Anything Can Happen

I am not guaranteed anything in this life. I'm not promised a special ending or love like a fairy take. I am not entitled to an incredible, care-free life. I may not even leave behind a great legacy. I am only offered THIS life. There are no redos, pauses, or fast-forwwards. There is now, the present. I get to make what I want of it. In the blink of an eye, my plane could crash and all that could be left of me is ash and dust. I could wake up, with cancer consuming my body. I could drive home only to find out Sam or Kaley or Liv or my mom is near death. God never promised me, nor any of us a happy ending. God never promised me an easy life. How I see it: I am always climbing a mountain, uphill. With rocks and trees and straight always. Some moments will be challenging and devastating, while other moments will be joyful and glorious. Yet, this mountain will always radiate HOPE. My life can change instantly, good or bad. That's when I need the hope that God abundantly supplies. If I were to suddenly get cancer or lose my best friend, I would just have to use hope and God alone to keep going.

Six months ago, I never imagined my school headlining every news station possible: "Arapahoe High School Shooting." However, I learned that anything can happen and God will allow the good, the bad and the ugly to occur. While a fellow Warrior was in the hospital, fighting for her life, I hoped and I prayed for Claire to make it. I prayed she would wake up and watch the video from One Direction that they made for her. For 8 days, I was fed more hope than possible. Sadly, it was a somewhat false-hope that I was fed and hungrily ate. Claire had seen the light and is now dancing at the feet of Jesus. Yet another moment of truth revealed in my life- anything can happen. God did not promise me tomorrow or even a full today. But, He did promise me eternal life as long as I believed, as long as I hoped and had faith in something greater than myself. Not everything in life is a tragedy. God also blesses us when we least expect it, like beginning to fall in love with someone. We don't know what life is going to offer us- what God is going to offer us. All we have is hope.

Radiation of Joy

It's a beautiful summer night here in Kauai. I sit here by the beach just taking in all the beauty and glory God created on this earth. The beach and water is so incredibly breath taking. So if God can  create beaches that stretch beyond our minds' capacity, and mountains that reach the sky,  what is stopping us from running full force towards Him? Negativity. When the day doesn't go as we planned, we get sour moods and become frustrated with life. We don't sit back and enjoy the beauitful, infinite blessings The Lord has given us. In fact, we ignore them. Breathing, moving, feeling, ect... We take all of those simple life necessities for granted. One day they could be gone. One day we will be gone. What's left of us? The bones lying under ground? Or the legacy and positivity we left behind? I'd like to think that it's going to be the second choice for about 99% of every human on this earth. The other 1% of humans must have really not enjoyed their time here and chose not to be upbeat and full of life. However, it's never easy to pick joy over depression. Some days it just happens that anger and guilt and sadness and annoyance overcome you. Yet, we get to control what angers us and makes us sad and what annoys us. I know that I'm always put in a bad mood when I see girls my age going to parties and getting drunk and then they wake up the next day and tweet a bible verse or post a picture on Instagram of how much they love Jesus. That annoys me. Hypocrites annoy me. But, I have learned that it is not and never will be my place to judge them. It is completely out of my control. It's all in the Lord's hands. Recently, I've found myself being judgmental of these hypocrites and then I remind myself I too am I a hypocrite in my own way. So my goal is to strive to be a better human being and to choose positivity. By allowing myself the freedom of positivity, it's a 100% guarantee by  Jesus, Himself that my day will instantly be better. Each day that I choose to radiate joy, my character changes in slowly and it's all done by the work of God. All I have to do is pray and ask God to change my heart. Donald Miller wrote in "Blue Like Jazz," "God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love." Boy do I ever hope that I can love others as much as Jesus loves me. Because each day that I choose love and freedom and joy, is a day that I can share God's glory with others and run full speed after Him. At the end of the day, we get to choose if we want to have a life full of joy or a life full of depression. We et to choose our own destiny; if we want to love Jesus and run after Him, or if we want to close the door on Him. Yet, I believe that if we close the door on Him, He's always going to be knocking and He's always going to be pursuing you even if you don't want it. If that's the life you chose, that in my opinion is a life full of  darkness and negativity. Who knows, maybe it's not. But  if you choose the life of joy, and the life with Jesus centered in it, there is a wellspring of life and you never grow tired or weary. So enough of this half-assed relationship with Christ. You're either all in or all out. You decide. Either way, there is an abundant supply of love in this world for you.

