Uganda and be there and be uncomfortable with myself, but become comfortable in God's glory. Regardless of what happens, I know that the Lord will give me discernment on what He's truly calling me to. I've just got to stop trying to control my life and be my own God. I've got to sit down in the taxi and know that God is going to get me from point A to point B safely, no matter how long it takes, and no matter how many pit stops it takes, I'll get there one day. And I find something so freeing in giving up control of the little things, but also the big things.
Freedom is not found once, it's found in everyday victories and in moments where we peak a mountain. Freedom cannot be tamed. Freedom is calling.
Sar
I was wrong. Yes, in February/March of my sophomore year, the Lord did set me free. He allowed me to experience life in a way that I never had before and it was incredible. But as time went on, I became bonded and chained to temptations and lies again, this time they were different. I was believing that I had no worth in this world. I was believing that I was not beautiful, even in God's eyes. As soon as I proclaimed these things over my life, I really began to believe them and take them as truth. But, they are not truth, rather they are lies. This past summer, I began to realize that when you believe something for so long, and someone tells you differently, it really affects that person as well. I was constantly being told that I was beautiful, but I never believed it because I never loved myself. Junior year was spent working out all the time to make sure that I looked skinny, or had the right summer body. There were nights where I thought to myself, "if only this part of myself was smaller, then, maybe, I would be more accepted." This is such a sad reality that our world often gets caught up in: "if I do blank, then, blank will love me more." But that is such crap. It's lies that the enemy has sugar coated with some parts of truth to make us think that we really do need to change things. Here's the cold hard truth that I have learned: no body type is ever going to be the same as my best friend's or even my mom's. I was fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God and He wants me to love me for who I am and who He says I am. No matter how many times I tried to wish away a certain part of my body, or wish that it was smaller, I realized that it was still going to be there the next day, so I better get comfortable with it because it's not going away anytime soon. This summer, my self hate and lack of self-confidence hit an all time low, which ultimately drove people away from me. Being negative was not who I had become. But, while I was away for a month, away from social media shoving skinny models down my throat, I realized that I am beautiful. I realized that I had to love myself before I could ever love someone else. Which was a hard truth for me to realize because all I wanted to do was throw love at everyone I came into contact with. When I had begun to really believe that I was beautiful, it was such a game changer. It made me want to be a better person and I felt as if this weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Freedom reigned over my heart.
But it's not even the moments where I sit in my room and cry because God has done this amazing miracle of redeeming my heart. It's moments in everyday life where we begin to truly and simply bask in the glory and goodness of the Lord that we find freedom and joy in most everything. This year, I have learned that God is constantly setting me free. He is constantly defeating lies the enemy has told me. He is allowing me to say no to temptation and really live out what He's calling me to. I think there is this huge emphasis that freedom can only happen once in our life, and then for the rest of our life we are supposed to remember that freedom. But I believe different. I believe that God allows us to experience new, big freedoms with Him, that fill us up, and allow us to go into everyday life remembering and clinging to that freedom He's given us. Freedom is a daily thing, it's taking up our own crosses and meeting our best friend at His feet and asking for His grace and joy and mercy. Freedom is choosing to believe in the truth that our hearts know versus believing in the lies that society is telling us to be.
While I was in Uganda, I learned that there was something so freeing about giving up control. I had little to no control over what I was going to do the next day, and how I was going to get there. I remember sitting in a taxi jam-packed with 15-20 people in it (something that is very illegal in Uganda), and knowing the taxi driver was going to speed up really fast, break really hard, go over the speed bump, pull over to the side, unload and load people, and then get back on the road as fast as possible. Sometimes, they would be so reckless with their driving, that they wouldn't really swerve when a Boda-Boda (motorcycle) was two inches away from the car. It seemed insane that Kampala could be so busy and so reckless with their driving, but have it work for them. Each time I got into the car full of people, I knew that I had to just trust that God was going to get me from point A to point B safely because of how crazy and chaotic the roads were. There were no driving laws really and you could literally pass a car you were behind while going straight into head on traffic. It's so dangerous, but became something very soothing for me near the end of my time there. While this was such a small thing for me to give up control over, it was freeing to know that whatever happened, the Lord was protecting my safety. Ultimately, this giving up of control in my life in a taxi, led to me giving up a lot of control over other things as well. Before, I left for Uganda, I was very confused as to what was going to happen when I came home, or even before I left. Life was one big puzzle, and I had no pieces. So, as I hopped on my plane to Uganda and home from Uganda, I simply asked the Lord to do His will in my life, knowing that my heart was willing to do whatever God called me to do- no matter how much it hurt. But in the midst of constantly telling the Lord to do His will in my life, I forgot that God gives us choices. Because if we didn't get choice, it would never really be a relationship with God since He died for us to have free will. God wants us to freely and joyfully choose relationship with Him, He never wants anyone to feel like God is being forced on them.
I think somewhere along the way this year, I forgot to ask the Lord to do His will in my life, and just decided to choose. This isn't a bad thing, but there would be some days where I knew that my choices weren't going to lead me back to God's will for my life. A few weeks ago, I had coffee with one of the most amazing people ever. Her name is Chelsea and she spoke mad truth into my heart. It's no lie that I have been on the fence about taking a gap year and going to college next year. I knew that when the time came, I would have peace about what I was supposed to do. Chelsea allowed me to process both of my options with new insight, and made me realize that there is two types of freedom, and that I need to choose whichever place offered me more freedom in the Lord. So, I took a look at my two options: CSU and Uganda. If I go to CSU, I will basically know my friend group up there because of Younglife and my community would be super awesome and it would be so good for me to be there. That sounds like every Younglifer's dream- being comfortable. But it's not mine. If I take a gap year and go to Uganda, I would be going against cultural norms and I would really be uncomfortable. Key word: uncomfortable. For so long, I have been put in this box by my classmates and teachers and parents and friends where "I love Jesus and I love Younglife and I hang out with middle schoolers, and I do the right thing and my instagram is filled with bible verses and I am very loud". That's who I have been defined as, and I feel like that's who everyone knows me at CSU as. I'm tired of living in that box, I am tired of being so comfortable that I'm just "okay". I'm tired of being around the same people that I've known my whole life or for four years. I'm tired of being the person everyone expects me to be. I'm tired of being predictable. People know who I am, when I can't even seem to piece together a sentence to explain who I am. I am lost, and I am searching for answers. I am searching to be lost and to be uncomfortable. I am searching to do the Lord's will, even if it means making hard choices. I am searching to be completely free in the Lord, and I feel like Uganda is where I can go and be free in His love and find myself in the midst of breaking out of my box and being uncomfortable. Chelsea reminded me that whatever path I choose, God will correct me if I'm wrong and lead me back to the path of the ultimate goal He has in mind for me.
Right now, in this moment, I feel a huge tug on my heart to go to Uganda and be there and be uncomfortable with myself, but become comfortable in God's glory. Regardless of what happens, I know that the Lord will give me discernment on what He's truly calling me to. I've just got to stop trying to control my life and be my own God. I've got to sit down in the taxi and know that God is going to get me from point A to point B safely, no matter how long it takes, and no matter how many pit stops it takes, I'll get there one day. And I find something so freeing in giving up control of the little things, but also the big things.
Freedom is not found once, it's found in everyday victories and in moments where we peak a mountain. Freedom cannot be tamed. Freedom is calling.
Sar
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