Senior year has become this bittersweet time where I want to move on with my life, but I don't want to be done just yet. However, on days, and weeks like this one, my heart longs to be so far away from Littleton and I'm really okay with that.
High school is four years of a long life, and at the end of the day, no one really idolizes who they were in high school. But right now, it seems like it's the end of the world if I don't have a homecoming date, or if a friend gossips about me, or if I end up eating lunch alone. It's not though, and my head has become so consumed with the idea that high school is forever.
Ever since I was a little girl, I looked forward to and have dreamed about my senior year. I for sure thought my life would be like "A Cinderella Story", where I end up dating the quarterback on the football team and we go off to college together. I thought that I would have the best friend group in the world, and that we would be "popular". And I thought that I would end up applying to numerous prestigious colleges.
It's funny how God comes in and completely wrecks every plan we have. Even coming into senior year with the circumstances that I did, I put deadlines on everything on my life, and if it didn't happen by that day, I would just give up and move on. How silly is that? However, I have learned that I am not a person that likes to give up- on anything. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I give a million second chances. I refuse to see the bad in anyone or in any situation. Senior year has hands down been one of the loneliest years of my life. I was so used to being adored and loved on, that I don't know how to actually let people be nice to me or hug me. I hate hugging people now, which is sad because I want to love people so intentionally. Regardless of who I am now, I know that the Lord has some crazy plan for me and I just have to trust Him and follow Him into the storm and out into the light.
No matter how lonely I am though, the Lord is constantly reminding me that I am worthy and I am loved and I belong here right now. He has blessed with amazing best friends this year who genuinely care about me and encourage me to seek God in all that I'm doing. I don't think I've ever had such a strong group of friends who are so loving and free and silly, and it makes me a little sad that in our last year to all be together, we are finally figuring out how to deal with confrontation and gossiping. Regardless, shout out to Kaley, Katie, Sam, Darby, Hannah, Grace, Kaylee, and Megan for having my back and being my rocks this year. They have given me strength when all I wanted to do was give up. They have given me so much advice on boys and what to wear and what to not care about. I'm so thankful that I have so many best friends who are always looking out for me and have my back. They make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. They drive me insane sometimes, but at the end of the day, I love them. They love me in the ways that I need to be loved this year and I am forever thankful for that.
Not only have my best friends been such a blessing to me this year, but so have my wyldlife babies. They are seriously the best, and they make me smile every time we hang out. Some of the best parts of my week come from hanging out with them and knowing that life in seventh grade is easy, but to them it's like the end of the world. I love looking into their sweet faces and knowing that the Lord loves them so deeply and He has so much in store for them. Sometimes, I even like to think about which ones will be sitting in my spot years from now, loving girls they once were. My wyldlife girls love me so well and know how to cheer me up. They make silly jokes and are completely disinterested in boys, and I love that. I see so much of who I was in them when I was in middle school, which is so silly, but I know that deep down they probably felt the way I did: lost. But because I had amazing wyldlife leaders, I found my way to the light. And I pray for that for all of my wyldlife girls as well. They're all my little sisters, even though sometimes I feel more like their mom when we hang out. I'm always making sure that they are behaving. No matter what, my wyldlife girls make everything so worth it this year. Hanging out with them and showing them who Jesus is, is more rewarding and life giving than partying is. When I laugh with them, or cry with them, or simply get to hang out with them, I see that they are the future powerhouses for the Kingdom and I want them to all love Jesus. Honestly, there are so many seventh grade girls, that I feel so blessed to be able to love them all individually. I feel like a big sister to 30 girls, and that's something I've always wanted. Being a leader to the sweetest and most incredible seventh graders ever, is rewarding and gets me excited for what the Kingdom is going to look like.
But, in the midst of all these baby sisters and best friends, I'm still so lonely. My heart is searching for fulfillment that only God can give to me. I think that I am running after the Lord with everything in me, but if I truly was, wouldn't I not be lonely? I honestly don't know the answer to this question. But I do know that I am dying to be made whole in Jesus. I want so badly to finally be okay and not feel lonely. I think I really struggle with the fact that God is not something that I can physically see or touch, so the loneliness is really great. For so long, I was the person that LOVED hugs and loved cuddling and just being in constant contact with others, but now, I HATE touching others. I can't stand it. I also think that's another reason why I feel so lonely, I won't let anyone into my little bubble.
In the midst of this battle of loneliness and feeling so full when I'm with my friends, I have found that the Lord is really blessing me with the sweetest moments and the best memories. I am beyond blessed, but being beaten down by stress.
God has good plans for my life, and I trust that, even when it doesn't seem like it right now.
Put it in perspective
Sara
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