July 21, 2015, I stepped off the plane back onto Colorado soil for the first time in three weeks. I was devastated. Truthfully, I had just had the most life-giving three weeks of my life and I came home to a world of hurt and an unsure senior year. I didn't understand why God was placing me back in Colorado for one more year. Fast forward to August 14, 2015: the first day of my senior year. This year has been a year of uncharted territory and I had no idea what to expect. First hour, I walked into my peer internship class, where I signed up to go to a class with a student who has a disability. By the grace of God, I was partnered up with Spencer Townshend.
Spencer is joy. Spencer is a -sneak-peek of sunshine on a cloudy day. Spencer is that smile to cheer you up when the tears are streaming down your cheek. Spencer is unconditional love; he doesn't care who you are or what you look like, he wants to know who you are (literally he will ask "who are you?") and he wants to be your friend. Spencer is strong, he loves to show you his muscles and kiss them when you ask him to. Spencer is smart. Spencer is silly: he will sing for you even when it's not the most appropriate times, but it will make you giggle like no other. Spencer is kind: he is always asking why someone is sad or upset or grumpy. Spencer is hope. Spencer is life-changing, world rocking, 180 degree flipping. Spencer is my senior year saving grace.
There have been countless times when I didn't understand why I was coming home from Uganda. I didn't understand why God was taking me away from my place of joy. Last year, I was so wrapped up in my relationship and I didn't have much an identity without my boyfriend. So this year, it was terrifying for me to not really know what I was walking into, much less, who I really was. There have been days where I feel confused and alone and unsure of who I am and my heart has ached because of this. But because God is a good, good Papa, and He holds true to His promises, God blessed me with my favorite friendship this year: Mr. Spencer Townshend. On the days when I wake up and don't feel like school is worth it, Spencer's bright smile and "happy&strong, feel too good&better attitude" has kept me going and made the day so much better. Or on the days when I would come home from school feeling defeated, like I wasn't good enough, his mom, Mitzi Townshend, would send me videos of Spencer telling me he loves me and hoping that my day was good. What a gift. When the world seemed so cold and painful, Spencer was the warmth and some of the glue to put back the broken pieces. Spencer has single handedly made my senior year a thousand times better than I ever expected it to be. He has become my absolute favorite human and senior boy. Spencer is my best friend and my guy. I love him. He brings me joy and he's sparked a passion inside of me for children with disabilities. Spencer has helped me figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life, which is to help others. Every. Single. Day.
This week, I got accepted into my "reach" school, also my first choice: Appalachian State University in Boone, North Carolina. I hope to attend there next fall if that is what the Lord wants for me. There, I hope to double major in communications and global studies, and minor in special education. The first two majors were decided when I came home from Uganda and it's what I have a passion for. But throughout this year, spending a majority of my time in S-6 has really allowed my heart to have a passion for children with special needs as well. Spencer gets a lot of credit for sparking that passion in my heart. He's the biggest inspiration to me.
So, as I continue to end my senior year with good days and bad days, I wanted to take some time to reflect and tell you guys about my blessing in disguise this year, Spencer. I hope one day all of your lives' are as touched as mine has been by Spencer. Now I understand why I had to come home from Uganda. I understand why God brought me back to Colorado for my senior year. My life has been dramatically transformed and Spencer is a huge reason as to why I know a little bit more about who I am becoming and my identity.
Here's to you, Spencer, my guy, thank you for making all my days bright. You are a glimpse of the joy in the heavens above. You are a sliver of hope from Jesus. You are incredible. I am so thankful for the opportunity to know you. You have helped me figure out who I want to be and where I want to go. I am so thankful for coming home from Uganda this past summer so that I could become so close with you. But I am even more thankful to go back to Uganda this coming summer and know when I come home, you will be here, happy&strong, kissing your muscles.
You inspire me to unconditionally love everyone.
Thanks Jesus, for making me step foot back into Colorado on July 21, 2015. You sure have rocked my world since then.
Sara
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Off to the Races
It is the 17th day of January 2016. I cannot tell you how surprised I am by this year so far. I was awaiting the new year to allow myself to change, that way it was like I had a fresh, clean slate to start out on. This meant, that I was going to become the person that I had fallen in love with at the end of the summer, but lost. However, a friend of mine, Macy Conant, called me on my 18th birthday after she had read my blog and told me that I was not going to ever be the same girl that I was when I came home from Uganda and RMR this past summer. She told me that I am a much stronger girl now and that even though I want to be that girl again, that girl, is not coming back. In a way, I loved the idea that I was much stronger than I was back in August, but I really did want that girl to come back at the same time.
With 17 days into the new year, I have done a lot of self-reflecting and realized a lot about myself. First semester, I was really set on this idea that I needed a boyfriend to be happy, or that I needed to look good for school everyday to be happy, or that I needed to be "popular" to be happy. Ultimately, I figured out that all of these things led me to a sense of false happiness, and I have realized that all of that really drained me to put a fake smile for everyone. However, I have learned that when you stop looking for joy, is when it starts to come. I wasn't okay with being sad. I wasn't okay with not being okay. I wasn't okay with crying. So I shoved my feelings aside and ignored what God was telling me to feel. All of this then led to me becoming extremely self-centered, with low self-confidence, and ultimately I began to hate myself. There would be days when I didn't think I was worth it, I didn't think I was wanted, and I didn't feel loved. But the only way that we can truly know that we are loved, is when we start to love ourselves. A lot of why I couldn't love myself was because I was so self-centered and I couldn't forgive myself. Eventually I did forgive myself, for everything wrong I did in 2015 and I was determined to make 2016 a better year for me than this past year was.
To my surprise, I have allowed myself to go out of my comfort zone this year and take risks and chances all for myself- something I was not willing to do first semester. No longer am I wanting a boyfriend, or to look good everyday, or to even be "popular". I am so content with life and where it is taking me, even though a lot of what this year holds is uncertain. But because I am taking risks and finally being the person that God has called me to be again, and listening to what He's telling me, I am much happier. I know for a fact that I was made to serve, because when I serve others, that is when I am at my happiest- that is when I feel like my life really matters. This year, for my birthday, I decided to use some Christmas money and make lunches for the homeless and hand them out with my mom and friend, Grace Engel, in downtown Denver. The whole day, there was such joy in my heart and I knew that this is the kind of happiness I wanted to feel, not the kind where I was plastering a fake smile on each morning.
Because of this choice to feed the homeless on my birthday, I felt like there was something bigger that would bring me joy on the day to day basis (since I couldn't feed them homeless everyday). Over winter break, I got the sweet opportunity to hang out with the best human being alive: Spencer Townshend. He's a senior and I helped him out in weight training class first semester. During winter break, Spencer and I went to see Star Wars together. I talk to his mom so much about him and his brother Tristan, and I love them all so dearly. Since our outing to Star Wars, I have felt like the Lord has called me to a place where I no longer waste my weekends in bed or hanging out with the crowd that I typically hang out with. I feel called to go out of my way to hang out with Spencer and a lot of the other kids on the Unified basketball team because they look at me and don't judge me. They love me for me and they see beyond the looks and mistakes that we all have. They choose to love me for who I am, not for what I do. So, this semester has allowed me to blossom into someone who would much rather hang out with kids who live in a world that is limited to peer interaction, than go to a party on Saturday night. As I have started spending more and more time with Spencer, I noticed that he is a huge reason for my joy and he is such a light in my life. I can sit here and say that he's one of my best friends and it's because he makes me laugh and smile. I am so happy around him. Spencer is awesome.
But because I am taking so many different chances in my life and going out of my comfort zone, I also felt this huge tug on my heart from the Lord telling me I am supposed to go back to Uganda this summer!!! I. AM. SO. EXCITED. This time, I will be going by myself, and I will be staying for a much longer time. I am nervous about being by myself and away from my support system for so long, I even wanted a friend to come with me, but every time doubt creeps in, my mom reminds me that when I go outside of my comfort zone, God works and grows me. This is exactly what I want, I want to grow and have the Lord work in me. I want Jesus to have all of me. And because I want Jesus to have all of me, I will do whatever it costs to have Him and Him have me. So if you are reading this and want to help me go back to Uganda this summer and have the Lord grow me, check out my GoFundMe account: https://www.gofundme.com/3nx2tfp8!
I no longer feel the need to impress others with my actions or justify my reasoning behind my choices because I understand why I had to lose the Lord in order to be like this again: joyful in the Lord's presence. I no longer hate myself, in fact, I love myself, and I love who I am becoming again. I love where God is taking me. And I am so ready to fall head over heels with Jesus. I am done believing that my worth comes from boys or looks or popularity, because that is a lie that most high school girls fall to. But, I am done believing that, and I am going to believe in the truth again: my worth comes from God and God alone. My joy comes from God and God alone. All that I have to offer is it's best when I have God.
