Senior year has become this bittersweet time where I want to move on with my life, but I don't want to be done just yet. However, on days, and weeks like this one, my heart longs to be so far away from Littleton and I'm really okay with that.
High school is four years of a long life, and at the end of the day, no one really idolizes who they were in high school. But right now, it seems like it's the end of the world if I don't have a homecoming date, or if a friend gossips about me, or if I end up eating lunch alone. It's not though, and my head has become so consumed with the idea that high school is forever.
Ever since I was a little girl, I looked forward to and have dreamed about my senior year. I for sure thought my life would be like "A Cinderella Story", where I end up dating the quarterback on the football team and we go off to college together. I thought that I would have the best friend group in the world, and that we would be "popular". And I thought that I would end up applying to numerous prestigious colleges.
It's funny how God comes in and completely wrecks every plan we have. Even coming into senior year with the circumstances that I did, I put deadlines on everything on my life, and if it didn't happen by that day, I would just give up and move on. How silly is that? However, I have learned that I am not a person that likes to give up- on anything. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I give a million second chances. I refuse to see the bad in anyone or in any situation. Senior year has hands down been one of the loneliest years of my life. I was so used to being adored and loved on, that I don't know how to actually let people be nice to me or hug me. I hate hugging people now, which is sad because I want to love people so intentionally. Regardless of who I am now, I know that the Lord has some crazy plan for me and I just have to trust Him and follow Him into the storm and out into the light.
No matter how lonely I am though, the Lord is constantly reminding me that I am worthy and I am loved and I belong here right now. He has blessed with amazing best friends this year who genuinely care about me and encourage me to seek God in all that I'm doing. I don't think I've ever had such a strong group of friends who are so loving and free and silly, and it makes me a little sad that in our last year to all be together, we are finally figuring out how to deal with confrontation and gossiping. Regardless, shout out to Kaley, Katie, Sam, Darby, Hannah, Grace, Kaylee, and Megan for having my back and being my rocks this year. They have given me strength when all I wanted to do was give up. They have given me so much advice on boys and what to wear and what to not care about. I'm so thankful that I have so many best friends who are always looking out for me and have my back. They make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. They drive me insane sometimes, but at the end of the day, I love them. They love me in the ways that I need to be loved this year and I am forever thankful for that.
Not only have my best friends been such a blessing to me this year, but so have my wyldlife babies. They are seriously the best, and they make me smile every time we hang out. Some of the best parts of my week come from hanging out with them and knowing that life in seventh grade is easy, but to them it's like the end of the world. I love looking into their sweet faces and knowing that the Lord loves them so deeply and He has so much in store for them. Sometimes, I even like to think about which ones will be sitting in my spot years from now, loving girls they once were. My wyldlife girls love me so well and know how to cheer me up. They make silly jokes and are completely disinterested in boys, and I love that. I see so much of who I was in them when I was in middle school, which is so silly, but I know that deep down they probably felt the way I did: lost. But because I had amazing wyldlife leaders, I found my way to the light. And I pray for that for all of my wyldlife girls as well. They're all my little sisters, even though sometimes I feel more like their mom when we hang out. I'm always making sure that they are behaving. No matter what, my wyldlife girls make everything so worth it this year. Hanging out with them and showing them who Jesus is, is more rewarding and life giving than partying is. When I laugh with them, or cry with them, or simply get to hang out with them, I see that they are the future powerhouses for the Kingdom and I want them to all love Jesus. Honestly, there are so many seventh grade girls, that I feel so blessed to be able to love them all individually. I feel like a big sister to 30 girls, and that's something I've always wanted. Being a leader to the sweetest and most incredible seventh graders ever, is rewarding and gets me excited for what the Kingdom is going to look like.
