Never put God in a box. He is crazy good. Last Friday, I thought senior year was going to suck. But boy, senior year has already surprised me. I'm obviously struggling to figure out what to do with my life still, but God is so gracious. Whenever I begin to doubt or begin to tally up the problems I have with people, God reminds me: 1) high grace- basically telling me that I should be more tolerant of the people who are hurting me because God has high grace for me, and 2) pray more, worry less. I think as I have sort of re-entered society, I have forgotten about what RMR and Uganda taught me this summer. And this morning, I remembered that I can't just "go with the flow" and let God do his work in my life. I am constantly making choices for my life because the Lord is giving me two things to always pick between: boys and Him. This has been a rather hard lesson for me to learn because I love attention from boys and I am rather boy crazy. But this morning, the Lord was just very patient with me and was showing me that I didn't need to have a boy in my life to know that I was loved...
On the solo night during RMR, my leader, Elise, and my guides, Allie and Steph, prayed over me before they left me that night. I remember Elise praying over me and asking the Holy Spirit to break down the walls between Him and I so that I could finally be His bride and that there would be a moment of intimacy between the Lord and I. Friends, that is EXACTLY what happened. Because there was no one else around me, I was really alone for the first time in a long time, I had to just trust that God was going to have my back. Once I realized that He had my back, I decided to let it go, I gave my broken heart to Christ and told Him I was going to trust Him with it because He is good and He isn't going to break my heart ever. That was so cool for me to experience. I finally stopped blaming God for my heart break and understood that I had to lose Sam in order for me to finally want Jesus more. This has actually been a really hard lesson for me to learn, but I don't think I would trade it for anything in this world. I was so in love with Sam, but the fact that I get to be in love with the Holy Spirit and know that my heart will never be broken by Him is one of the best feelings in the world. Solo night was a changing point for my heart.
For some reason though, lately I have begun to forsake being the Lord's bride and I have turned away from the love that He is offering me daily. This morning, He quietly whispered to me that I was enough no matter what boy did or didn't think so. Honestly, that is one of the most comforting and soul calming things for my heart to know right now. I am in a place of uncharted territory, I am still trying to figure out my place in Littleton, only because I know this is not where I belong long term. Plus, I am still dealing with heart break. But I'm clinging to God's promise of better for me, and that He is good, no matter what. God is still as good in Littleton as He was in Uganda, it's just not as easy for me to see that in so much hurt. However, I came across a quote on twitter (cheesy I know), but it really spoke to me about relationships in general. "Growing apart doesn't change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I'm glad for that." I think this speaks volumes about relationships and friendships that are no longer the way they used to be. Yes, it's sad, but sometimes one person can only make you love life for a little while and then you become unsatisfied. Then what? Sometimes people weren't meant to be in your life forever, maybe you outgrew each other. That's something that happens, and it's s sad to know that it's happened, but life goes on. My friend, Chance, and I were talking and he told me something I have to constantly remind myself about people that I have just met and want to be bff's with forever: "You're not supposed to be best friends with every awesome person you meet." What a true statement that is. Regardless of how much you loved them and how great that relationship was, sometimes you have to cut the rope so that you can grow. But just because the chord is severed does not mean that your hearts are not rooted deeply together or that you don't still miss them..
But God is still good, and every door you close, the Lord is going to open a new one and grow you all over again. It's a never ending cycle, but I truly believe that when we get very attached to a certain person, is when God takes them away. Why? Because we were not made to be dependent on man, we were made to be dependent on the Lord and need Him to fix us, not man. Our hearts should be deeply intertwined and rooted in who God says we are and the truth He is speaking to us daily.
So for now, no boys, just Jesus, and me being His bride. And that is what my heart loves, being in love with Jesus. I am loved, and I am loving. This morning, I woke up with a choice: boys or Jesus. Time and time again, I'm going to choose Jesus. Maybe someday, my heart will love again, but for now Jesus has captured me completely. I am forever His.