There is so much more that I am anticipating in the year to come, but if it's anything like these past 17 days, I have faith that the Jubilee is coming/ is here.
I am living in joy.
S
With 17 days into the new year, I have done a lot of self-reflecting and realized a lot about myself. First semester, I was really set on this idea that I needed a boyfriend to be happy, or that I needed to look good for school everyday to be happy, or that I needed to be "popular" to be happy. Ultimately, I figured out that all of these things led me to a sense of false happiness, and I have realized that all of that really drained me to put a fake smile for everyone. However, I have learned that when you stop looking for joy, is when it starts to come. I wasn't okay with being sad. I wasn't okay with not being okay. I wasn't okay with crying. So I shoved my feelings aside and ignored what God was telling me to feel. All of this then led to me becoming extremely self-centered, with low self-confidence, and ultimately I began to hate myself. There would be days when I didn't think I was worth it, I didn't think I was wanted, and I didn't feel loved. But the only way that we can truly know that we are loved, is when we start to love ourselves. A lot of why I couldn't love myself was because I was so self-centered and I couldn't forgive myself. Eventually I did forgive myself, for everything wrong I did in 2015 and I was determined to make 2016 a better year for me than this past year was.
To my surprise, I have allowed myself to go out of my comfort zone this year and take risks and chances all for myself- something I was not willing to do first semester. No longer am I wanting a boyfriend, or to look good everyday, or to even be "popular". I am so content with life and where it is taking me, even though a lot of what this year holds is uncertain. But because I am taking risks and finally being the person that God has called me to be again, and listening to what He's telling me, I am much happier. I know for a fact that I was made to serve, because when I serve others, that is when I am at my happiest- that is when I feel like my life really matters. This year, for my birthday, I decided to use some Christmas money and make lunches for the homeless and hand them out with my mom and friend, Grace Engel, in downtown Denver. The whole day, there was such joy in my heart and I knew that this is the kind of happiness I wanted to feel, not the kind where I was plastering a fake smile on each morning.
Because of this choice to feed the homeless on my birthday, I felt like there was something bigger that would bring me joy on the day to day basis (since I couldn't feed them homeless everyday). Over winter break, I got the sweet opportunity to hang out with the best human being alive: Spencer Townshend. He's a senior and I helped him out in weight training class first semester. During winter break, Spencer and I went to see Star Wars together. I talk to his mom so much about him and his brother Tristan, and I love them all so dearly. Since our outing to Star Wars, I have felt like the Lord has called me to a place where I no longer waste my weekends in bed or hanging out with the crowd that I typically hang out with. I feel called to go out of my way to hang out with Spencer and a lot of the other kids on the Unified basketball team because they look at me and don't judge me. They love me for me and they see beyond the looks and mistakes that we all have. They choose to love me for who I am, not for what I do. So, this semester has allowed me to blossom into someone who would much rather hang out with kids who live in a world that is limited to peer interaction, than go to a party on Saturday night. As I have started spending more and more time with Spencer, I noticed that he is a huge reason for my joy and he is such a light in my life. I can sit here and say that he's one of my best friends and it's because he makes me laugh and smile. I am so happy around him. Spencer is awesome.
But because I am taking so many different chances in my life and going out of my comfort zone, I also felt this huge tug on my heart from the Lord telling me I am supposed to go back to Uganda this summer!!! I. AM. SO. EXCITED. This time, I will be going by myself, and I will be staying for a much longer time. I am nervous about being by myself and away from my support system for so long, I even wanted a friend to come with me, but every time doubt creeps in, my mom reminds me that when I go outside of my comfort zone, God works and grows me. This is exactly what I want, I want to grow and have the Lord work in me. I want Jesus to have all of me. And because I want Jesus to have all of me, I will do whatever it costs to have Him and Him have me. So if you are reading this and want to help me go back to Uganda this summer and have the Lord grow me, check out my GoFundMe account: https://www.gofundme.com/3nx2tfp8!
I no longer feel the need to impress others with my actions or justify my reasoning behind my choices because I understand why I had to lose the Lord in order to be like this again: joyful in the Lord's presence. I no longer hate myself, in fact, I love myself, and I love who I am becoming again. I love where God is taking me. And I am so ready to fall head over heels with Jesus. I am done believing that my worth comes from boys or looks or popularity, because that is a lie that most high school girls fall to. But, I am done believing that, and I am going to believe in the truth again: my worth comes from God and God alone. My joy comes from God and God alone. All that I have to offer is it's best when I have God.
There is so much more that I am anticipating in the year to come, but if it's anything like these past 17 days, I have faith that the Jubilee is coming/ is here.
I am living in joy.
S
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Rearview Mirror
"You'll just keep crashing if you never take your eyes off the rearview mirror."
-Leo Christopher
I thought that it would be fitting if I took sometime and reviewed my year. I went through old journals and I cried and laughed and smiled at the good, bad, and the ugly this year has brought me. It would be a lie if I claimed that this year was all bad, even though a majority of it has been. However, there have been these "aha" moments where I see the good in all the bad.
This year started off with me questioning so many things: my relationship, Wyldlife, friendships, family members... But I had no doubt in my mind about who God is. Somehow, I am ending the year still questioning friendships and family members, but I'm even questioning who God is. Or at least I was until this morning. My mom told me this morning that 2016 is a year of Jubilee, scripture says that this is a year where it will happen. Jubilee means that the Lord is going to bless us doubly in every aspect of life, and for me that means He's going to bless me doubly in joy- which is a really big thing for me right now. I spent most of first semester trying to get people to notice me and to please others. I wanted to be the girl that everyone liked- but I've really ended up being the girl that everyone finds to be fake and annoying. That was not my intention at the beginning of the year. At the beginning of senior year, I had this burning desire inside of me to leave Centennial because all I wanted was Jesus. I wanted everyone to know Jesus and I wanted everyone that I knew to know that I loved Jesus. I wanted everyone to know that I had just spent a month exploring Uganda and exploring Wyoming woods and exploring myself and in the midst of all of that, I explored the heart of Jesus. Somewhere along the way, I took a wrong turn to following Jesus and became self-centered, self-righteous, and very, very insecure. On the outside I felt like people saw that I was okay, that I had my life put together and that there was nothing bad going on inside of me. But on the inside, I was rotting. I was so stuck on looking in the rearview mirror at my past, that I simply could not look ahead of me. So I kept on crashing, which only made me want to hide my hurts even more. The rotting inside of me became very bad and I had felt like giving up. I felt like everything that happened this summer was for no reason. I hated that I had been romanced by Jesus the whole summer and then this year I completely ditched Him. Looking back on this year in review, has made me understand why some things had to happen and why I was the way that I was.
I became self-centered and self-righteous because I thought that it was much easier to receive attention from boys that way. I thought that if I put more effort into what I looked like and how I acted, boys would like me better. I compromised some of what I believe in for stupid boys to look at me and want me and want to be with me. I now realize, boys don't like that really- or they do, they just don't like it on me. And that's okay, because becoming someone who needed a boy's attention to feel okay at the end of the day is not what God desired when He gave woman as a gift to man and vice versa. I've learned that before another boy or anyone else ever can love me, I have to love myself as I am; mistakes and all. I have to love myself the way God loves me before I am confident enough that I no longer compromise what I believe in. Truth that I have heard a lot recently is: I don't need man's approval. I need God's approval. I don't need man's love. I need God's love. Being independent is a powerful thing. And being single, is common, but it doesn't mean I'm loved any less. So yeah, call me crazy, but I'm no longer going to throw myself at boys or change for boys or compromise what I believe in just so that I can be admired for one night. I'm going to hold out for someone who admires me for my heart and my dreams and supports me in all that I want for my life. I'm going to hold out for someone who I can talk about Jesus with for hours on end. I'm going to hold out for someone who sees past all my flaws and crazy moments and stupid fights and choses to love me still. I'm going to hold out for someone who wants all of me and not just some of me. I'm going to hold out for the man who loves Jesus more than he will ever be able to love me. And you know what? It all seems worth it.
Because I was throwing myself at every boy I saw, and then being rejected time and time again, it made me think that I wasn't good enough- that I was never going to be loved again because of my past mistakes. I kept telling myself that there was something wrong with me; I wasn't pretty enough, I was too weird, I wasn't smart enough, I was too prude, I loved Jesus. I came up with all these self-made lies to comfort myself as I was being rejected. Ultimately, all of those lies that I have begun to believe, have sent me into a depression where I feel like I'm good enough for no one. Which is such a lie. I became insecure and I didn't think that I would ever be able to love myself as much I did when I came home from RMR this summer. But in the midst of all these lies, some of my really good guy friends have called me out on my crap and told me that I need to start loving myself more.