Don't Blink

I think with the school year coming to a close life gets super intense and everyone tries their hardest to bring up their grades, even if that means being a suck up to the least of our favorite teachers. I think that the future is a scary thing. And the end of the school year really amps up the stress about the future. With this semester especially, life has been a pain in the butt. Life has shown me the true meaning of life- live for NOW. I've learned that I can't wake up in the morning worried about what college I want to attend or what career I want. I've learned that I have to wake up in the morning ready to delight in today and the circumstance I've been given. I've learned that within 90 seconds, my life could change completely and the normal I once knew, is gone forever. In the blink of an eye, my life was changed. In the blink of an eye, I had to grow up and realize that life is no game. It's a reality. Everything is going to happen for a reason, whether it be good or bad, it happens. Lately, God has really put the shooting on my heart and I don't know why. But it's been a constant reminder to me that I can't worry about my future or if I go to heaven or not. I have to delight in the now moments. I might not ever get these moments back. If that's the case, then why do I spend some of my time crying or being angry? Why not wake up every morning thinking that it was my last day to live? Why not take risks and smile all the time? I believe that it's because of fear. I don't take risks and I don't live in the now moments because I fear that it will have repercussions on my life. I fear that if I live in the now moment that I will regret it in the future. But at this point, who cares? Am I right? You only get one life and you have to live it to the fullest. You never know when God is going to call you home. My goal for the rest of the semester is to WAKE UP. To live life and love it. To go out of my way to show love and joy. To finally understand what risks and life is all about. I'm going to live for me. I'm going to live for the Lord. I'm going to live in the now moment because that could be my last.

Overwhelmed

I think it is easy to say, life gets overwhelming and we all wish that there was a rewind or slow down button or pause. Yet, this is not the case. This is not a movie. This is real. Life is written in pen, no erasing the mistakes and memories you've made, no matter how hard you try. There is no replay button on your favorite night, no slow down moment on your childhood years. Life keeps moving and changing even when I don't want it to. I've had to realize that life is going to change and the only way to be okay is to accept defeat, to move on, to be ahead of the curveball. I've had to realize that I'm going to mess up. I'm going to disappoint others. I'm going to do things I wish I never would have. The worst thing is, is that no matter how hard I want to run away from all the pain and bad I've done in my life, God won't let me. He makes me deal with it. He throws it in my face- literally, until I have done what He wants me to. It's overwhelming. Running from all my problems didn't get me anywhere though. All it did was lead me to sleepless nights and harsh feelings about myself. It's even pushed me away from The Lord. As I was driving down University today going towards Cherry Creek mall, I was suddenly overwhelmed by this sense of peace and tranquility. It's not anything I can explain. There was so much that had to be done today, but I stopped speeding and I just began to be content. I was content with where I was, who I was friends with, how much gas was in my car... it was a feeling I wish I could always feel. Yet, as peaceful as I was, sitting here now, there was no peace in that situation. Earlier, I had asked myself, "am I actively pursuing a relationship with the Lord?" Even if I said yes, I knew I would be lying to myself as would the Lord. I've been so caught up and overwhelmed with school, sports, finding a job, money, my boyfriend, I have forgotten about the one thing that truly made it all happen, God the Father. I have pushed Him so far away it feels like He lives on another planet. And it hurts. Yet, the peace in the car was so overwhelming, I knew I had to ask myself that question. It was a slap in the face, but such an amazing wake up call. If I lost everything in this world today that I have been so focused on lately, what would I have to depend on? Really, it would be nothing. I say this because I have pushed God so far away it's so hard to find Him again. Pray friends. Pray that the Lord would restore my heart and that I would find Him, take His truth and hide it in my heart. My prayer for you, as you walk through this week, when you feel overwhelmed, remember to Whom you belong and to Whom holds your future. I know I will. Put your trust in the Lord because He is so redeeming and ultimately the One who brings peace to the restless and hope to the hopeless. Even with God so far away, I will find Him and run to Him. And I won't stop running until I am finally home with the One True King.
Psalm 16:2
"I say to the Lord, 'You are my Lord; apart from you, I have no good thing.'"

God is still good. Even when we are chasing after Him.

