Everyday Victories

When I first started this blog, I thought I would be using it mainly during sophomore year, describing all these wonderful moments that I was experiencing with the Lord. However, that was not what the Lord wanted for me. I remember the reason why I started this blog, so that others could see that our Father is real and He is good and He is setting hearts free. When  started this blog, I had just experienced true freedom in the Lord. He had redeemed my scared and traumatized heart and had brought me back to safety. I thought that once you experienced freedom in the Lord once, that you would always be free, that this type of freedom in Papa was one grand moment with Him that sky-rocketed your relationship with Him for the rest of your life.

I was wrong. Yes, in February/March of my sophomore year, the Lord did set me free. He allowed me to experience life in a way that I never had before and it was incredible. But as time went on, I became bonded and chained to temptations and lies again, this time they were different. I was believing that I had no worth in this world. I was believing that I was not beautiful, even in God's eyes. As soon as I proclaimed these things over my life, I really began to believe them and take them as truth. But, they are not truth, rather they are lies. This past summer, I began to realize that when you believe something for so long, and someone tells you differently, it really affects that person as well. I was constantly being told that I was beautiful, but I never believed it because I never loved myself. Junior year was spent working out all the time to make sure that I looked skinny, or had the right summer body. There were nights where I thought to myself, "if only this part of myself was smaller, then, maybe, I would be more accepted." This is such a sad reality that our world often gets caught up in: "if I do blank, then, blank will love me more." But that is such crap. It's lies that the enemy has sugar coated with some parts of truth to make us think that we really do need to change things. Here's the cold hard truth that I have learned: no body type is ever going to be the same as my best friend's or even my mom's. I was fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God and He wants me to love me for who I am and who He says I am. No matter how many times I tried to wish away a certain part of my body, or wish that it was smaller, I realized that it was still going to be there the next day, so I better get comfortable with it because it's not going away anytime soon. This summer, my self hate and lack of self-confidence hit an all time low, which ultimately drove people away from me. Being negative was not who I had become. But, while I was away for a month, away from social media shoving skinny models down my throat, I realized that I am beautiful. I realized that I had to love myself before I could ever love someone else. Which was a hard truth for me to realize because all I wanted to do was throw love at everyone I came into contact with. When I had begun to really believe that I was beautiful, it was such a game changer. It made me want to be a better person and I felt as if this weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Freedom reigned over my heart.

But it's not even the moments where I sit in my room and cry because God has done this amazing miracle of redeeming my heart. It's moments in everyday life where we begin to truly and simply bask in the glory and goodness of the Lord that we find freedom and joy in most everything. This year, I have learned that God is constantly setting me free. He is constantly defeating lies the enemy has told me. He is allowing me to say no to temptation and really live out what He's calling me to. I think there is this huge emphasis that freedom can only happen once in our life, and then for the rest of our life we are supposed to remember that freedom. But I believe different. I believe that God allows us to experience new, big freedoms with Him, that fill us up, and allow us to go into everyday life remembering and clinging to that freedom He's given us. Freedom is a daily thing, it's taking up our own crosses and meeting our best friend at His feet and asking for His grace and joy and mercy. Freedom is choosing to believe in the truth that our hearts know versus believing in the lies that society is telling us to be.

While I was in Uganda, I learned that there was something so freeing about giving up control. I had little to no control over what I was going to do the next day, and how I was going to get there. I remember sitting in a taxi jam-packed with 15-20 people in it (something that is very illegal in Uganda), and knowing the taxi driver was going to speed up really fast, break really hard, go over the speed bump, pull over to the side, unload and load people, and then get back on the road as fast as possible. Sometimes, they would be so reckless with their driving, that they wouldn't really swerve when a Boda-Boda (motorcycle) was two inches away from the car. It seemed insane that Kampala could be so busy and so reckless with their driving, but have it work for them. Each time I got into the car full of people, I knew that I had to just trust that God was going to get me from point A to point B safely because of how crazy and chaotic the roads were. There were no driving laws really and you could literally pass a car you were behind while going straight into head on traffic. It's so dangerous, but became something very soothing for me near the end of my time there. While this was such a small thing for me to give up control over, it was freeing to know that whatever happened, the Lord was protecting my safety. Ultimately, this giving up of control in my life in a taxi, led to me giving up a lot of control over other things as well. Before, I left for Uganda, I was very confused as to what was going to happen when I came home, or even before I left. Life was one big puzzle, and I had no pieces. So, as I hopped on my plane to Uganda and home from Uganda, I simply asked the Lord to do His will in my life, knowing that my heart was willing to do whatever God called me to do- no matter how much it hurt. But in the midst of constantly telling the Lord to do His will in my life, I forgot that God gives us choices. Because if we didn't get choice, it would never really be a relationship with God since He died for us to have free will. God wants us to freely and joyfully choose relationship with Him, He never wants anyone to feel like God is being forced on them.

I think somewhere along the way this year, I forgot to ask the Lord to do His will in my life, and just decided to choose. This isn't a bad thing, but there would be some days where I knew that my choices weren't going to lead me back to God's will for my life. A few weeks ago, I had coffee with one of the most amazing people ever. Her name is Chelsea and she spoke mad truth into my heart. It's no lie that I have been on the fence about taking a gap year and going to college next year. I knew that when the time came, I would have peace about what I was supposed to do. Chelsea allowed me to process both of my options with new insight, and made me realize that there is two types of freedom, and that I need to choose whichever place offered me more freedom in the Lord. So, I took a look at my two options: CSU and Uganda. If I go to CSU, I will basically know my friend group up there because of Younglife and my community would be super awesome and it would be so good for me to be there. That sounds like every Younglifer's dream- being comfortable. But it's not mine. If I take a gap year and go to Uganda, I would be going against cultural norms and I would really be uncomfortable. Key word: uncomfortable. For so long, I have been put in this box by my classmates and teachers and parents and friends where "I love Jesus and I love Younglife and I hang out with middle schoolers, and I do the right thing and my instagram is filled with bible verses and I am very loud". That's who I have been defined as, and I feel like that's who everyone knows me at CSU as. I'm tired of living in that box, I am tired of being so comfortable that I'm just "okay". I'm tired of being around the same people that I've known my whole life or for four years. I'm tired of being the person everyone expects me to be. I'm tired of being predictable. People know who I am, when I can't even seem to piece together a sentence to explain who I am. I am lost, and I am searching for answers. I am searching to be lost and to be uncomfortable. I am searching to do the Lord's will, even if it means making hard choices. I am searching to be completely free in the Lord, and I feel like Uganda is where I can go and be free in His love and find myself in the midst of breaking out of my box and being uncomfortable. Chelsea reminded me that whatever path I choose, God will correct me if I'm wrong and lead me back to the path of the ultimate goal He has in mind for me.

Right now, in this moment, I feel a huge tug on my heart to go to Uganda and be there and be uncomfortable with myself, but become comfortable in God's glory. Regardless of what happens, I know that the Lord will give me discernment on what He's truly calling me to. I've just got to stop trying to control my life and be my own God. I've got to sit down in the taxi and know that God is going to get me from point A to point B safely, no matter how long it takes, and no matter how many pit stops it takes, I'll get there one day. And I find something so freeing in giving up control of the little things, but also the big things.

Freedom is not found once, it's found in everyday victories and in moments where we peak a mountain. Freedom cannot be tamed. Freedom is calling.

Sar