I may be ending 2015 without a kiss at midnight, or even having the best plans, but I do believe that it's all a setup for me to have the best 2016 ever. And I will be blessed doubly with joy by God. Friends, REJOICE and look forward. Don't look back and keep crashing. Look forward and enjoy the now moments, because in a few short months, we will all be off on our own adventures, experiencing life outside of high school walls. Make New Years' resolutions and actually DO them!
I remember a year ago on this evening, I sat at Sam's dinner table with the rest of his family and we went around asking each other what our New Year's resolution is. Sam told everyone that mine was Africa, and he was so right, even though I hate to admit that. Africa was everything I had hoped and dreamed for and I finally went to the place where my heart longed for. Africa was the best thing that ever happened to me in 2015, even though I came home with a lot of let downs. But it taught me so much about who I am. Thinking about it now, I am so excited to go back again this summer, God willing of course. But man oh man, I am excited for what God has in store for me this coming year. I won't be sitting at the Cofield's table this evening eating dinner with them saying my New Year's resolution, but I will be eating dinner with my friends telling them my resolutions and my hopes for this year, and I am so excited.
I am so excited to become the Sara that I was when I first came home from RMR this summer, if not even better. I am so excited to be a more positive, loving, encouraging, understanding person. I am so excited to fall in love with Jesus and have no regrets of doing His will. So here's to not looking at my rearview mirror anymore, and looking straight ahead at what 2016 will bring me!
Patiently awaiting the year of Jubilee
Sara
-Leo Christopher
I thought that it would be fitting if I took sometime and reviewed my year. I went through old journals and I cried and laughed and smiled at the good, bad, and the ugly this year has brought me. It would be a lie if I claimed that this year was all bad, even though a majority of it has been. However, there have been these "aha" moments where I see the good in all the bad.
This year started off with me questioning so many things: my relationship, Wyldlife, friendships, family members... But I had no doubt in my mind about who God is. Somehow, I am ending the year still questioning friendships and family members, but I'm even questioning who God is. Or at least I was until this morning. My mom told me this morning that 2016 is a year of Jubilee, scripture says that this is a year where it will happen. Jubilee means that the Lord is going to bless us doubly in every aspect of life, and for me that means He's going to bless me doubly in joy- which is a really big thing for me right now. I spent most of first semester trying to get people to notice me and to please others. I wanted to be the girl that everyone liked- but I've really ended up being the girl that everyone finds to be fake and annoying. That was not my intention at the beginning of the year. At the beginning of senior year, I had this burning desire inside of me to leave Centennial because all I wanted was Jesus. I wanted everyone to know Jesus and I wanted everyone that I knew to know that I loved Jesus. I wanted everyone to know that I had just spent a month exploring Uganda and exploring Wyoming woods and exploring myself and in the midst of all of that, I explored the heart of Jesus. Somewhere along the way, I took a wrong turn to following Jesus and became self-centered, self-righteous, and very, very insecure. On the outside I felt like people saw that I was okay, that I had my life put together and that there was nothing bad going on inside of me. But on the inside, I was rotting. I was so stuck on looking in the rearview mirror at my past, that I simply could not look ahead of me. So I kept on crashing, which only made me want to hide my hurts even more. The rotting inside of me became very bad and I had felt like giving up. I felt like everything that happened this summer was for no reason. I hated that I had been romanced by Jesus the whole summer and then this year I completely ditched Him. Looking back on this year in review, has made me understand why some things had to happen and why I was the way that I was.
I became self-centered and self-righteous because I thought that it was much easier to receive attention from boys that way. I thought that if I put more effort into what I looked like and how I acted, boys would like me better. I compromised some of what I believe in for stupid boys to look at me and want me and want to be with me. I now realize, boys don't like that really- or they do, they just don't like it on me. And that's okay, because becoming someone who needed a boy's attention to feel okay at the end of the day is not what God desired when He gave woman as a gift to man and vice versa. I've learned that before another boy or anyone else ever can love me, I have to love myself as I am; mistakes and all. I have to love myself the way God loves me before I am confident enough that I no longer compromise what I believe in. Truth that I have heard a lot recently is: I don't need man's approval. I need God's approval. I don't need man's love. I need God's love. Being independent is a powerful thing. And being single, is common, but it doesn't mean I'm loved any less. So yeah, call me crazy, but I'm no longer going to throw myself at boys or change for boys or compromise what I believe in just so that I can be admired for one night. I'm going to hold out for someone who admires me for my heart and my dreams and supports me in all that I want for my life. I'm going to hold out for someone who I can talk about Jesus with for hours on end. I'm going to hold out for someone who sees past all my flaws and crazy moments and stupid fights and choses to love me still. I'm going to hold out for someone who wants all of me and not just some of me. I'm going to hold out for the man who loves Jesus more than he will ever be able to love me. And you know what? It all seems worth it.
Because I was throwing myself at every boy I saw, and then being rejected time and time again, it made me think that I wasn't good enough- that I was never going to be loved again because of my past mistakes. I kept telling myself that there was something wrong with me; I wasn't pretty enough, I was too weird, I wasn't smart enough, I was too prude, I loved Jesus. I came up with all these self-made lies to comfort myself as I was being rejected. Ultimately, all of those lies that I have begun to believe, have sent me into a depression where I feel like I'm good enough for no one. Which is such a lie. I became insecure and I didn't think that I would ever be able to love myself as much I did when I came home from RMR this summer. But in the midst of all these lies, some of my really good guy friends have called me out on my crap and told me that I need to start loving myself more.
I may be ending 2015 without a kiss at midnight, or even having the best plans, but I do believe that it's all a setup for me to have the best 2016 ever. And I will be blessed doubly with joy by God. Friends, REJOICE and look forward. Don't look back and keep crashing. Look forward and enjoy the now moments, because in a few short months, we will all be off on our own adventures, experiencing life outside of high school walls. Make New Years' resolutions and actually DO them!
I remember a year ago on this evening, I sat at Sam's dinner table with the rest of his family and we went around asking each other what our New Year's resolution is. Sam told everyone that mine was Africa, and he was so right, even though I hate to admit that. Africa was everything I had hoped and dreamed for and I finally went to the place where my heart longed for. Africa was the best thing that ever happened to me in 2015, even though I came home with a lot of let downs. But it taught me so much about who I am. Thinking about it now, I am so excited to go back again this summer, God willing of course. But man oh man, I am excited for what God has in store for me this coming year. I won't be sitting at the Cofield's table this evening eating dinner with them saying my New Year's resolution, but I will be eating dinner with my friends telling them my resolutions and my hopes for this year, and I am so excited.
I am so excited to become the Sara that I was when I first came home from RMR this summer, if not even better. I am so excited to be a more positive, loving, encouraging, understanding person. I am so excited to fall in love with Jesus and have no regrets of doing His will. So here's to not looking at my rearview mirror anymore, and looking straight ahead at what 2016 will bring me!
Patiently awaiting the year of Jubilee
Sara
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Everyday Victories
When I first started this blog, I thought I would be using it mainly during sophomore year, describing all these wonderful moments that I was experiencing with the Lord. However, that was not what the Lord wanted for me. I remember the reason why I started this blog, so that others could see that our Father is real and He is good and He is setting hearts free. When started this blog, I had just experienced true freedom in the Lord. He had redeemed my scared and traumatized heart and had brought me back to safety. I thought that once you experienced freedom in the Lord once, that you would always be free, that this type of freedom in Papa was one grand moment with Him that sky-rocketed your relationship with Him for the rest of your life.
I was wrong. Yes, in February/March of my sophomore year, the Lord did set me free. He allowed me to experience life in a way that I never had before and it was incredible. But as time went on, I became bonded and chained to temptations and lies again, this time they were different. I was believing that I had no worth in this world. I was believing that I was not beautiful, even in God's eyes. As soon as I proclaimed these things over my life, I really began to believe them and take them as truth. But, they are not truth, rather they are lies. This past summer, I began to realize that when you believe something for so long, and someone tells you differently, it really affects that person as well. I was constantly being told that I was beautiful, but I never believed it because I never loved myself. Junior year was spent working out all the time to make sure that I looked skinny, or had the right summer body. There were nights where I thought to myself, "if only this part of myself was smaller, then, maybe, I would be more accepted." This is such a sad reality that our world often gets caught up in: "if I do blank, then, blank will love me more." But that is such crap. It's lies that the enemy has sugar coated with some parts of truth to make us think that we really do need to change things. Here's the cold hard truth that I have learned: no body type is ever going to be the same as my best friend's or even my mom's. I was fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God and He wants me to love me for who I am and who He says I am. No matter how many times I tried to wish away a certain part of my body, or wish that it was smaller, I realized that it was still going to be there the next day, so I better get comfortable with it because it's not going away anytime soon. This summer, my self hate and lack of self-confidence hit an all time low, which ultimately drove people away from me. Being negative was not who I had become. But, while I was away for a month, away from social media shoving skinny models down my throat, I realized that I am beautiful. I realized that I had to love myself before I could ever love someone else. Which was a hard truth for me to realize because all I wanted to do was throw love at everyone I came into contact with. When I had begun to really believe that I was beautiful, it was such a game changer. It made me want to be a better person and I felt as if this weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Freedom reigned over my heart.