Senior year is surprising me, believe it or not, and I am loving every second of the freedom that I have found. I'm finding joy again and I'm learning more about who I want to be each day. Friends, never put God in a box. That's when He's going to surprise you.
Deeply Rooted and Established in His Love
Sar
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Friday, August 14, 2015
A Doubting Heart
Today was my last first day of high school. I am now a senior, even though I feel like I should be a sophomore still. It's a weird feeling to walk down the hallways and see that freshman are looking to me for guidance. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't really know how I feel about being a senior in general. A part of me is so excited because I finally get to be the one the underclassmen look up to and I get to do all the senior things, but I am also so terrified. I have a new schedule, a new outlook on life, and a completely new after school routine. I have no idea what to expect from senior year, good or bad. All I've been told is "senior year will surprise you." The thing is, I'm not good with surprises and change. I like to be in control of everything going on and in the know of what's about to happen. But this year, it's all so different. I feel like I'm grasping at thin air for friendships I've had for years and I have to prove myself to be loved by anyone at this point. I don't get to have nights where I can just lay on the couch and cuddle anymore because I don't have a boyfriend. I don't get to have nights where I just want to drive around and talk about everything and nothing. I don't get my after school grilled cheese sand-which, and I certainly do not get any kisses for the time being. I don't get nights where I can just have a girls night. Girls night is every weekend. This is all so hard for me to understand because I've had it for so long, and now it's all gone. So yeah, senior year will be hard. But I think in the past week I've become so nervous and anxious about what this year is to bring, that I am forgetting that God is in complete control of it. And because I am forgetting that my life is in the hands of our Beautiful Creator, my heart begins to doubt the promises that the Lord has promised me.
This past summer changed my life hands down. In all honesty, I don't know why I asked the Lord to do what He did, but He answered my prayer and did it anyway. June was rough, I tried to escape all of my feelings and make life seem like it was a billion times better than it actually was going. Truth be told; I spent countless hours crying and moping around wishing I could go back and change it all. But then July came. And the Lord showed up big time (you can read earlier blogs to hear about more of my July). July was a month of promises that the Lord had promised for years, but it also ended with new promises. Two of the biggest promises that I heard God speak to me was 1) I have better for you, and 2) you are free in my love. On the easier days being home, clinging to this truth and these promises is not that hard. But on the days when I feel like there will never be an end to this storm, clinging to these two promises is so hard because my heart is doubtful. I have become so conditioned to believe that nothing is going to work out, that I will never love again just because one high school relationship ended. I have begun to believe the lie that boys will like me better if I act a certain way. I have begun to believe that senior year is going to suck just because I don't have a boyfriend anymore. However, the two promises that the Lord gave me back in July, constantly creep back into my mind when I need to hear them the most. Which is definitely God calling me back to His feet and humbling me. This past week, I have had this mindset that senior year is going to suck and that life in general won't get better. But last night, mid-freak out, my brother had to remind me that it's high school. It's high school. And by that, it means there is life out there beyond the walls that I learn in and the halls that I walk down. Right now, my heart knows that there is better out there for me, and that I am free in the Lord's love and no one else's, but it's hard to understand that life happens outside of high school too. In 20 years, I will look back on my first love and say, "that was fun, that was special, I don't regret it." But I don't think I will remember the heartbreak that went with it. So, while I sit in my car sometimes crying and throw my own pity party, I have to remember two things, 1) it's high school, and 2) God promises better.
Being an impatient 17 year old girl and knowing that God has better for me is very hard. Because it's like I know that something out there is worth waiting for and holding out for, but for how long do I hold out for? Ya know? It's frustrating because when my heart gets stabbed a little more, I begin t doubt that God even hears me cry out to Him. Which is probably the stupidest thing ever, because of course the God of the universe hears my sorrow. I want my better now, and I don't really want to wait much longer for it. But that's where faith and trusting the Lord comes in. If I really do believe that the Lord has better for me, I'm going to wait for it, no matter the hurt that comes along with it.