But, in the midst of all these baby sisters and best friends, I'm still so lonely. My heart is searching for fulfillment that only God can give to me. I think that I am running after the Lord with everything in me, but if I truly was, wouldn't I not be lonely? I honestly don't know the answer to this question. But I do know that I am dying to be made whole in Jesus. I want so badly to finally be okay and not feel lonely. I think I really struggle with the fact that God is not something that I can physically see or touch, so the loneliness is really great. For so long, I was the person that LOVED hugs and loved cuddling and just being in constant contact with others, but now, I HATE touching others. I can't stand it. I also think that's another reason why I feel so lonely, I won't let anyone into my little bubble.
In the midst of this battle of loneliness and feeling so full when I'm with my friends, I have found that the Lord is really blessing me with the sweetest moments and the best memories. I am beyond blessed, but being beaten down by stress.
God has good plans for my life, and I trust that, even when it doesn't seem like it right now.
Put it in perspective
Sara
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Welcome to the PARTY!
God is so good, friends. I'm talking about jumping-for-joy, singing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs, greasy hair, wide eyed and mystified good.
For those of you who read this, and don't know, I'm a Wyldlife leader to a group of seventh grade girls that have absolutely stolen my heart and make me so proud. As a leader in Younglife,every fall, you go to Leadership Camp in the mountains. Today, I just got home from the most freeing and alive weekends I've had since senior year started. One thing I learned, is that the statement, "God is more evident in the backcountry" is SO TRUE. The Lord was glorious this weekend, and in more ways than one.
With a month of senior year down, and a few more to come, it seems as if the question of the year is: "What's after high school?" Honestly, I hadn't known what the answer was for a while, and I still am waiting on clarity. But, I think that the Lord is really calling me to be at CSU next year (if I get in), which I am so excited about! For a while, I was telling myself that Uganda was the right choice for me right after high school because it's an escape from everything that is dragging me down here. I was telling myself that Uganda would be my place of joy, and it is, but it's where I needed to be now, and there a year from now as well. God has really tried to teach me this year, that He is good no matter where I am. Which I now realize is so true. I've learned that it doesn't matter where I am a year from now, or where I am in ten years, what matters is the now moment. My heart longs to be somewhere besides Littleton, and CSU and Uganda or traveling the world seem like the very best answer; the easiest answer. But, my friend Carlee reminded me that joy and freedom do not resonate with a place, a person, or a thing. Joy and freedom come from knowing that the Lord loves me unconditionally. No place or thing will ever be able to offer me what I'm truly looking for. It's been cool to understand that concept this weekend as I have been hanging out with my closest friends that have become my family. For now, the Lord is tugging at my heart to be at CSU next year, but that could always change in a few months. At this point in the season of life that I am in, I am willing to go wherever God calls me to go because it is so pointless to not ride out the storm.
Not only has the Lord provided me with some clarity about what next year holds for me, He spoke so much truth into my heart and over my life. Every worship song we sang, there were moments when I would cy out in pain because my chest physically ached with sorrow and sadness, but the next moment I was rejoicing and smiling because I knew that while this brokenness sucks, it's not going to be like this forever. And that is something that is worth rejoicing over. Honestly, looking back not even 24 hours later, I don't really remember much about what the camp speaker had to say because I was so focused on other things, and the worship this weekend really filled my cup. However, this morning, I remember Terry, the Front Range Region Director, said, "let it go."
Friends, I have been told, "let it go", "don't collapse", "it's going to get better" so many times. I didn't want to hear it again. I just wanted people to let me sulk in my sadness and just be bitter about life. But, God had other things in store for me.
This morning I walked into the pavilion with 900 other Younglife leaders from all over Colorado. To our surprise, each chair had our mission statement, a CD, and a balloon attached to it. The room was filled from ceiling to floor with white balloons and gold string: heaven. It was a party, it was THE party that we all got invited into many years ago and haven't left yet. We have taken up our invitation and decided to hand it out to others, so that there may be thousands of pavilions filled with balloons and CD's and mission statements and laughter and glorious parties. This morning was God. There's no other way to explain it. This weekend I had been wrestling with the concept of "let it go", and the Lord was really stirring up my heart. As we worshiped and sang praises to our sweet, sweet Papa, leaders who felt compelled to share verses spoke them into the mic for all to hear, and it was good. There was truth proclaimed in every inch of that pavilion with the balloons touching the ceiling. Something good was happening, something I cannot explain to you. As Terry was sending us off into this coming year of leading Younglives, Capernaum, Younglife, and Wyldlife, she goes, "take hold of the balloon attached to your chair. Yank heaven down to you and grab hold of this incredible invitation to an eternal party. But know, that when you take hold of heaven, you are stepping into the future, into the now, and you are letting go of the past." In that moment, I yanked down my balloon and the tears came streaming down my face.