But it's not even the moments where I sit in my room and cry because God has done this amazing miracle of redeeming my heart. It's moments in everyday life where we begin to truly and simply bask in the glory and goodness of the Lord that we find freedom and joy in most everything. This year, I have learned that God is constantly setting me free. He is constantly defeating lies the enemy has told me. He is allowing me to say no to temptation and really live out what He's calling me to. I think there is this huge emphasis that freedom can only happen once in our life, and then for the rest of our life we are supposed to remember that freedom. But I believe different. I believe that God allows us to experience new, big freedoms with Him, that fill us up, and allow us to go into everyday life remembering and clinging to that freedom He's given us. Freedom is a daily thing, it's taking up our own crosses and meeting our best friend at His feet and asking for His grace and joy and mercy. Freedom is choosing to believe in the truth that our hearts know versus believing in the lies that society is telling us to be.
While I was in Uganda, I learned that there was something so freeing about giving up control. I had little to no control over what I was going to do the next day, and how I was going to get there. I remember sitting in a taxi jam-packed with 15-20 people in it (something that is very illegal in Uganda), and knowing the taxi driver was going to speed up really fast, break really hard, go over the speed bump, pull over to the side, unload and load people, and then get back on the road as fast as possible. Sometimes, they would be so reckless with their driving, that they wouldn't really swerve when a Boda-Boda (motorcycle) was two inches away from the car. It seemed insane that Kampala could be so busy and so reckless with their driving, but have it work for them. Each time I got into the car full of people, I knew that I had to just trust that God was going to get me from point A to point B safely because of how crazy and chaotic the roads were. There were no driving laws really and you could literally pass a car you were behind while going straight into head on traffic. It's so dangerous, but became something very soothing for me near the end of my time there. While this was such a small thing for me to give up control over, it was freeing to know that whatever happened, the Lord was protecting my safety. Ultimately, this giving up of control in my life in a taxi, led to me giving up a lot of control over other things as well. Before, I left for Uganda, I was very confused as to what was going to happen when I came home, or even before I left. Life was one big puzzle, and I had no pieces. So, as I hopped on my plane to Uganda and home from Uganda, I simply asked the Lord to do His will in my life, knowing that my heart was willing to do whatever God called me to do- no matter how much it hurt. But in the midst of constantly telling the Lord to do His will in my life, I forgot that God gives us choices. Because if we didn't get choice, it would never really be a relationship with God since He died for us to have free will. God wants us to freely and joyfully choose relationship with Him, He never wants anyone to feel like God is being forced on them.
I think somewhere along the way this year, I forgot to ask the Lord to do His will in my life, and just decided to choose. This isn't a bad thing, but there would be some days where I knew that my choices weren't going to lead me back to God's will for my life. A few weeks ago, I had coffee with one of the most amazing people ever. Her name is Chelsea and she spoke mad truth into my heart. It's no lie that I have been on the fence about taking a gap year and going to college next year. I knew that when the time came, I would have peace about what I was supposed to do. Chelsea allowed me to process both of my options with new insight, and made me realize that there is two types of freedom, and that I need to choose whichever place offered me more freedom in the Lord. So, I took a look at my two options: CSU and Uganda. If I go to CSU, I will basically know my friend group up there because of Younglife and my community would be super awesome and it would be so good for me to be there. That sounds like every Younglifer's dream- being comfortable. But it's not mine. If I take a gap year and go to Uganda, I would be going against cultural norms and I would really be uncomfortable. Key word: uncomfortable. For so long, I have been put in this box by my classmates and teachers and parents and friends where "I love Jesus and I love Younglife and I hang out with middle schoolers, and I do the right thing and my instagram is filled with bible verses and I am very loud". That's who I have been defined as, and I feel like that's who everyone knows me at CSU as. I'm tired of living in that box, I am tired of being so comfortable that I'm just "okay". I'm tired of being around the same people that I've known my whole life or for four years. I'm tired of being the person everyone expects me to be. I'm tired of being predictable. People know who I am, when I can't even seem to piece together a sentence to explain who I am. I am lost, and I am searching for answers. I am searching to be lost and to be uncomfortable. I am searching to do the Lord's will, even if it means making hard choices. I am searching to be completely free in the Lord, and I feel like Uganda is where I can go and be free in His love and find myself in the midst of breaking out of my box and being uncomfortable. Chelsea reminded me that whatever path I choose, God will correct me if I'm wrong and lead me back to the path of the ultimate goal He has in mind for me.
Right now, in this moment, I feel a huge tug on my heart to go to Uganda and be there and be uncomfortable with myself, but become comfortable in God's glory. Regardless of what happens, I know that the Lord will give me discernment on what He's truly calling me to. I've just got to stop trying to control my life and be my own God. I've got to sit down in the taxi and know that God is going to get me from point A to point B safely, no matter how long it takes, and no matter how many pit stops it takes, I'll get there one day. And I find something so freeing in giving up control of the little things, but also the big things.
Freedom is not found once, it's found in everyday victories and in moments where we peak a mountain. Freedom cannot be tamed. Freedom is calling.
Sar
I was wrong. Yes, in February/March of my sophomore year, the Lord did set me free. He allowed me to experience life in a way that I never had before and it was incredible. But as time went on, I became bonded and chained to temptations and lies again, this time they were different. I was believing that I had no worth in this world. I was believing that I was not beautiful, even in God's eyes. As soon as I proclaimed these things over my life, I really began to believe them and take them as truth. But, they are not truth, rather they are lies. This past summer, I began to realize that when you believe something for so long, and someone tells you differently, it really affects that person as well. I was constantly being told that I was beautiful, but I never believed it because I never loved myself. Junior year was spent working out all the time to make sure that I looked skinny, or had the right summer body. There were nights where I thought to myself, "if only this part of myself was smaller, then, maybe, I would be more accepted." This is such a sad reality that our world often gets caught up in: "if I do blank, then, blank will love me more." But that is such crap. It's lies that the enemy has sugar coated with some parts of truth to make us think that we really do need to change things. Here's the cold hard truth that I have learned: no body type is ever going to be the same as my best friend's or even my mom's. I was fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God and He wants me to love me for who I am and who He says I am. No matter how many times I tried to wish away a certain part of my body, or wish that it was smaller, I realized that it was still going to be there the next day, so I better get comfortable with it because it's not going away anytime soon. This summer, my self hate and lack of self-confidence hit an all time low, which ultimately drove people away from me. Being negative was not who I had become. But, while I was away for a month, away from social media shoving skinny models down my throat, I realized that I am beautiful. I realized that I had to love myself before I could ever love someone else. Which was a hard truth for me to realize because all I wanted to do was throw love at everyone I came into contact with. When I had begun to really believe that I was beautiful, it was such a game changer. It made me want to be a better person and I felt as if this weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Freedom reigned over my heart.
But it's not even the moments where I sit in my room and cry because God has done this amazing miracle of redeeming my heart. It's moments in everyday life where we begin to truly and simply bask in the glory and goodness of the Lord that we find freedom and joy in most everything. This year, I have learned that God is constantly setting me free. He is constantly defeating lies the enemy has told me. He is allowing me to say no to temptation and really live out what He's calling me to. I think there is this huge emphasis that freedom can only happen once in our life, and then for the rest of our life we are supposed to remember that freedom. But I believe different. I believe that God allows us to experience new, big freedoms with Him, that fill us up, and allow us to go into everyday life remembering and clinging to that freedom He's given us. Freedom is a daily thing, it's taking up our own crosses and meeting our best friend at His feet and asking for His grace and joy and mercy. Freedom is choosing to believe in the truth that our hearts know versus believing in the lies that society is telling us to be.