Of course, today was weird for me, unusual to what I'm comfortable with. But at this point, I've learned that if I'm so in love with the Holy Spirit, when am I ever going to be comfortable in this world? The answer to that is I probably won't be comfortable until I'm home, but when we go outside of comfort zone, that is where God meets us to test our faith in Him. Though I am uncomfortable with all this change and unknowingness, I know that the Lord is my foundation of truth that will always overflow my soul. Even though I wish that I could have my after school routine back, I wouldn't trade the love that I have for God for anything to be back to "normal". So to my friends who are reading this, who have been constantly reminding me 1) that God has better in store, 2) it's high school, and 3) be joyful; THANK YOU! I know I have been constantly rolling my eyes, but it's what the Lord is calling me to hear and respond to. So thank you, you are blessing my heart eventually.
As for senior year? I think I can face it. I think as long as I am continually seeking truth and rooting myself in God's abundant love, I will make it out alive and enjoy these 9 months that go by oh so quickly. I'm eager to see what the Lord has in store for me..
God Promises Better
Sara
This past summer changed my life hands down. In all honesty, I don't know why I asked the Lord to do what He did, but He answered my prayer and did it anyway. June was rough, I tried to escape all of my feelings and make life seem like it was a billion times better than it actually was going. Truth be told; I spent countless hours crying and moping around wishing I could go back and change it all. But then July came. And the Lord showed up big time (you can read earlier blogs to hear about more of my July). July was a month of promises that the Lord had promised for years, but it also ended with new promises. Two of the biggest promises that I heard God speak to me was 1) I have better for you, and 2) you are free in my love. On the easier days being home, clinging to this truth and these promises is not that hard. But on the days when I feel like there will never be an end to this storm, clinging to these two promises is so hard because my heart is doubtful. I have become so conditioned to believe that nothing is going to work out, that I will never love again just because one high school relationship ended. I have begun to believe the lie that boys will like me better if I act a certain way. I have begun to believe that senior year is going to suck just because I don't have a boyfriend anymore. However, the two promises that the Lord gave me back in July, constantly creep back into my mind when I need to hear them the most. Which is definitely God calling me back to His feet and humbling me. This past week, I have had this mindset that senior year is going to suck and that life in general won't get better. But last night, mid-freak out, my brother had to remind me that it's high school. It's high school. And by that, it means there is life out there beyond the walls that I learn in and the halls that I walk down. Right now, my heart knows that there is better out there for me, and that I am free in the Lord's love and no one else's, but it's hard to understand that life happens outside of high school too. In 20 years, I will look back on my first love and say, "that was fun, that was special, I don't regret it." But I don't think I will remember the heartbreak that went with it. So, while I sit in my car sometimes crying and throw my own pity party, I have to remember two things, 1) it's high school, and 2) God promises better.
Being an impatient 17 year old girl and knowing that God has better for me is very hard. Because it's like I know that something out there is worth waiting for and holding out for, but for how long do I hold out for? Ya know? It's frustrating because when my heart gets stabbed a little more, I begin t doubt that God even hears me cry out to Him. Which is probably the stupidest thing ever, because of course the God of the universe hears my sorrow. I want my better now, and I don't really want to wait much longer for it. But that's where faith and trusting the Lord comes in. If I really do believe that the Lord has better for me, I'm going to wait for it, no matter the hurt that comes along with it.
Of course, today was weird for me, unusual to what I'm comfortable with. But at this point, I've learned that if I'm so in love with the Holy Spirit, when am I ever going to be comfortable in this world? The answer to that is I probably won't be comfortable until I'm home, but when we go outside of comfort zone, that is where God meets us to test our faith in Him. Though I am uncomfortable with all this change and unknowingness, I know that the Lord is my foundation of truth that will always overflow my soul. Even though I wish that I could have my after school routine back, I wouldn't trade the love that I have for God for anything to be back to "normal". So to my friends who are reading this, who have been constantly reminding me 1) that God has better in store, 2) it's high school, and 3) be joyful; THANK YOU! I know I have been constantly rolling my eyes, but it's what the Lord is calling me to hear and respond to. So thank you, you are blessing my heart eventually.
