Today was my last first day of high school. I am now a senior, even though I feel like I should be a sophomore still. It's a weird feeling to walk down the hallways and see that freshman are looking to me for guidance. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't really know how I feel about being a senior in general. A part of me is so excited because I finally get to be the one the underclassmen look up to and I get to do all the senior things, but I am also so terrified. I have a new schedule, a new outlook on life, and a completely new after school routine. I have no idea what to expect from senior year, good or bad. All I've been told is "senior year will surprise you." The thing is, I'm not good with surprises and change. I like to be in control of everything going on and in the know of what's about to happen. But this year, it's all so different. I feel like I'm grasping at thin air for friendships I've had for years and I have to prove myself to be loved by anyone at this point. I don't get to have nights where I can just lay on the couch and cuddle anymore because I don't have a boyfriend. I don't get to have nights where I just want to drive around and talk about everything and nothing. I don't get my after school grilled cheese sand-which, and I certainly do not get any kisses for the time being. I don't get nights where I can just have a girls night. Girls night is every weekend. This is all so hard for me to understand because I've had it for so long, and now it's all gone. So yeah, senior year will be hard. But I think in the past week I've become so nervous and anxious about what this year is to bring, that I am forgetting that God is in complete control of it. And because I am forgetting that my life is in the hands of our Beautiful Creator, my heart begins to doubt the promises that the Lord has promised me.
This past summer changed my life hands down. In all honesty, I don't know why I asked the Lord to do what He did, but He answered my prayer and did it anyway. June was rough, I tried to escape all of my feelings and make life seem like it was a billion times better than it actually was going. Truth be told; I spent countless hours crying and moping around wishing I could go back and change it all. But then July came. And the Lord showed up big time (you can read earlier blogs to hear about more of my July). July was a month of promises that the Lord had promised for years, but it also ended with new promises. Two of the biggest promises that I heard God speak to me was 1) I have better for you, and 2) you are free in my love. On the easier days being home, clinging to this truth and these promises is not that hard. But on the days when I feel like there will never be an end to this storm, clinging to these two promises is so hard because my heart is doubtful. I have become so conditioned to believe that nothing is going to work out, that I will never love again just because one high school relationship ended. I have begun to believe the lie that boys will like me better if I act a certain way. I have begun to believe that senior year is going to suck just because I don't have a boyfriend anymore. However, the two promises that the Lord gave me back in July, constantly creep back into my mind when I need to hear them the most. Which is definitely God calling me back to His feet and humbling me. This past week, I have had this mindset that senior year is going to suck and that life in general won't get better. But last night, mid-freak out, my brother had to remind me that it's high school. It's high school. And by that, it means there is life out there beyond the walls that I learn in and the halls that I walk down. Right now, my heart knows that there is better out there for me, and that I am free in the Lord's love and no one else's, but it's hard to understand that life happens outside of high school too. In 20 years, I will look back on my first love and say, "that was fun, that was special, I don't regret it." But I don't think I will remember the heartbreak that went with it. So, while I sit in my car sometimes crying and throw my own pity party, I have to remember two things, 1) it's high school, and 2) God promises better.
Being an impatient 17 year old girl and knowing that God has better for me is very hard. Because it's like I know that something out there is worth waiting for and holding out for, but for how long do I hold out for? Ya know? It's frustrating because when my heart gets stabbed a little more, I begin t doubt that God even hears me cry out to Him. Which is probably the stupidest thing ever, because of course the God of the universe hears my sorrow. I want my better now, and I don't really want to wait much longer for it. But that's where faith and trusting the Lord comes in. If I really do believe that the Lord has better for me, I'm going to wait for it, no matter the hurt that comes along with it.
Of course, today was weird for me, unusual to what I'm comfortable with. But at this point, I've learned that if I'm so in love with the Holy Spirit, when am I ever going to be comfortable in this world? The answer to that is I probably won't be comfortable until I'm home, but when we go outside of comfort zone, that is where God meets us to test our faith in Him. Though I am uncomfortable with all this change and unknowingness, I know that the Lord is my foundation of truth that will always overflow my soul. Even though I wish that I could have my after school routine back, I wouldn't trade the love that I have for God for anything to be back to "normal". So to my friends who are reading this, who have been constantly reminding me 1) that God has better in store, 2) it's high school, and 3) be joyful; THANK YOU! I know I have been constantly rolling my eyes, but it's what the Lord is calling me to hear and respond to. So thank you, you are blessing my heart eventually.
As for senior year? I think I can face it. I think as long as I am continually seeking truth and rooting myself in God's abundant love, I will make it out alive and enjoy these 9 months that go by oh so quickly. I'm eager to see what the Lord has in store for me..
God Promises Better
Sara
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