While I was in Uganda, I learned that there was something so freeing about giving up control. I had little to no control over what I was going to do the next day, and how I was going to get there. I remember sitting in a taxi jam-packed with 15-20 people in it (something that is very illegal in Uganda), and knowing the taxi driver was going to speed up really fast, break really hard, go over the speed bump, pull over to the side, unload and load people, and then get back on the road as fast as possible. Sometimes, they would be so reckless with their driving, that they wouldn't really swerve when a Boda-Boda (motorcycle) was two inches away from the car. It seemed insane that Kampala could be so busy and so reckless with their driving, but have it work for them. Each time I got into the car full of people, I knew that I had to just trust that God was going to get me from point A to point B safely because of how crazy and chaotic the roads were. There were no driving laws really and you could literally pass a car you were behind while going straight into head on traffic. It's so dangerous, but became something very soothing for me near the end of my time there. While this was such a small thing for me to give up control over, it was freeing to know that whatever happened, the Lord was protecting my safety. Ultimately, this giving up of control in my life in a taxi, led to me giving up a lot of control over other things as well. Before, I left for Uganda, I was very confused as to what was going to happen when I came home, or even before I left. Life was one big puzzle, and I had no pieces. So, as I hopped on my plane to Uganda and home from Uganda, I simply asked the Lord to do His will in my life, knowing that my heart was willing to do whatever God called me to do- no matter how much it hurt. But in the midst of constantly telling the Lord to do His will in my life, I forgot that God gives us choices. Because if we didn't get choice, it would never really be a relationship with God since He died for us to have free will. God wants us to freely and joyfully choose relationship with Him, He never wants anyone to feel like God is being forced on them.
I think somewhere along the way this year, I forgot to ask the Lord to do His will in my life, and just decided to choose. This isn't a bad thing, but there would be some days where I knew that my choices weren't going to lead me back to God's will for my life. A few weeks ago, I had coffee with one of the most amazing people ever. Her name is Chelsea and she spoke mad truth into my heart. It's no lie that I have been on the fence about taking a gap year and going to college next year. I knew that when the time came, I would have peace about what I was supposed to do. Chelsea allowed me to process both of my options with new insight, and made me realize that there is two types of freedom, and that I need to choose whichever place offered me more freedom in the Lord. So, I took a look at my two options: CSU and Uganda. If I go to CSU, I will basically know my friend group up there because of Younglife and my community would be super awesome and it would be so good for me to be there. That sounds like every Younglifer's dream- being comfortable. But it's not mine. If I take a gap year and go to Uganda, I would be going against cultural norms and I would really be uncomfortable. Key word: uncomfortable. For so long, I have been put in this box by my classmates and teachers and parents and friends where "I love Jesus and I love Younglife and I hang out with middle schoolers, and I do the right thing and my instagram is filled with bible verses and I am very loud". That's who I have been defined as, and I feel like that's who everyone knows me at CSU as. I'm tired of living in that box, I am tired of being so comfortable that I'm just "okay". I'm tired of being around the same people that I've known my whole life or for four years. I'm tired of being the person everyone expects me to be. I'm tired of being predictable. People know who I am, when I can't even seem to piece together a sentence to explain who I am. I am lost, and I am searching for answers. I am searching to be lost and to be uncomfortable. I am searching to do the Lord's will, even if it means making hard choices. I am searching to be completely free in the Lord, and I feel like Uganda is where I can go and be free in His love and find myself in the midst of breaking out of my box and being uncomfortable. Chelsea reminded me that whatever path I choose, God will correct me if I'm wrong and lead me back to the path of the ultimate goal He has in mind for me.
Right now, in this moment, I feel a huge tug on my heart to go to Uganda and be there and be uncomfortable with myself, but become comfortable in God's glory. Regardless of what happens, I know that the Lord will give me discernment on what He's truly calling me to. I've just got to stop trying to control my life and be my own God. I've got to sit down in the taxi and know that God is going to get me from point A to point B safely, no matter how long it takes, and no matter how many pit stops it takes, I'll get there one day. And I find something so freeing in giving up control of the little things, but also the big things.
Freedom is not found once, it's found in everyday victories and in moments where we peak a mountain. Freedom cannot be tamed. Freedom is calling.
Sar
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Blurred Vision
Senior year has been a year where my life has been consumed with social gatherings and sporting events and never being home. I have been avoiding the loneliness that the enemy wants me to feel, but when I do this, I am also avoiding the Lord. When I came home this summer, I had really changed. Uganda was amazing and I had found so much contentment in my heart for what God was calling me to. However, as senior year began, my mind became very clouded and temptations were and still are constantly being thrown in my face. The very source of my hurt was looking straight at me in the hallways, staring me down. I have let so much of my self pity and worldliness influence what I thought about my life, and I never had time to really figure out what happened in Uganda.
I only applied to CSU because I feel like CSU or either Uganda is where the Lord wants to place me in the next year. I have been accepted into CSU, and for a while now, I have felt like that is where I am being called to. However, this week, my Younglife leader, Elise, challenged me and asked me if I had really given this desire to be at CSU to Him and if that was His plan for my life. Honestly, I feel like I had really given it all up to the Lord and that He was calling me to CSU- I mean, I already know what I want to do with my life and I just want to get college done and over with so that I can earn my degree and then peace out of America. Yet, there is something in my heart that keeps telling me to not shut the door to Uganda next year just yet.
The past few days have been so life giving, because I have finally heard the Father's voice again, and I have been obeying and going out of my way to give to others and not focus on myself as much. In the midst of this joy that I have found here, in Littleton, I have been reminded of the joy and love and freedom that I experienced in Uganda. This reminder is so constant lately and all I want to do is buy a one way plane ticket to Uganda for tomorrow and just up and leave without any notice. My heart aches and longs to be back home, but there is such a good reason that I am in Littleton.
In all honesty, since I have returned home from Uganda, I have faked a lot of my happiness just so that other people would think I am okay and that I have m life all put together. Truth is, I don't. I'm not even remotely close to having my life completely put together - and that's okay. I think I felt this pressure to be okay because of how joyful and full I felt in Uganda and on backpacking. Somewhere along the way this year, my mind became consumed with thinking I needed a boyfriend again, and that I needed everyone to like me. But those are all lies that I have been believing because I am insecure in my own pain and they bring me comfort. Tonight, I was reading through my journal from Africa, and I came across this quote, it's from my favorite book, The Shack: "There are millions of reasons to allow pain and hurt and suffering rather than to eradicate them, but most of those reasons can be understood only within each person's story. I am not evil. You are the ones who embrace fear and pain and power and rights so readily in your relationships. But your choices are also not stronger than my purposes, and I will use every choice you make for the ultimate good and most loving outcome. Broken humans center their lives around things that seem good to them but will neither fill them nor free them. They are addicted to power, or the illusion of security that power offers. When a disaster happens, those same people will turn against the false powers they trusted. In their disappointment, either they become softened towards Me or the become bolder in their independence." This is truth that I had found during my time in Uganda, and I had felt such a sense of relief when I felt that. I felt like I had really begun to trust the Lord and look to Him instead of looking towards the false powers of this world. Let me tell ya, when I came home, everything changed and I began trusting the false powers that really brought me worldly security. Looking back on everything that has happened though, it is such a blessing I spent three weeks in Uganda with the Lord this summer, because that is where I left my fully broken heart, and finally began to mend. Senior year has been a test that I have been failing honestly. I have taken my focus off of the Lord and I have put it on my friends and on boys and on figuring out everything between Sam and I. But it was brought to my attention, that when I focus on the Lord first, I am going to be okay in the end, and my days will be so much better, no matter what happens with the ways of the world.
This year, I have identified so much with being broken with, I have taken the view of the victim and I have allowed the enemy to terrorize me for far too long. But it's time to stop throwing myself a pity party, pick up the broken pieces, and move on with life. Life is worth living and I don't have it that bad. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that I had drowned in self pity for so long, when I had just visited a country where kids were thankful if they got to eat posho for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Like honestly, how annoying is it that my mind completely changed back to such a first world view so fast? But I think in the midst of throwing myself a pity party, it was the enemy's way of pulling me closer to lies and him more than it brought me closer to the Lord. Another quote from The Shack talks about it: "Life hurt you. Lies are one of the easiest places for survivors to run. They give you a sense of safety, a place where you have to depend on only yourself. But it's a dark place, isn't it? Lies are a little fortress: inside them you can feel safe and powerful. Through your little fortress of lies you try to run your life and manipulate others. But the fortress needs walls, so you build some. These are the justifications for your lies. You know, like you are doing this to protect someone you love, to keep them from feeling the pain. Whatever works, just so you feel okay about the lies." This has hit me hard in the last hour. I am done telling and believing lies about my life and about others because that is not where real safety comes from. My real safety is going to come from hiding my heart in my First Love.
Day to day life is hard, but that's why the Lord allows us to experience Him in huge ways at certain points in our life so we don't give up or lose hope in Him. For me, it has been so hard to even want God because of how miserable I have been feeling. Honestly though, I know without a doubt I need the Lord more than ever right now, and instead of going to soccer games or hanging out with my friends all the time, I know I need to start taking time to be with the Lord.