As for senior year? I think I can face it. I think as long as I am continually seeking truth and rooting myself in God's abundant love, I will make it out alive and enjoy these 9 months that go by oh so quickly. I'm eager to see what the Lord has in store for me..
God Promises Better
Sara
Thursday, August 6, 2015
In Desperate Need
In the past 5 years, Littleton has faced too many tragedy's, unfair ones. Each time, there is always an unconditional and constant outpouring of love. But at what cost does love need to be spread? Death. It's sad how someone dying is what it takes for us to realize that life is so precious and we need to make sure we know what is really important in life. But it's a consistent reminder at this point, that the only thing that matters is Jesus.
It's been hard for me to grasp that in every bad and traumatic event I've dealt with since sixth grade, there has always been an incredible outcome of goodness. I've seen the Lord work in amazing, indescribable ways. It's not the people that are raising millions of dollars to start up foundations, or the numerous candle light vigils we are going to that are making a difference. It's the moment that we feel the Holy Spirit come and sit by us, and weep alongside us. When something bad happens, I tend to blame God and yell at Him. Because He is all knowing, and He knows everything before it happens, it only makes sense that God could stop it too. But sometimes, He doesn't. And as a human, knowing that God can stop death, but won't, sucks. It even makes us question our belief in such a strong love and faith in something we cannot see. Every time I go to a candle light vigil, I am reminded that life is far too precious to mess around with, that relationships and people are important; not things, and to tell everyone you love them; it might be your last time to say that. In the midst of all the chaos, and hurt and anger, we should remember that Jesus feels our pain too, and He is weeping with us.
Growing up in an era where teenagers feel invincible and powerful, is hard. It just is. I am so guilty of feeling invincible all the time. It's like we've been taught to bottle up our feelings and act like nothing hurts us, when we all feel everything so deeply. We were made to hurt. We were made to be angry and to weep until the wee hours of the morning. But we were also made to love and rejoice. When I was in middle school, I would always ask myself, "What do people do in hard times when they don't have Jesus?" And I still ask myself that. I don't know the answer to that question, but I do know the answer to this question, "What do people do in hard times?" People love, and they cling to hope of better days. I, I, I cling to the Lord and know that He is good and that there will be beauty in all of this firey mess right now. It may be hard to see, but I always end up leaning back on knowing that there is goodness and beauty up ahead. Being a teenager, it is hard to admit that I am weak, and that I need help. But that is the most beautiful part of it all, I am weak and I need Jesus.
Right now, Littleton is weak and we need Jesus. We have put on this front that we are strong and that we don't need help. But in reality, we are weak. We have lost all hope. We have become discouraged and are at a point where we don't know if life around here will ever heal. Going to candle light vigils, and crying, and funerals, and hugging one another have become such a present thing in a majority of our lives, and that sucks. Except, every time we reveal our brokenness, we are admitting that we are weak and we NEED something better for us. That something better is Jesus. When I blamed God for taking all these precious people away from my friends and family, at some point, I had to realize that this was not God's own doing. It's the sin in our world that is dragging us all down. Sin is all consuming and we eventually will have to deal with it. But it's not easy to face death without our Refuge or Rock. Littleton is in desperate need of a Savior, the whole world is. We are not invincible.
The past few days, while I have been dealing with grief, I have been constantly reminded that God is good. It doesn't feel like God is good right now because of all the pain we are all feeling, but deep down I know the He is. I feel like I've been given such a sweet opportunity to love on people really well and hard in the past few days, and shine the Lord's light on the brokenness. At the end of the day, we all are given that opportunity. I'm not saying that if we love well and hard, death will no longer be a thing, but there will be a chain reaction that starts and maybe one day, we won't have to frequently go to candle light vigils and funerals. Maybe one day, we will rejoice in the constant celebrations of life and know that they are ALIVE in Christ. Death is no easy thing to face, especially as a lost teenager in high school. But the Lord is good, and He hasn't failed me yet.
