Never put God in a box. He is crazy good. Last Friday, I thought senior year was going to suck. But boy, senior year has already surprised me. I'm obviously struggling to figure out what to do with my life still, but God is so gracious. Whenever I begin to doubt or begin to tally up the problems I have with people, God reminds me: 1) high grace- basically telling me that I should be more tolerant of the people who are hurting me because God has high grace for me, and 2) pray more, worry less. I think as I have sort of re-entered society, I have forgotten about what RMR and Uganda taught me this summer. And this morning, I remembered that I can't just "go with the flow" and let God do his work in my life. I am constantly making choices for my life because the Lord is giving me two things to always pick between: boys and Him. This has been a rather hard lesson for me to learn because I love attention from boys and I am rather boy crazy. But this morning, the Lord was just very patient with me and was showing me that I didn't need to have a boy in my life to know that I was loved...
On the solo night during RMR, my leader, Elise, and my guides, Allie and Steph, prayed over me before they left me that night. I remember Elise praying over me and asking the Holy Spirit to break down the walls between Him and I so that I could finally be His bride and that there would be a moment of intimacy between the Lord and I. Friends, that is EXACTLY what happened. Because there was no one else around me, I was really alone for the first time in a long time, I had to just trust that God was going to have my back. Once I realized that He had my back, I decided to let it go, I gave my broken heart to Christ and told Him I was going to trust Him with it because He is good and He isn't going to break my heart ever. That was so cool for me to experience. I finally stopped blaming God for my heart break and understood that I had to lose Sam in order for me to finally want Jesus more. This has actually been a really hard lesson for me to learn, but I don't think I would trade it for anything in this world. I was so in love with Sam, but the fact that I get to be in love with the Holy Spirit and know that my heart will never be broken by Him is one of the best feelings in the world. Solo night was a changing point for my heart.
For some reason though, lately I have begun to forsake being the Lord's bride and I have turned away from the love that He is offering me daily. This morning, He quietly whispered to me that I was enough no matter what boy did or didn't think so. Honestly, that is one of the most comforting and soul calming things for my heart to know right now. I am in a place of uncharted territory, I am still trying to figure out my place in Littleton, only because I know this is not where I belong long term. Plus, I am still dealing with heart break. But I'm clinging to God's promise of better for me, and that He is good, no matter what. God is still as good in Littleton as He was in Uganda, it's just not as easy for me to see that in so much hurt. However, I came across a quote on twitter (cheesy I know), but it really spoke to me about relationships in general. "Growing apart doesn't change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I'm glad for that." I think this speaks volumes about relationships and friendships that are no longer the way they used to be. Yes, it's sad, but sometimes one person can only make you love life for a little while and then you become unsatisfied. Then what? Sometimes people weren't meant to be in your life forever, maybe you outgrew each other. That's something that happens, and it's s sad to know that it's happened, but life goes on. My friend, Chance, and I were talking and he told me something I have to constantly remind myself about people that I have just met and want to be bff's with forever: "You're not supposed to be best friends with every awesome person you meet." What a true statement that is. Regardless of how much you loved them and how great that relationship was, sometimes you have to cut the rope so that you can grow. But just because the chord is severed does not mean that your hearts are not rooted deeply together or that you don't still miss them..
But God is still good, and every door you close, the Lord is going to open a new one and grow you all over again. It's a never ending cycle, but I truly believe that when we get very attached to a certain person, is when God takes them away. Why? Because we were not made to be dependent on man, we were made to be dependent on the Lord and need Him to fix us, not man. Our hearts should be deeply intertwined and rooted in who God says we are and the truth He is speaking to us daily.
So for now, no boys, just Jesus, and me being His bride. And that is what my heart loves, being in love with Jesus. I am loved, and I am loving. This morning, I woke up with a choice: boys or Jesus. Time and time again, I'm going to choose Jesus. Maybe someday, my heart will love again, but for now Jesus has captured me completely. I am forever His.
Senior year is surprising me, believe it or not, and I am loving every second of the freedom that I have found. I'm finding joy again and I'm learning more about who I want to be each day. Friends, never put God in a box. That's when He's going to surprise you.
Deeply Rooted and Established in His Love
Sar
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