In the past few days, I have started to do that again. And it has been so refreshing for my soul. I have come to the conclusion that it is so much harder for me to see and taste and hear my Daddy in Littleton than it was for me in Uganda, because I have so many distractions in my life. I have realized that I was so happy in Uganda because I was not worried about what Sam was doing or about what fun Kaley and Katie were having without me. I was completely M.I.A. and my heart is dying to go M.I.A. again. Knowing that I am better off without social media, or the ways of #firstworldproblems, is comforting because it shows me that I really do desire to be back at my home.
For so long this year, I thought for sure that something big was going to happen to me, that I would have this moment where the Lord finally gave me the greatness He promised me this summer, and maybe it's still coming, but I have not experienced it yet. But because of this, I know for a fact, that my heart is halfway around the world. I know exactly where I left it too, I left it at the front gate of the kids house. My heart misses sweet Tuse and Janat and Favor and Lez and Ikiam and Meddie and Tracy and Mark, but I cling to the thought that someday, whether it is here or in heaven, I will be reunited with those dark faces and white eyes. When that moment comes, I will weep tears of wondrous joy because those children stole my heart and kept it with them.
Senior year has blind sided me, in so many good ways, but also some bad. And while my heart is finally recovering, I know where it truly belongs: halfway around the world in Kampala, Uganda. So with that said, I have no idea where the Lord wants me to be next year or even this summer, but I am confident that I will be perfectly fine as long as I have my First Love by my side.
Wherever I am in this world, as long as I have God, I am Home.
Sara
I only applied to CSU because I feel like CSU or either Uganda is where the Lord wants to place me in the next year. I have been accepted into CSU, and for a while now, I have felt like that is where I am being called to. However, this week, my Younglife leader, Elise, challenged me and asked me if I had really given this desire to be at CSU to Him and if that was His plan for my life. Honestly, I feel like I had really given it all up to the Lord and that He was calling me to CSU- I mean, I already know what I want to do with my life and I just want to get college done and over with so that I can earn my degree and then peace out of America. Yet, there is something in my heart that keeps telling me to not shut the door to Uganda next year just yet.
The past few days have been so life giving, because I have finally heard the Father's voice again, and I have been obeying and going out of my way to give to others and not focus on myself as much. In the midst of this joy that I have found here, in Littleton, I have been reminded of the joy and love and freedom that I experienced in Uganda. This reminder is so constant lately and all I want to do is buy a one way plane ticket to Uganda for tomorrow and just up and leave without any notice. My heart aches and longs to be back home, but there is such a good reason that I am in Littleton.
In all honesty, since I have returned home from Uganda, I have faked a lot of my happiness just so that other people would think I am okay and that I have m life all put together. Truth is, I don't. I'm not even remotely close to having my life completely put together - and that's okay. I think I felt this pressure to be okay because of how joyful and full I felt in Uganda and on backpacking. Somewhere along the way this year, my mind became consumed with thinking I needed a boyfriend again, and that I needed everyone to like me. But those are all lies that I have been believing because I am insecure in my own pain and they bring me comfort. Tonight, I was reading through my journal from Africa, and I came across this quote, it's from my favorite book, The Shack: "There are millions of reasons to allow pain and hurt and suffering rather than to eradicate them, but most of those reasons can be understood only within each person's story. I am not evil. You are the ones who embrace fear and pain and power and rights so readily in your relationships. But your choices are also not stronger than my purposes, and I will use every choice you make for the ultimate good and most loving outcome. Broken humans center their lives around things that seem good to them but will neither fill them nor free them. They are addicted to power, or the illusion of security that power offers. When a disaster happens, those same people will turn against the false powers they trusted. In their disappointment, either they become softened towards Me or the become bolder in their independence." This is truth that I had found during my time in Uganda, and I had felt such a sense of relief when I felt that. I felt like I had really begun to trust the Lord and look to Him instead of looking towards the false powers of this world. Let me tell ya, when I came home, everything changed and I began trusting the false powers that really brought me worldly security. Looking back on everything that has happened though, it is such a blessing I spent three weeks in Uganda with the Lord this summer, because that is where I left my fully broken heart, and finally began to mend. Senior year has been a test that I have been failing honestly. I have taken my focus off of the Lord and I have put it on my friends and on boys and on figuring out everything between Sam and I. But it was brought to my attention, that when I focus on the Lord first, I am going to be okay in the end, and my days will be so much better, no matter what happens with the ways of the world.
This year, I have identified so much with being broken with, I have taken the view of the victim and I have allowed the enemy to terrorize me for far too long. But it's time to stop throwing myself a pity party, pick up the broken pieces, and move on with life. Life is worth living and I don't have it that bad. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that I had drowned in self pity for so long, when I had just visited a country where kids were thankful if they got to eat posho for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Like honestly, how annoying is it that my mind completely changed back to such a first world view so fast? But I think in the midst of throwing myself a pity party, it was the enemy's way of pulling me closer to lies and him more than it brought me closer to the Lord. Another quote from The Shack talks about it: "Life hurt you. Lies are one of the easiest places for survivors to run. They give you a sense of safety, a place where you have to depend on only yourself. But it's a dark place, isn't it? Lies are a little fortress: inside them you can feel safe and powerful. Through your little fortress of lies you try to run your life and manipulate others. But the fortress needs walls, so you build some. These are the justifications for your lies. You know, like you are doing this to protect someone you love, to keep them from feeling the pain. Whatever works, just so you feel okay about the lies." This has hit me hard in the last hour. I am done telling and believing lies about my life and about others because that is not where real safety comes from. My real safety is going to come from hiding my heart in my First Love.
Day to day life is hard, but that's why the Lord allows us to experience Him in huge ways at certain points in our life so we don't give up or lose hope in Him. For me, it has been so hard to even want God because of how miserable I have been feeling. Honestly though, I know without a doubt I need the Lord more than ever right now, and instead of going to soccer games or hanging out with my friends all the time, I know I need to start taking time to be with the Lord.
In the past few days, I have started to do that again. And it has been so refreshing for my soul. I have come to the conclusion that it is so much harder for me to see and taste and hear my Daddy in Littleton than it was for me in Uganda, because I have so many distractions in my life. I have realized that I was so happy in Uganda because I was not worried about what Sam was doing or about what fun Kaley and Katie were having without me. I was completely M.I.A. and my heart is dying to go M.I.A. again. Knowing that I am better off without social media, or the ways of #firstworldproblems, is comforting because it shows me that I really do desire to be back at my home.
For so long this year, I thought for sure that something big was going to happen to me, that I would have this moment where the Lord finally gave me the greatness He promised me this summer, and maybe it's still coming, but I have not experienced it yet. But because of this, I know for a fact, that my heart is halfway around the world. I know exactly where I left it too, I left it at the front gate of the kids house. My heart misses sweet Tuse and Janat and Favor and Lez and Ikiam and Meddie and Tracy and Mark, but I cling to the thought that someday, whether it is here or in heaven, I will be reunited with those dark faces and white eyes. When that moment comes, I will weep tears of wondrous joy because those children stole my heart and kept it with them.
Senior year has blind sided me, in so many good ways, but also some bad. And while my heart is finally recovering, I know where it truly belongs: halfway around the world in Kampala, Uganda. So with that said, I have no idea where the Lord wants me to be next year or even this summer, but I am confident that I will be perfectly fine as long as I have my First Love by my side.
Wherever I am in this world, as long as I have God, I am Home.
Sara
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Blessed, but Stressed
Senior year has become this bittersweet time where I want to move on with my life, but I don't want to be done just yet. However, on days, and weeks like this one, my heart longs to be so far away from Littleton and I'm really okay with that.
High school is four years of a long life, and at the end of the day, no one really idolizes who they were in high school. But right now, it seems like it's the end of the world if I don't have a homecoming date, or if a friend gossips about me, or if I end up eating lunch alone. It's not though, and my head has become so consumed with the idea that high school is forever.
Ever since I was a little girl, I looked forward to and have dreamed about my senior year. I for sure thought my life would be like "A Cinderella Story", where I end up dating the quarterback on the football team and we go off to college together. I thought that I would have the best friend group in the world, and that we would be "popular". And I thought that I would end up applying to numerous prestigious colleges.
It's funny how God comes in and completely wrecks every plan we have. Even coming into senior year with the circumstances that I did, I put deadlines on everything on my life, and if it didn't happen by that day, I would just give up and move on. How silly is that? However, I have learned that I am not a person that likes to give up- on anything. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I give a million second chances. I refuse to see the bad in anyone or in any situation. Senior year has hands down been one of the loneliest years of my life. I was so used to being adored and loved on, that I don't know how to actually let people be nice to me or hug me. I hate hugging people now, which is sad because I want to love people so intentionally. Regardless of who I am now, I know that the Lord has some crazy plan for me and I just have to trust Him and follow Him into the storm and out into the light.