This was a moment of light being shed onto a whole lot of darkness. This was a moment that I will cling to in the days, and weeks, and months to come as I finish riding out the storm. I don't know how to explain any of what the Holy Spirit did with my heart this weekend, there is just no good description to what He has done. But know this, while I am still picking up pieces of brokenness glass, I have also let it go. My brokenness no longer defines the person that I was made to be. I am a child of God and He is calling me to higher things. But in order for me to reach those higher things, I needed to grab hold of heaven and let all the bitterness, anger, hurt, and pain go.
So, while I will still probably hear, "let it go," know that something this weekend happened, that is completely intimate between the Holy Spirit and I, and I will never be able to understand it fully. I feel restored and redeemed after this weekend, something I had been holding out for. As this semester begins, pray that I would be able to seek His Kingdom and keep inviting middle school boys and girls into the party, so that some day they too, might be able to let it all go.
Never miss out on the opportunity to love deeply on everyone. We are all dying to be made whole by our Creator, and this weekend, I was loved on deeply, by 900 people I don't know, and it was a time of restoration and hope arising. We are all searching for answers that only God can give us. So come, ask your questions, and be welcomed into the party.
Accept the Invitation
Sara
For those of you who read this, and don't know, I'm a Wyldlife leader to a group of seventh grade girls that have absolutely stolen my heart and make me so proud. As a leader in Younglife,every fall, you go to Leadership Camp in the mountains. Today, I just got home from the most freeing and alive weekends I've had since senior year started. One thing I learned, is that the statement, "God is more evident in the backcountry" is SO TRUE. The Lord was glorious this weekend, and in more ways than one.
With a month of senior year down, and a few more to come, it seems as if the question of the year is: "What's after high school?" Honestly, I hadn't known what the answer was for a while, and I still am waiting on clarity. But, I think that the Lord is really calling me to be at CSU next year (if I get in), which I am so excited about! For a while, I was telling myself that Uganda was the right choice for me right after high school because it's an escape from everything that is dragging me down here. I was telling myself that Uganda would be my place of joy, and it is, but it's where I needed to be now, and there a year from now as well. God has really tried to teach me this year, that He is good no matter where I am. Which I now realize is so true. I've learned that it doesn't matter where I am a year from now, or where I am in ten years, what matters is the now moment. My heart longs to be somewhere besides Littleton, and CSU and Uganda or traveling the world seem like the very best answer; the easiest answer. But, my friend Carlee reminded me that joy and freedom do not resonate with a place, a person, or a thing. Joy and freedom come from knowing that the Lord loves me unconditionally. No place or thing will ever be able to offer me what I'm truly looking for. It's been cool to understand that concept this weekend as I have been hanging out with my closest friends that have become my family. For now, the Lord is tugging at my heart to be at CSU next year, but that could always change in a few months. At this point in the season of life that I am in, I am willing to go wherever God calls me to go because it is so pointless to not ride out the storm.
Not only has the Lord provided me with some clarity about what next year holds for me, He spoke so much truth into my heart and over my life. Every worship song we sang, there were moments when I would cy out in pain because my chest physically ached with sorrow and sadness, but the next moment I was rejoicing and smiling because I knew that while this brokenness sucks, it's not going to be like this forever. And that is something that is worth rejoicing over. Honestly, looking back not even 24 hours later, I don't really remember much about what the camp speaker had to say because I was so focused on other things, and the worship this weekend really filled my cup. However, this morning, I remember Terry, the Front Range Region Director, said, "let it go."
