"You'll just keep crashing if you never take your eyes off the rearview mirror."
-Leo Christopher
I thought that it would be fitting if I took sometime and reviewed my year. I went through old journals and I cried and laughed and smiled at the good, bad, and the ugly this year has brought me. It would be a lie if I claimed that this year was all bad, even though a majority of it has been. However, there have been these "aha" moments where I see the good in all the bad.
This year started off with me questioning so many things: my relationship, Wyldlife, friendships, family members... But I had no doubt in my mind about who God is. Somehow, I am ending the year still questioning friendships and family members, but I'm even questioning who God is. Or at least I was until this morning. My mom told me this morning that 2016 is a year of Jubilee, scripture says that this is a year where it will happen. Jubilee means that the Lord is going to bless us doubly in every aspect of life, and for me that means He's going to bless me doubly in joy- which is a really big thing for me right now. I spent most of first semester trying to get people to notice me and to please others. I wanted to be the girl that everyone liked- but I've really ended up being the girl that everyone finds to be fake and annoying. That was not my intention at the beginning of the year. At the beginning of senior year, I had this burning desire inside of me to leave Centennial because all I wanted was Jesus. I wanted everyone to know Jesus and I wanted everyone that I knew to know that I loved Jesus. I wanted everyone to know that I had just spent a month exploring Uganda and exploring Wyoming woods and exploring myself and in the midst of all of that, I explored the heart of Jesus. Somewhere along the way, I took a wrong turn to following Jesus and became self-centered, self-righteous, and very, very insecure. On the outside I felt like people saw that I was okay, that I had my life put together and that there was nothing bad going on inside of me. But on the inside, I was rotting. I was so stuck on looking in the rearview mirror at my past, that I simply could not look ahead of me. So I kept on crashing, which only made me want to hide my hurts even more. The rotting inside of me became very bad and I had felt like giving up. I felt like everything that happened this summer was for no reason. I hated that I had been romanced by Jesus the whole summer and then this year I completely ditched Him. Looking back on this year in review, has made me understand why some things had to happen and why I was the way that I was.
I became self-centered and self-righteous because I thought that it was much easier to receive attention from boys that way. I thought that if I put more effort into what I looked like and how I acted, boys would like me better. I compromised some of what I believe in for stupid boys to look at me and want me and want to be with me. I now realize, boys don't like that really- or they do, they just don't like it on me. And that's okay, because becoming someone who needed a boy's attention to feel okay at the end of the day is not what God desired when He gave woman as a gift to man and vice versa. I've learned that before another boy or anyone else ever can love me, I have to love myself as I am; mistakes and all. I have to love myself the way God loves me before I am confident enough that I no longer compromise what I believe in. Truth that I have heard a lot recently is: I don't need man's approval. I need God's approval. I don't need man's love. I need God's love. Being independent is a powerful thing. And being single, is common, but it doesn't mean I'm loved any less. So yeah, call me crazy, but I'm no longer going to throw myself at boys or change for boys or compromise what I believe in just so that I can be admired for one night. I'm going to hold out for someone who admires me for my heart and my dreams and supports me in all that I want for my life. I'm going to hold out for someone who I can talk about Jesus with for hours on end. I'm going to hold out for someone who sees past all my flaws and crazy moments and stupid fights and choses to love me still. I'm going to hold out for someone who wants all of me and not just some of me. I'm going to hold out for the man who loves Jesus more than he will ever be able to love me. And you know what? It all seems worth it.
Because I was throwing myself at every boy I saw, and then being rejected time and time again, it made me think that I wasn't good enough- that I was never going to be loved again because of my past mistakes. I kept telling myself that there was something wrong with me; I wasn't pretty enough, I was too weird, I wasn't smart enough, I was too prude, I loved Jesus. I came up with all these self-made lies to comfort myself as I was being rejected. Ultimately, all of those lies that I have begun to believe, have sent me into a depression where I feel like I'm good enough for no one. Which is such a lie. I became insecure and I didn't think that I would ever be able to love myself as much I did when I came home from RMR this summer. But in the midst of all these lies, some of my really good guy friends have called me out on my crap and told me that I need to start loving myself more.
I may be ending 2015 without a kiss at midnight, or even having the best plans, but I do believe that it's all a setup for me to have the best 2016 ever. And I will be blessed doubly with joy by God. Friends, REJOICE and look forward. Don't look back and keep crashing. Look forward and enjoy the now moments, because in a few short months, we will all be off on our own adventures, experiencing life outside of high school walls. Make New Years' resolutions and actually DO them!
I remember a year ago on this evening, I sat at Sam's dinner table with the rest of his family and we went around asking each other what our New Year's resolution is. Sam told everyone that mine was Africa, and he was so right, even though I hate to admit that. Africa was everything I had hoped and dreamed for and I finally went to the place where my heart longed for. Africa was the best thing that ever happened to me in 2015, even though I came home with a lot of let downs. But it taught me so much about who I am. Thinking about it now, I am so excited to go back again this summer, God willing of course. But man oh man, I am excited for what God has in store for me this coming year. I won't be sitting at the Cofield's table this evening eating dinner with them saying my New Year's resolution, but I will be eating dinner with my friends telling them my resolutions and my hopes for this year, and I am so excited.
I am so excited to become the Sara that I was when I first came home from RMR this summer, if not even better. I am so excited to be a more positive, loving, encouraging, understanding person. I am so excited to fall in love with Jesus and have no regrets of doing His will. So here's to not looking at my rearview mirror anymore, and looking straight ahead at what 2016 will bring me!
Patiently awaiting the year of Jubilee
Sara