No matter how lonely I am though, the Lord is constantly reminding me that I am worthy and I am loved and I belong here right now. He has blessed with amazing best friends this year who genuinely care about me and encourage me to seek God in all that I'm doing. I don't think I've ever had such a strong group of friends who are so loving and free and silly, and it makes me a little sad that in our last year to all be together, we are finally figuring out how to deal with confrontation and gossiping. Regardless, shout out to Kaley, Katie, Sam, Darby, Hannah, Grace, Kaylee, and Megan for having my back and being my rocks this year. They have given me strength when all I wanted to do was give up. They have given me so much advice on boys and what to wear and what to not care about. I'm so thankful that I have so many best friends who are always looking out for me and have my back. They make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. They drive me insane sometimes, but at the end of the day, I love them. They love me in the ways that I need to be loved this year and I am forever thankful for that.
Not only have my best friends been such a blessing to me this year, but so have my wyldlife babies. They are seriously the best, and they make me smile every time we hang out. Some of the best parts of my week come from hanging out with them and knowing that life in seventh grade is easy, but to them it's like the end of the world. I love looking into their sweet faces and knowing that the Lord loves them so deeply and He has so much in store for them. Sometimes, I even like to think about which ones will be sitting in my spot years from now, loving girls they once were. My wyldlife girls love me so well and know how to cheer me up. They make silly jokes and are completely disinterested in boys, and I love that. I see so much of who I was in them when I was in middle school, which is so silly, but I know that deep down they probably felt the way I did: lost. But because I had amazing wyldlife leaders, I found my way to the light. And I pray for that for all of my wyldlife girls as well. They're all my little sisters, even though sometimes I feel more like their mom when we hang out. I'm always making sure that they are behaving. No matter what, my wyldlife girls make everything so worth it this year. Hanging out with them and showing them who Jesus is, is more rewarding and life giving than partying is. When I laugh with them, or cry with them, or simply get to hang out with them, I see that they are the future powerhouses for the Kingdom and I want them to all love Jesus. Honestly, there are so many seventh grade girls, that I feel so blessed to be able to love them all individually. I feel like a big sister to 30 girls, and that's something I've always wanted. Being a leader to the sweetest and most incredible seventh graders ever, is rewarding and gets me excited for what the Kingdom is going to look like.
But, in the midst of all these baby sisters and best friends, I'm still so lonely. My heart is searching for fulfillment that only God can give to me. I think that I am running after the Lord with everything in me, but if I truly was, wouldn't I not be lonely? I honestly don't know the answer to this question. But I do know that I am dying to be made whole in Jesus. I want so badly to finally be okay and not feel lonely. I think I really struggle with the fact that God is not something that I can physically see or touch, so the loneliness is really great. For so long, I was the person that LOVED hugs and loved cuddling and just being in constant contact with others, but now, I HATE touching others. I can't stand it. I also think that's another reason why I feel so lonely, I won't let anyone into my little bubble.
In the midst of this battle of loneliness and feeling so full when I'm with my friends, I have found that the Lord is really blessing me with the sweetest moments and the best memories. I am beyond blessed, but being beaten down by stress.
God has good plans for my life, and I trust that, even when it doesn't seem like it right now.
Put it in perspective
Sara
High school is four years of a long life, and at the end of the day, no one really idolizes who they were in high school. But right now, it seems like it's the end of the world if I don't have a homecoming date, or if a friend gossips about me, or if I end up eating lunch alone. It's not though, and my head has become so consumed with the idea that high school is forever.
Ever since I was a little girl, I looked forward to and have dreamed about my senior year. I for sure thought my life would be like "A Cinderella Story", where I end up dating the quarterback on the football team and we go off to college together. I thought that I would have the best friend group in the world, and that we would be "popular". And I thought that I would end up applying to numerous prestigious colleges.
It's funny how God comes in and completely wrecks every plan we have. Even coming into senior year with the circumstances that I did, I put deadlines on everything on my life, and if it didn't happen by that day, I would just give up and move on. How silly is that? However, I have learned that I am not a person that likes to give up- on anything. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I give a million second chances. I refuse to see the bad in anyone or in any situation. Senior year has hands down been one of the loneliest years of my life. I was so used to being adored and loved on, that I don't know how to actually let people be nice to me or hug me. I hate hugging people now, which is sad because I want to love people so intentionally. Regardless of who I am now, I know that the Lord has some crazy plan for me and I just have to trust Him and follow Him into the storm and out into the light.
No matter how lonely I am though, the Lord is constantly reminding me that I am worthy and I am loved and I belong here right now. He has blessed with amazing best friends this year who genuinely care about me and encourage me to seek God in all that I'm doing. I don't think I've ever had such a strong group of friends who are so loving and free and silly, and it makes me a little sad that in our last year to all be together, we are finally figuring out how to deal with confrontation and gossiping. Regardless, shout out to Kaley, Katie, Sam, Darby, Hannah, Grace, Kaylee, and Megan for having my back and being my rocks this year. They have given me strength when all I wanted to do was give up. They have given me so much advice on boys and what to wear and what to not care about. I'm so thankful that I have so many best friends who are always looking out for me and have my back. They make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. They drive me insane sometimes, but at the end of the day, I love them. They love me in the ways that I need to be loved this year and I am forever thankful for that.
Not only have my best friends been such a blessing to me this year, but so have my wyldlife babies. They are seriously the best, and they make me smile every time we hang out. Some of the best parts of my week come from hanging out with them and knowing that life in seventh grade is easy, but to them it's like the end of the world. I love looking into their sweet faces and knowing that the Lord loves them so deeply and He has so much in store for them. Sometimes, I even like to think about which ones will be sitting in my spot years from now, loving girls they once were. My wyldlife girls love me so well and know how to cheer me up. They make silly jokes and are completely disinterested in boys, and I love that. I see so much of who I was in them when I was in middle school, which is so silly, but I know that deep down they probably felt the way I did: lost. But because I had amazing wyldlife leaders, I found my way to the light. And I pray for that for all of my wyldlife girls as well. They're all my little sisters, even though sometimes I feel more like their mom when we hang out. I'm always making sure that they are behaving. No matter what, my wyldlife girls make everything so worth it this year. Hanging out with them and showing them who Jesus is, is more rewarding and life giving than partying is. When I laugh with them, or cry with them, or simply get to hang out with them, I see that they are the future powerhouses for the Kingdom and I want them to all love Jesus. Honestly, there are so many seventh grade girls, that I feel so blessed to be able to love them all individually. I feel like a big sister to 30 girls, and that's something I've always wanted. Being a leader to the sweetest and most incredible seventh graders ever, is rewarding and gets me excited for what the Kingdom is going to look like.
But, in the midst of all these baby sisters and best friends, I'm still so lonely. My heart is searching for fulfillment that only God can give to me. I think that I am running after the Lord with everything in me, but if I truly was, wouldn't I not be lonely? I honestly don't know the answer to this question. But I do know that I am dying to be made whole in Jesus. I want so badly to finally be okay and not feel lonely. I think I really struggle with the fact that God is not something that I can physically see or touch, so the loneliness is really great. For so long, I was the person that LOVED hugs and loved cuddling and just being in constant contact with others, but now, I HATE touching others. I can't stand it. I also think that's another reason why I feel so lonely, I won't let anyone into my little bubble.
In the midst of this battle of loneliness and feeling so full when I'm with my friends, I have found that the Lord is really blessing me with the sweetest moments and the best memories. I am beyond blessed, but being beaten down by stress.
God has good plans for my life, and I trust that, even when it doesn't seem like it right now.
Put it in perspective
Sara
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Welcome to the PARTY!
God is so good, friends. I'm talking about jumping-for-joy, singing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs, greasy hair, wide eyed and mystified good.
For those of you who read this, and don't know, I'm a Wyldlife leader to a group of seventh grade girls that have absolutely stolen my heart and make me so proud. As a leader in Younglife,every fall, you go to Leadership Camp in the mountains. Today, I just got home from the most freeing and alive weekends I've had since senior year started. One thing I learned, is that the statement, "God is more evident in the backcountry" is SO TRUE. The Lord was glorious this weekend, and in more ways than one.