Friends, I have been told, "let it go", "don't collapse", "it's going to get better" so many times. I didn't want to hear it again. I just wanted people to let me sulk in my sadness and just be bitter about life. But, God had other things in store for me.
This morning I walked into the pavilion with 900 other Younglife leaders from all over Colorado. To our surprise, each chair had our mission statement, a CD, and a balloon attached to it. The room was filled from ceiling to floor with white balloons and gold string: heaven. It was a party, it was THE party that we all got invited into many years ago and haven't left yet. We have taken up our invitation and decided to hand it out to others, so that there may be thousands of pavilions filled with balloons and CD's and mission statements and laughter and glorious parties. This morning was God. There's no other way to explain it. This weekend I had been wrestling with the concept of "let it go", and the Lord was really stirring up my heart. As we worshiped and sang praises to our sweet, sweet Papa, leaders who felt compelled to share verses spoke them into the mic for all to hear, and it was good. There was truth proclaimed in every inch of that pavilion with the balloons touching the ceiling. Something good was happening, something I cannot explain to you. As Terry was sending us off into this coming year of leading Younglives, Capernaum, Younglife, and Wyldlife, she goes, "take hold of the balloon attached to your chair. Yank heaven down to you and grab hold of this incredible invitation to an eternal party. But know, that when you take hold of heaven, you are stepping into the future, into the now, and you are letting go of the past." In that moment, I yanked down my balloon and the tears came streaming down my face.
This was a moment of light being shed onto a whole lot of darkness. This was a moment that I will cling to in the days, and weeks, and months to come as I finish riding out the storm. I don't know how to explain any of what the Holy Spirit did with my heart this weekend, there is just no good description to what He has done. But know this, while I am still picking up pieces of brokenness glass, I have also let it go. My brokenness no longer defines the person that I was made to be. I am a child of God and He is calling me to higher things. But in order for me to reach those higher things, I needed to grab hold of heaven and let all the bitterness, anger, hurt, and pain go.
So, while I will still probably hear, "let it go," know that something this weekend happened, that is completely intimate between the Holy Spirit and I, and I will never be able to understand it fully. I feel restored and redeemed after this weekend, something I had been holding out for. As this semester begins, pray that I would be able to seek His Kingdom and keep inviting middle school boys and girls into the party, so that some day they too, might be able to let it all go.
Never miss out on the opportunity to love deeply on everyone. We are all dying to be made whole by our Creator, and this weekend, I was loved on deeply, by 900 people I don't know, and it was a time of restoration and hope arising. We are all searching for answers that only God can give us. So come, ask your questions, and be welcomed into the party.
Accept the Invitation
Sara
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Rollercoaster Ride
Attitude can go a little or a long way, depending on how you approach the situation. I believe that if you go into every situation with an optimistic attitude, you will always have the best outcomes, no matter what.
Senior year has been such a rollercoaster ride for me. There have been days where I walk into school wanting to get off and go home, but then there have been days where I throw my hands up in the air and enjoy every second of it. Each day presents new opportunity and each day I get to choose if I'm going to take risks and chances, or if I'm going to shut down every opportunity I get. It's safe to say, that I'm not happy. I can't really explain it, but I know I'm not. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that so much is being thrown in my face; boys, football games, parties, WWW- basically everything any high schooler has to deal with. But for me, this year, it's been extremely hard for me to walk away from it all. I want to be in the depth of everything, I want to go to every school event and I want to go to every party and I want to flirt with every boy. It's as simple as this: I want it all. On the days when I do choose to ride the rollercoaster with my hands up in the air, they are the best and I know that God is good. But on the days when I want to get off, it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel- that this time of unhappiness will never come to an end. As I sat in church this morning, I questioned myself and the future and what the Lord has for me. I asked Him if CSU was really where I needed to be next year, or if I should be back in Uganda. I asked Him who I was. I asked Him to show me something, anything, to hold onto- to know that it was all worth holding on for. Friends, God did just that.