So, while my heart is broken and mourning the life of another, I have to keep reminding myself that God is good. And I just have to remember that we are in desperate need, all the time. And I hope you remember that too.
We Need Jesus because He is Good
It's been hard for me to grasp that in every bad and traumatic event I've dealt with since sixth grade, there has always been an incredible outcome of goodness. I've seen the Lord work in amazing, indescribable ways. It's not the people that are raising millions of dollars to start up foundations, or the numerous candle light vigils we are going to that are making a difference. It's the moment that we feel the Holy Spirit come and sit by us, and weep alongside us. When something bad happens, I tend to blame God and yell at Him. Because He is all knowing, and He knows everything before it happens, it only makes sense that God could stop it too. But sometimes, He doesn't. And as a human, knowing that God can stop death, but won't, sucks. It even makes us question our belief in such a strong love and faith in something we cannot see. Every time I go to a candle light vigil, I am reminded that life is far too precious to mess around with, that relationships and people are important; not things, and to tell everyone you love them; it might be your last time to say that. In the midst of all the chaos, and hurt and anger, we should remember that Jesus feels our pain too, and He is weeping with us.
Growing up in an era where teenagers feel invincible and powerful, is hard. It just is. I am so guilty of feeling invincible all the time. It's like we've been taught to bottle up our feelings and act like nothing hurts us, when we all feel everything so deeply. We were made to hurt. We were made to be angry and to weep until the wee hours of the morning. But we were also made to love and rejoice. When I was in middle school, I would always ask myself, "What do people do in hard times when they don't have Jesus?" And I still ask myself that. I don't know the answer to that question, but I do know the answer to this question, "What do people do in hard times?" People love, and they cling to hope of better days. I, I, I cling to the Lord and know that He is good and that there will be beauty in all of this firey mess right now. It may be hard to see, but I always end up leaning back on knowing that there is goodness and beauty up ahead. Being a teenager, it is hard to admit that I am weak, and that I need help. But that is the most beautiful part of it all, I am weak and I need Jesus.
Right now, Littleton is weak and we need Jesus. We have put on this front that we are strong and that we don't need help. But in reality, we are weak. We have lost all hope. We have become discouraged and are at a point where we don't know if life around here will ever heal. Going to candle light vigils, and crying, and funerals, and hugging one another have become such a present thing in a majority of our lives, and that sucks. Except, every time we reveal our brokenness, we are admitting that we are weak and we NEED something better for us. That something better is Jesus. When I blamed God for taking all these precious people away from my friends and family, at some point, I had to realize that this was not God's own doing. It's the sin in our world that is dragging us all down. Sin is all consuming and we eventually will have to deal with it. But it's not easy to face death without our Refuge or Rock. Littleton is in desperate need of a Savior, the whole world is. We are not invincible.
The past few days, while I have been dealing with grief, I have been constantly reminded that God is good. It doesn't feel like God is good right now because of all the pain we are all feeling, but deep down I know the He is. I feel like I've been given such a sweet opportunity to love on people really well and hard in the past few days, and shine the Lord's light on the brokenness. At the end of the day, we all are given that opportunity. I'm not saying that if we love well and hard, death will no longer be a thing, but there will be a chain reaction that starts and maybe one day, we won't have to frequently go to candle light vigils and funerals. Maybe one day, we will rejoice in the constant celebrations of life and know that they are ALIVE in Christ. Death is no easy thing to face, especially as a lost teenager in high school. But the Lord is good, and He hasn't failed me yet.
So, while my heart is broken and mourning the life of another, I have to keep reminding myself that God is good. And I just have to remember that we are in desperate need, all the time. And I hope you remember that too.
We Need Jesus because He is Good
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