God is so good, friends. I'm talking about jumping-for-joy, singing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs, greasy hair, wide eyed and mystified good.
For those of you who read this, and don't know, I'm a Wyldlife leader to a group of seventh grade girls that have absolutely stolen my heart and make me so proud. As a leader in Younglife,every fall, you go to Leadership Camp in the mountains. Today, I just got home from the most freeing and alive weekends I've had since senior year started. One thing I learned, is that the statement, "God is more evident in the backcountry" is SO TRUE. The Lord was glorious this weekend, and in more ways than one.
With a month of senior year down, and a few more to come, it seems as if the question of the year is: "What's after high school?" Honestly, I hadn't known what the answer was for a while, and I still am waiting on clarity. But, I think that the Lord is really calling me to be at CSU next year (if I get in), which I am so excited about! For a while, I was telling myself that Uganda was the right choice for me right after high school because it's an escape from everything that is dragging me down here. I was telling myself that Uganda would be my place of joy, and it is, but it's where I needed to be now, and there a year from now as well. God has really tried to teach me this year, that He is good no matter where I am. Which I now realize is so true. I've learned that it doesn't matter where I am a year from now, or where I am in ten years, what matters is the now moment. My heart longs to be somewhere besides Littleton, and CSU and Uganda or traveling the world seem like the very best answer; the easiest answer. But, my friend Carlee reminded me that joy and freedom do not resonate with a place, a person, or a thing. Joy and freedom come from knowing that the Lord loves me unconditionally. No place or thing will ever be able to offer me what I'm truly looking for. It's been cool to understand that concept this weekend as I have been hanging out with my closest friends that have become my family. For now, the Lord is tugging at my heart to be at CSU next year, but that could always change in a few months. At this point in the season of life that I am in, I am willing to go wherever God calls me to go because it is so pointless to not ride out the storm.
Not only has the Lord provided me with some clarity about what next year holds for me, He spoke so much truth into my heart and over my life. Every worship song we sang, there were moments when I would cy out in pain because my chest physically ached with sorrow and sadness, but the next moment I was rejoicing and smiling because I knew that while this brokenness sucks, it's not going to be like this forever. And that is something that is worth rejoicing over. Honestly, looking back not even 24 hours later, I don't really remember much about what the camp speaker had to say because I was so focused on other things, and the worship this weekend really filled my cup. However, this morning, I remember Terry, the Front Range Region Director, said, "let it go."
Friends, I have been told, "let it go", "don't collapse", "it's going to get better" so many times. I didn't want to hear it again. I just wanted people to let me sulk in my sadness and just be bitter about life. But, God had other things in store for me.
This morning I walked into the pavilion with 900 other Younglife leaders from all over Colorado. To our surprise, each chair had our mission statement, a CD, and a balloon attached to it. The room was filled from ceiling to floor with white balloons and gold string: heaven. It was a party, it was THE party that we all got invited into many years ago and haven't left yet. We have taken up our invitation and decided to hand it out to others, so that there may be thousands of pavilions filled with balloons and CD's and mission statements and laughter and glorious parties. This morning was God. There's no other way to explain it. This weekend I had been wrestling with the concept of "let it go", and the Lord was really stirring up my heart. As we worshiped and sang praises to our sweet, sweet Papa, leaders who felt compelled to share verses spoke them into the mic for all to hear, and it was good. There was truth proclaimed in every inch of that pavilion with the balloons touching the ceiling. Something good was happening, something I cannot explain to you. As Terry was sending us off into this coming year of leading Younglives, Capernaum, Younglife, and Wyldlife, she goes, "take hold of the balloon attached to your chair. Yank heaven down to you and grab hold of this incredible invitation to an eternal party. But know, that when you take hold of heaven, you are stepping into the future, into the now, and you are letting go of the past." In that moment, I yanked down my balloon and the tears came streaming down my face.
This was a moment of light being shed onto a whole lot of darkness. This was a moment that I will cling to in the days, and weeks, and months to come as I finish riding out the storm. I don't know how to explain any of what the Holy Spirit did with my heart this weekend, there is just no good description to what He has done. But know this, while I am still picking up pieces of brokenness glass, I have also let it go. My brokenness no longer defines the person that I was made to be. I am a child of God and He is calling me to higher things. But in order for me to reach those higher things, I needed to grab hold of heaven and let all the bitterness, anger, hurt, and pain go.
So, while I will still probably hear, "let it go," know that something this weekend happened, that is completely intimate between the Holy Spirit and I, and I will never be able to understand it fully. I feel restored and redeemed after this weekend, something I had been holding out for. As this semester begins, pray that I would be able to seek His Kingdom and keep inviting middle school boys and girls into the party, so that some day they too, might be able to let it all go.
Never miss out on the opportunity to love deeply on everyone. We are all dying to be made whole by our Creator, and this weekend, I was loved on deeply, by 900 people I don't know, and it was a time of restoration and hope arising. We are all searching for answers that only God can give us. So come, ask your questions, and be welcomed into the party.
Accept the Invitation
Sara
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