This morning, God reminded me of His goodness. But it wasn't like anything that I had been reminding myself like, "God is still good here like He was in Uganda, you just can't see it," or "God has promised better, hold out," it was God literally speaking to me saying, "You are not good right now, but I am. And that's enough to be happy." Honestly, it was the thing my heart needed to hear. Everyone has been telling me that it's going to be okay, and that I'm going to be happy again soon, or to let it all go. It's all great advice, but it's not helpful when I am constantly caught up in my emotions.
But because God is good, and He loves me, and He has promised me great things, I will stop crying and being sad and I will lift my hands up to the Heavens and REJOICE! God is crazy good and He will be my strength and my joy. He will be my unending song that I sing. He's a good good Father on the days I want to enjoy the rollercoaster and He's a good good Father when I want to get off. Because the Lord is good, I will stop stressing out over petty things like parties and boys and where I stand at football games. Just because I am a senior does not mean that I'm invincible and it doesn't mean that I need to be in the middle of it all. This week, I have been reminded of the exhaustion that comes along with going to sporting events and then waking up for school the next morning. I have been reminded that Jesus is the only thing that is every really going to satisfy my heart, not even being a part of every single event this year can do that.
There is life after high school and there is happiness after heart break. I think that right now, for me, everything seems so big and I need immerse myself in it all so I don't have any regrets. But, in nine short months, I will be done with high school and I will be onto the next adventure. High school will be in the rearview mirror and I will only have memories and friendships to hold onto. In all honesty though, whoever said high school is the best four years of your life, lied. Because, it's not. Sure, there are times when it's really awesome. But looking at three years passing by, it's just a phase of life where an instagram post starts drama, or homecoming dates are stressful, and the ACT determines your future. If you're going to let one chapter of four years of your life be "the best", then I feel sorry for you. There is a world full of opportunity out there, dying to be awakened and to be explored and rooted in. With that though, here's to the best four years of my teenage life. To the nights I spent tp'ing boys at three in the morning, to the awkward pictures taken for dances, to the days where you are too tired to function, to the nights you drove all around playing hostage because you just got your license. Here's to the class periods where the class clown was relentless and drove the teacher crazy, or to days where you counted down the minutes of sixth hour waiting for the big game that night, or t the moments where you thought nothing could be more perfect. High school, it's the perfect ending to our childhood, where we gain much more responsibility.
Senior year: the final year where you stress out about college, you fight like crazy with your parents, and you make every moment the best with your friends. This is the year where I get to say goodbye to kids I have never known and kids that I have known my whole life. The year where I get the choice to be happy and to walk away from Arapahoe with millions of friends, if I choose to say yes. What a rollercoaster it has been for me. But today, I'm choosing to finally live by Augustus Waters' saying: "I'm on a rollercoaster that only goes up." I know that it is cheesy, but I think it's finally time for me to stop stressing and worrying and being sad, and enjoy life the way God intended me to. And friends, I am so excited for it all.
So as I take a step back, and re-evaluate my sadness, I will remind myself that this life is good and that God is good, even if I am not okay. I will cling to the freedom and joy and love and peace that I found this past summer, and I will remind myself of the joy and abundant blessings that are to come. There is life after high school, and it's all going to be so good.
Attitude is the game changer. Life is good and God is good. So REJOICE and praise Him because He is a good good Father.