The Storm Rages On

As the week hits the beginning of the end, the stress levels increase, the exhaustion sets in, and the cloud of bad moods hang over my head. This week started out very stressful and enemy provoking. But the enemy has not won and he will never win. Jesus paid our debts and he fought the fight of faith. The Lord has proven time and time again that in a bad situation, He is good and His love endures forever. The Lord has shown that in every circumstance there is always a beautiful and good outcome. The Lord is so so good even on the worst days. Often times I get so wrapped up in all the chaos and bitterness and the mess I'm in, I forget that the Lord has placed me in this situation for a reason and that when I can't handle it all any longer, He will be there by my side ready to fill my cup up again so I can go out and share it. When I am so overwhelmed with worry and fear and doubt more than likely, I become so consumed in the negative that I forget that I have no control over the situation whatsoever. And when I focus on the worry and doubt and fear, I lose the trust that I should be putting in the Lord. But as I was getting out of the shower from an intense prayer with the Lord, He whispered in my ear, "Do not fear, I am with you. Do not worry, put your trust in Me." Oh what a calming and wonderful reminder that the Lord is good and He is faithful. But this wasn't the only time that the Lord had spoke to me today. When I was in the car driving home from Sandburg Elementary, a song was playing. The lyrics go a little something like this: "You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God. You do not faint you won't grow weary. You are the defender of the weak, you comfort those in need. You lift us up on wings like eagles... Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord we will wait upon the Lord we will wait upon the Lord." And in the song, there was a child's voice reciting the verse Isaiah 40: 29-31 which says, " Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." In the midst of the chaos and fear and worry and doubt that the enemy keeps pushing on me, I will not fear. For the Lord is with me fighting the battle. He has already won and He will keep winning time after time. Christ has come and He will come again. I believe. I trust the Lord. He makes all things work together for His good. When I feel overwhelmed and like I am drowning, He is my lighthouse and He is my rock. I won't be shaken. I will come to Him, get my rest and continue to go out and share His unending love.

Matthew 11:28
"Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."

God is so good friends, even in a raging storm. Do not fear, but put your trust in the One Who loves and adores you. Keep up the faith. Put your trust in the Lord.

Sar

Forever

Last night, my dearest friend Kristin Good celebrated her 18th birthday by having a worship night at her barn. We sat and sang songs. We praised the Lord. We thanked Him for the unending love He provides us with. We sat there and God was so present. I could feel Him moving in so many lives. After worshipping, some of Kristin's best friends went around and talked about how Kristin had impacted the lives of so many and how she will continue to do so. There are no words to describe how loving and compassionate and inspiring Kristin is. She makes everyone want to be a better person and she shares the Lord's love with everyone. It's so amazing and inspiring. But in the midst of this celebration, the Lord was doing so much more. The Lord was revealing Himself to me in the neatest way. The Lord had shown me through song that I get to dwell in His house for the rest of my life. At first, this was so overwhelming. But after thinking about it, if being in the Lord's house is anything like sitting in the barn with all my best friends and people that love Jesus is what my forever looks like, I am 110% okay with that. Just the thought of it now is so exciting and thrilling and amazing. I cannot wait for the day that I get to be reunited with my Daddy and that He just holds me in His arms. What will that even be like? Will I be speechless? Will I cry? Will I shout His holy name in joy? Spending forever with my Creator, oh how glorious that sounds. I've realized that I don't want anyone else that I know to miss out on this amazing opportunity to know and be loved by a God who forgives and redeems. You can't miss out on it! If anyone does, my heart breaks. Because what is better than spending forever with someone who loves you even when you fail? What is better than knowing that if you hate yourself, someone else loves you entirely for every quirk you have? What is better than knowing that at the end of the day, when you are broken, someone is going to redeem your heart and make you whole? Nothing is better than what God has to offer us. The way we live our lives is just a glimpse of what forever will be like when we dwell in the kingdom of the Most High God. I don't want my life to look like black and white, I want my life to be all white. I want people to know me and see my life as a picture of His everlasting love. I want to share the Lord with everyone. I want the Lord to use me for His glory. Nothing in my life will ever be done solely through my doing-it's all because of Him. The love that Kristin has for people is the love the Lord has for us. This is real love. This is genuine love. This is God's love. I want to share it. I want so many people to bask in the love that He has provided with us. I want people at the end of the day to let down their walls and enter into forever with me. I want everyone to know what paradise is like, and how we will all be there someday forever.

"This is but a picture, a mere glimpse of what I will be doing forever."