With a month of senior year down, and a few more to come, it seems as if the question of the year is: "What's after high school?" Honestly, I hadn't known what the answer was for a while, and I still am waiting on clarity. But, I think that the Lord is really calling me to be at CSU next year (if I get in), which I am so excited about! For a while, I was telling myself that Uganda was the right choice for me right after high school because it's an escape from everything that is dragging me down here. I was telling myself that Uganda would be my place of joy, and it is, but it's where I needed to be now, and there a year from now as well. God has really tried to teach me this year, that He is good no matter where I am. Which I now realize is so true. I've learned that it doesn't matter where I am a year from now, or where I am in ten years, what matters is the now moment. My heart longs to be somewhere besides Littleton, and CSU and Uganda or traveling the world seem like the very best answer; the easiest answer. But, my friend Carlee reminded me that joy and freedom do not resonate with a place, a person, or a thing. Joy and freedom come from knowing that the Lord loves me unconditionally. No place or thing will ever be able to offer me what I'm truly looking for. It's been cool to understand that concept this weekend as I have been hanging out with my closest friends that have become my family. For now, the Lord is tugging at my heart to be at CSU next year, but that could always change in a few months. At this point in the season of life that I am in, I am willing to go wherever God calls me to go because it is so pointless to not ride out the storm.
Not only has the Lord provided me with some clarity about what next year holds for me, He spoke so much truth into my heart and over my life. Every worship song we sang, there were moments when I would cy out in pain because my chest physically ached with sorrow and sadness, but the next moment I was rejoicing and smiling because I knew that while this brokenness sucks, it's not going to be like this forever. And that is something that is worth rejoicing over. Honestly, looking back not even 24 hours later, I don't really remember much about what the camp speaker had to say because I was so focused on other things, and the worship this weekend really filled my cup. However, this morning, I remember Terry, the Front Range Region Director, said, "let it go."
Friends, I have been told, "let it go", "don't collapse", "it's going to get better" so many times. I didn't want to hear it again. I just wanted people to let me sulk in my sadness and just be bitter about life. But, God had other things in store for me.
This morning I walked into the pavilion with 900 other Younglife leaders from all over Colorado. To our surprise, each chair had our mission statement, a CD, and a balloon attached to it. The room was filled from ceiling to floor with white balloons and gold string: heaven. It was a party, it was THE party that we all got invited into many years ago and haven't left yet. We have taken up our invitation and decided to hand it out to others, so that there may be thousands of pavilions filled with balloons and CD's and mission statements and laughter and glorious parties. This morning was God. There's no other way to explain it. This weekend I had been wrestling with the concept of "let it go", and the Lord was really stirring up my heart. As we worshiped and sang praises to our sweet, sweet Papa, leaders who felt compelled to share verses spoke them into the mic for all to hear, and it was good. There was truth proclaimed in every inch of that pavilion with the balloons touching the ceiling. Something good was happening, something I cannot explain to you. As Terry was sending us off into this coming year of leading Younglives, Capernaum, Younglife, and Wyldlife, she goes, "take hold of the balloon attached to your chair. Yank heaven down to you and grab hold of this incredible invitation to an eternal party. But know, that when you take hold of heaven, you are stepping into the future, into the now, and you are letting go of the past." In that moment, I yanked down my balloon and the tears came streaming down my face.
This was a moment of light being shed onto a whole lot of darkness. This was a moment that I will cling to in the days, and weeks, and months to come as I finish riding out the storm. I don't know how to explain any of what the Holy Spirit did with my heart this weekend, there is just no good description to what He has done. But know this, while I am still picking up pieces of brokenness glass, I have also let it go. My brokenness no longer defines the person that I was made to be. I am a child of God and He is calling me to higher things. But in order for me to reach those higher things, I needed to grab hold of heaven and let all the bitterness, anger, hurt, and pain go.
So, while I will still probably hear, "let it go," know that something this weekend happened, that is completely intimate between the Holy Spirit and I, and I will never be able to understand it fully. I feel restored and redeemed after this weekend, something I had been holding out for. As this semester begins, pray that I would be able to seek His Kingdom and keep inviting middle school boys and girls into the party, so that some day they too, might be able to let it all go.
Never miss out on the opportunity to love deeply on everyone. We are all dying to be made whole by our Creator, and this weekend, I was loved on deeply, by 900 people I don't know, and it was a time of restoration and hope arising. We are all searching for answers that only God can give us. So come, ask your questions, and be welcomed into the party.
Accept the Invitation
Sara
For those of you who read this, and don't know, I'm a Wyldlife leader to a group of seventh grade girls that have absolutely stolen my heart and make me so proud. As a leader in Younglife,every fall, you go to Leadership Camp in the mountains. Today, I just got home from the most freeing and alive weekends I've had since senior year started. One thing I learned, is that the statement, "God is more evident in the backcountry" is SO TRUE. The Lord was glorious this weekend, and in more ways than one.
With a month of senior year down, and a few more to come, it seems as if the question of the year is: "What's after high school?" Honestly, I hadn't known what the answer was for a while, and I still am waiting on clarity. But, I think that the Lord is really calling me to be at CSU next year (if I get in), which I am so excited about! For a while, I was telling myself that Uganda was the right choice for me right after high school because it's an escape from everything that is dragging me down here. I was telling myself that Uganda would be my place of joy, and it is, but it's where I needed to be now, and there a year from now as well. God has really tried to teach me this year, that He is good no matter where I am. Which I now realize is so true. I've learned that it doesn't matter where I am a year from now, or where I am in ten years, what matters is the now moment. My heart longs to be somewhere besides Littleton, and CSU and Uganda or traveling the world seem like the very best answer; the easiest answer. But, my friend Carlee reminded me that joy and freedom do not resonate with a place, a person, or a thing. Joy and freedom come from knowing that the Lord loves me unconditionally. No place or thing will ever be able to offer me what I'm truly looking for. It's been cool to understand that concept this weekend as I have been hanging out with my closest friends that have become my family. For now, the Lord is tugging at my heart to be at CSU next year, but that could always change in a few months. At this point in the season of life that I am in, I am willing to go wherever God calls me to go because it is so pointless to not ride out the storm.
Not only has the Lord provided me with some clarity about what next year holds for me, He spoke so much truth into my heart and over my life. Every worship song we sang, there were moments when I would cy out in pain because my chest physically ached with sorrow and sadness, but the next moment I was rejoicing and smiling because I knew that while this brokenness sucks, it's not going to be like this forever. And that is something that is worth rejoicing over. Honestly, looking back not even 24 hours later, I don't really remember much about what the camp speaker had to say because I was so focused on other things, and the worship this weekend really filled my cup. However, this morning, I remember Terry, the Front Range Region Director, said, "let it go."
Friends, I have been told, "let it go", "don't collapse", "it's going to get better" so many times. I didn't want to hear it again. I just wanted people to let me sulk in my sadness and just be bitter about life. But, God had other things in store for me.
This morning I walked into the pavilion with 900 other Younglife leaders from all over Colorado. To our surprise, each chair had our mission statement, a CD, and a balloon attached to it. The room was filled from ceiling to floor with white balloons and gold string: heaven. It was a party, it was THE party that we all got invited into many years ago and haven't left yet. We have taken up our invitation and decided to hand it out to others, so that there may be thousands of pavilions filled with balloons and CD's and mission statements and laughter and glorious parties. This morning was God. There's no other way to explain it. This weekend I had been wrestling with the concept of "let it go", and the Lord was really stirring up my heart. As we worshiped and sang praises to our sweet, sweet Papa, leaders who felt compelled to share verses spoke them into the mic for all to hear, and it was good. There was truth proclaimed in every inch of that pavilion with the balloons touching the ceiling. Something good was happening, something I cannot explain to you. As Terry was sending us off into this coming year of leading Younglives, Capernaum, Younglife, and Wyldlife, she goes, "take hold of the balloon attached to your chair. Yank heaven down to you and grab hold of this incredible invitation to an eternal party. But know, that when you take hold of heaven, you are stepping into the future, into the now, and you are letting go of the past." In that moment, I yanked down my balloon and the tears came streaming down my face.
This was a moment of light being shed onto a whole lot of darkness. This was a moment that I will cling to in the days, and weeks, and months to come as I finish riding out the storm. I don't know how to explain any of what the Holy Spirit did with my heart this weekend, there is just no good description to what He has done. But know this, while I am still picking up pieces of brokenness glass, I have also let it go. My brokenness no longer defines the person that I was made to be. I am a child of God and He is calling me to higher things. But in order for me to reach those higher things, I needed to grab hold of heaven and let all the bitterness, anger, hurt, and pain go.
So, while I will still probably hear, "let it go," know that something this weekend happened, that is completely intimate between the Holy Spirit and I, and I will never be able to understand it fully. I feel restored and redeemed after this weekend, something I had been holding out for. As this semester begins, pray that I would be able to seek His Kingdom and keep inviting middle school boys and girls into the party, so that some day they too, might be able to let it all go.
Never miss out on the opportunity to love deeply on everyone. We are all dying to be made whole by our Creator, and this weekend, I was loved on deeply, by 900 people I don't know, and it was a time of restoration and hope arising. We are all searching for answers that only God can give us. So come, ask your questions, and be welcomed into the party.
Accept the Invitation
Sara
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