Sara
Senior year has been such a rollercoaster ride for me. There have been days where I walk into school wanting to get off and go home, but then there have been days where I throw my hands up in the air and enjoy every second of it. Each day presents new opportunity and each day I get to choose if I'm going to take risks and chances, or if I'm going to shut down every opportunity I get. It's safe to say, that I'm not happy. I can't really explain it, but I know I'm not. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that so much is being thrown in my face; boys, football games, parties, WWW- basically everything any high schooler has to deal with. But for me, this year, it's been extremely hard for me to walk away from it all. I want to be in the depth of everything, I want to go to every school event and I want to go to every party and I want to flirt with every boy. It's as simple as this: I want it all. On the days when I do choose to ride the rollercoaster with my hands up in the air, they are the best and I know that God is good. But on the days when I want to get off, it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel- that this time of unhappiness will never come to an end. As I sat in church this morning, I questioned myself and the future and what the Lord has for me. I asked Him if CSU was really where I needed to be next year, or if I should be back in Uganda. I asked Him who I was. I asked Him to show me something, anything, to hold onto- to know that it was all worth holding on for. Friends, God did just that.
This morning, God reminded me of His goodness. But it wasn't like anything that I had been reminding myself like, "God is still good here like He was in Uganda, you just can't see it," or "God has promised better, hold out," it was God literally speaking to me saying, "You are not good right now, but I am. And that's enough to be happy." Honestly, it was the thing my heart needed to hear. Everyone has been telling me that it's going to be okay, and that I'm going to be happy again soon, or to let it all go. It's all great advice, but it's not helpful when I am constantly caught up in my emotions.
But because God is good, and He loves me, and He has promised me great things, I will stop crying and being sad and I will lift my hands up to the Heavens and REJOICE! God is crazy good and He will be my strength and my joy. He will be my unending song that I sing. He's a good good Father on the days I want to enjoy the rollercoaster and He's a good good Father when I want to get off. Because the Lord is good, I will stop stressing out over petty things like parties and boys and where I stand at football games. Just because I am a senior does not mean that I'm invincible and it doesn't mean that I need to be in the middle of it all. This week, I have been reminded of the exhaustion that comes along with going to sporting events and then waking up for school the next morning. I have been reminded that Jesus is the only thing that is every really going to satisfy my heart, not even being a part of every single event this year can do that.
There is life after high school and there is happiness after heart break. I think that right now, for me, everything seems so big and I need immerse myself in it all so I don't have any regrets. But, in nine short months, I will be done with high school and I will be onto the next adventure. High school will be in the rearview mirror and I will only have memories and friendships to hold onto. In all honesty though, whoever said high school is the best four years of your life, lied. Because, it's not. Sure, there are times when it's really awesome. But looking at three years passing by, it's just a phase of life where an instagram post starts drama, or homecoming dates are stressful, and the ACT determines your future. If you're going to let one chapter of four years of your life be "the best", then I feel sorry for you. There is a world full of opportunity out there, dying to be awakened and to be explored and rooted in. With that though, here's to the best four years of my teenage life. To the nights I spent tp'ing boys at three in the morning, to the awkward pictures taken for dances, to the days where you are too tired to function, to the nights you drove all around playing hostage because you just got your license. Here's to the class periods where the class clown was relentless and drove the teacher crazy, or to days where you counted down the minutes of sixth hour waiting for the big game that night, or t the moments where you thought nothing could be more perfect. High school, it's the perfect ending to our childhood, where we gain much more responsibility.
Senior year: the final year where you stress out about college, you fight like crazy with your parents, and you make every moment the best with your friends. This is the year where I get to say goodbye to kids I have never known and kids that I have known my whole life. The year where I get the choice to be happy and to walk away from Arapahoe with millions of friends, if I choose to say yes. What a rollercoaster it has been for me. But today, I'm choosing to finally live by Augustus Waters' saying: "I'm on a rollercoaster that only goes up." I know that it is cheesy, but I think it's finally time for me to stop stressing and worrying and being sad, and enjoy life the way God intended me to. And friends, I am so excited for it all.
So as I take a step back, and re-evaluate my sadness, I will remind myself that this life is good and that God is good, even if I am not okay. I will cling to the freedom and joy and love and peace that I found this past summer, and I will remind myself of the joy and abundant blessings that are to come. There is life after high school, and it's all going to be so good.
Attitude is the game changer. Life is good and God is good. So REJOICE and praise Him because He is a good good Father.
Sara
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)