Power Struggle

After the shooting, I had the hardest time with being happy with the circumstances I was in. I had walked out of Arapahoe on the 13th completely defeated. The enemy had stolen all of my joy and I felt like there was no way for me to win it back. Yet, as 2014 started out with a bang, God really tested my heart. God had given me the opportunity to experience life as a typical teenager, and I did. I saw what it was like to be at parties and to see people make horrible choices unconsciously. The after math of it all was even worse. There were rumors and lies about so many good people, and I got caught up in it. I'm not going to lie to you, I love parties. I think they are so fun. I like being around people, even if they are drunk. Hahahah. But I think as the year progressed and as I became more and more enveloped in the partying, I had some curiosity that arose. I wanted to drink and I wanted to smoke. I saw that maybe it wasn't all that bad. I was desperate to find something that would bring me joy, even for the slightest bit. But right when I was falling into the temptations, the Lord swooped me up into His loving and caring arms. The Lord had spoken, and He had made it very clear that the choices I wanted to make, weren't very fulfilling choices. So with that, I started to press back into what God had called me to do; to practice what I preach. And I think for me, that was really good. I didn't want to be seen and known as the girl at Arapahoe who goes out and drinks and smokes and blacks out on a Saturday night and then show up to church the next morning. Don't get me wrong, God loves us all, but I just cringed at the thought of being a major hypocrite. So, as the Lord transitioned me into a life that would please Him again, I slowly felt like I was drowning. I felt like the sea was raging on and it would never be calmed again, it was beyond draining. I just wanted to be happy again. I could tell that there was a major power struggle between the enemy and God while I was sitting in a hurricane. But as each day went by, I found more joy in loving others and spending time with God than I have ever felt in my entire life. I had seen and experienced the joy that going to parties gave me, and I have and still am experiencing the joy that the Lord fills me up with daily. Let me tell ya, being with God and finding joy in Him is so much better than any man made creation. After the shooting, I seriously thought that I was never going to be happy again. I am so proud to say, that after having many sleepless nights and many, many tears, the Lord really has really rocked my world. I have seen so much joy and love be spread around these past three months than I ever have. People that I never even talked to, they are such good friends to me know. People that I never thought I would talk to on a daily basis, are my best friends now. And it's such a blessing. The power struggle is over. God has won and He will continue to win. We were made to be joyful. We were not made to walk around feeling depressed. But I have learned, that even when life sucks, we get to choose if we want to keep being sad, or if we want to turn our frown upside down and find joy! We get to wake up every morning with the choice of happiness or sadness. We get to wake up and get to decide if we want to live in light and truth or darkness and lies. That is the best feeling!! So wake up every morning ready to decide the good, not the bad. We were made for joy!

"Our hearts were made for joy. Our hearts were made to enjoy the One who created them. Too deeply planted to be much affected by the ups and downs of life, this joy is knowing and being known by our Creator. He sets our hearts alight with radiant joy." -Unknown

"If one is joyful, it means that one is faithfully living for God, and that nothing else counts; and if one gives joy to others, one is doing God's work. With joy without and joy within, all is well."
- Janet Erskine Stuart

"Live for today but hold your hands open to tomorrow. Anticipate the future and its changes with joy. There is a seed of God's love in every event, every circumstance, every unpleasant situation in which you may find yourself."
-Barbra Johnson

"Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days."
-Psalm 90:14

Beautiful Mess

Life is such a beautiful mess. How often do we stop and realize how beautiful yet crazy this life is? Not often enough. We just keep going on with the flow of life. We cross one thing off our to do list and move onto the next thing on our agenda. This world consumes us. There is never enough time in the day to just be silent. There is never enough time in the day to really sit back and relax. Often times, it's not until something bad happens, that we ask God for help. When things go a wry and we need help, we call out to God. We cry and cry and cry until He saves us from our own self pity. We blame God for bad things happening, when in reality, it is our sinful nature that allows bad things to happen to us. The messes that we make, God is always right behind us cleaning up what we haven't. God is the first one to be upset with us and the first one to forgive us. More than most times, we are the last people to forgive ourselves. But why not get into the habit of forgiving yourself first? Why not realizing that you messed up and that you won't do it again? Why blame God for letting it happen when you were the one to be disobedient to what He said in the first place. It's not until we finally make it out of the mess that we realize we are lost and alone without God. That even in the worst situation of our life, God is GOOD; even in the midst of a hell storm. God makes a mess into a message, a beautiful one at that. There isn't a moment in the day that God isn't good, because HE IS ALWAYS GOOD. When we decide that being one with the Lord and obeying Him is more important than living in the world, prosperity and life and freedom and joy overcome our hearts. We meet God in the midst of it all and experience His goodness forever. As humans, we have this first nature to think that if anything bad ever happens, it's because the Lord wants it to. Really though, that is not the case. The fact of the matter is that, bad things happen because of sin. Not because God is not good, because God is always good. But after the hell storm is over, we need to be still and just wait upon the Lord. Just sit and listen. Don't talk or go off onto the next errand you have to do, just shut up and wait. God wants to talk to you because a majority of the time we are the ones doing the talking. But just listen and wait patiently until the Lord calls you by name and speaks truth into your heart. We need to realize that every mess made is turned into something beautiful and we can be redeemed from it. In the Lord's presence, we are made whole. And in the Lord's goodness, we find freedom. So let it go. Learn from your messes. Be quiet. Listen. Find freedom and be made whole.

