It is the 17th day of January 2016. I cannot tell you how surprised I am by this year so far. I was awaiting the new year to allow myself to change, that way it was like I had a fresh, clean slate to start out on. This meant, that I was going to become the person that I had fallen in love with at the end of the summer, but lost. However, a friend of mine, Macy Conant, called me on my 18th birthday after she had read my blog and told me that I was not going to ever be the same girl that I was when I came home from Uganda and RMR this past summer. She told me that I am a much stronger girl now and that even though I want to be that girl again, that girl, is not coming back. In a way, I loved the idea that I was much stronger than I was back in August, but I really did want that girl to come back at the same time.
With 17 days into the new year, I have done a lot of self-reflecting and realized a lot about myself. First semester, I was really set on this idea that I needed a boyfriend to be happy, or that I needed to look good for school everyday to be happy, or that I needed to be "popular" to be happy. Ultimately, I figured out that all of these things led me to a sense of false happiness, and I have realized that all of that really drained me to put a fake smile for everyone. However, I have learned that when you stop looking for joy, is when it starts to come. I wasn't okay with being sad. I wasn't okay with not being okay. I wasn't okay with crying. So I shoved my feelings aside and ignored what God was telling me to feel. All of this then led to me becoming extremely self-centered, with low self-confidence, and ultimately I began to hate myself. There would be days when I didn't think I was worth it, I didn't think I was wanted, and I didn't feel loved. But the only way that we can truly know that we are loved, is when we start to love ourselves. A lot of why I couldn't love myself was because I was so self-centered and I couldn't forgive myself. Eventually I did forgive myself, for everything wrong I did in 2015 and I was determined to make 2016 a better year for me than this past year was.
To my surprise, I have allowed myself to go out of my comfort zone this year and take risks and chances all for myself- something I was not willing to do first semester. No longer am I wanting a boyfriend, or to look good everyday, or to even be "popular". I am so content with life and where it is taking me, even though a lot of what this year holds is uncertain. But because I am taking risks and finally being the person that God has called me to be again, and listening to what He's telling me, I am much happier. I know for a fact that I was made to serve, because when I serve others, that is when I am at my happiest- that is when I feel like my life really matters. This year, for my birthday, I decided to use some Christmas money and make lunches for the homeless and hand them out with my mom and friend, Grace Engel, in downtown Denver. The whole day, there was such joy in my heart and I knew that this is the kind of happiness I wanted to feel, not the kind where I was plastering a fake smile on each morning.
Because of this choice to feed the homeless on my birthday, I felt like there was something bigger that would bring me joy on the day to day basis (since I couldn't feed them homeless everyday). Over winter break, I got the sweet opportunity to hang out with the best human being alive: Spencer Townshend. He's a senior and I helped him out in weight training class first semester. During winter break, Spencer and I went to see Star Wars together. I talk to his mom so much about him and his brother Tristan, and I love them all so dearly. Since our outing to Star Wars, I have felt like the Lord has called me to a place where I no longer waste my weekends in bed or hanging out with the crowd that I typically hang out with. I feel called to go out of my way to hang out with Spencer and a lot of the other kids on the Unified basketball team because they look at me and don't judge me. They love me for me and they see beyond the looks and mistakes that we all have. They choose to love me for who I am, not for what I do. So, this semester has allowed me to blossom into someone who would much rather hang out with kids who live in a world that is limited to peer interaction, than go to a party on Saturday night. As I have started spending more and more time with Spencer, I noticed that he is a huge reason for my joy and he is such a light in my life. I can sit here and say that he's one of my best friends and it's because he makes me laugh and smile. I am so happy around him. Spencer is awesome.
But because I am taking so many different chances in my life and going out of my comfort zone, I also felt this huge tug on my heart from the Lord telling me I am supposed to go back to Uganda this summer!!! I. AM. SO. EXCITED. This time, I will be going by myself, and I will be staying for a much longer time. I am nervous about being by myself and away from my support system for so long, I even wanted a friend to come with me, but every time doubt creeps in, my mom reminds me that when I go outside of my comfort zone, God works and grows me. This is exactly what I want, I want to grow and have the Lord work in me. I want Jesus to have all of me. And because I want Jesus to have all of me, I will do whatever it costs to have Him and Him have me. So if you are reading this and want to help me go back to Uganda this summer and have the Lord grow me, check out my GoFundMe account: https://www.gofundme.com/3nx2tfp8!
I no longer feel the need to impress others with my actions or justify my reasoning behind my choices because I understand why I had to lose the Lord in order to be like this again: joyful in the Lord's presence. I no longer hate myself, in fact, I love myself, and I love who I am becoming again. I love where God is taking me. And I am so ready to fall head over heels with Jesus. I am done believing that my worth comes from boys or looks or popularity, because that is a lie that most high school girls fall to. But, I am done believing that, and I am going to believe in the truth again: my worth comes from God and God alone. My joy comes from God and God alone. All that I have to offer is it's best when I have God.
There is so much more that I am anticipating in the year to come, but if it's anything like these past 17 days, I have faith that the Jubilee is coming/ is here.
I am living in joy.
S