the Power of Real Love

I have been wrestling lately with the idea of what real love is. Is it the romantic type of love we see in movies? Or is it the love that is unspoken but felt? Is love sentimental? Or is it materialistic? In this day and age it's hard to tell what is real and what is fake. It's sad to realize that, that's how love is sometimes too. Is the love I show everyday real love or fake love? Do I love with everything I have in me, or do I fake it til I make it? But what I have learned is that real love is the type of love that sucks. Real love hurts. Real love is painful. Real love is messy. Real love is confusing. Real love is dirty. Real love is a risk. Real love is not sentimental. Real love has no tolerance level. Real love is shown through joy, kindness, and humility. Real love goes to all measures to be shown. But in all honesty, real love, the love I want to experience is the kind where you would lay down your life. It's the love that Christ had shown us by dying on the cross. He knew the cost of our lives would be worth His and He was still willing to give it all up. That's the kind of real love I want. Yet, it seems like everyone today gets mixed up with what love really is. Love is not a new iPhone. Love is not three words spoken. Love is not a compromise. Love is not conditional. Real love, lasting love, that love; is sacrifice. So how do we reveal the power of true love? Don't have a tolerance level. The more we tolerate and put up with dismissive behaviors, the more we let others suffer from their own actions. I think that if someone is doing something hurtful or rude, they should be called out on in. But not through rudeness or anger, rather through kindness and love. You see, real love knows no peace. This real love, it understands what sin is. It understands where the evilness comes from. Loving in a real way is willingly calling others out. Loving in a real way is not being scared to go down to the dark roots of sin. Loving in a real way is what God calls us to do. Do I agree with some of the choices people make? Not at all. But do I love my friends and my peers enough to show them love while they make mistakes? Absolutely. The fact of the matter is, while I mess up and make mistakes, I still want my friends to love me. But I want them to love me enough to call me out on it too. I think that at the end of the day, no matter if you've made war or not, we need to know that we go before God, not anyone else. And when we go before God, He will know whether or not we loved to our best ability. How I see it is like this; everybody deserves to be loved. The saints. The sinners. The blind. The poor. The rich. The angry. The happy. The sad. The weak or the strong. The believers or the nonbelievers. The partiers. The uninvited. No matter who were are, and what part of life we are in, we need love. Because the label that society has given us is nonsense. The mistakes we make are a learning experience. We need love to feel valued. But our value should come from God and His real and perfect love, not the love that is fake. The power of real love extinguishes hate. The power of real love gives us joy. The power of real love leads us to the Lord. This love that leads us to the Lord shows us that we share and bask in His glory. It shows everyone that the Lord has loved us well so we can love others well. This real love, gives us a share of Jesus and a sin free life after earth.

"...Jesus answered, 'Unless I wash you, you have no share of me." -John 13:8.
So wash with Jesus and experience the true divinity of the love God has granted us.

choosing what is better

I think it is hard to be a teenage girl in the world in this day and age. There is so much to worry about; boys, make up, hair, what to wear, friends... Some days I just wish that I could be a guy for a change. But I've realized that it's not only girls who struggle with conforming to the ways of the world, guys do it too. Last night at church the sermon was over wanting the glory of man over the glory of God. How messed up is that? We reject God's glory, so we can receive the glory of man? That just doesn't make sense. Yet, it is true. We sit here and make all of our choices off of what others will think of us, in fear that we will be rejected. Recently, I've realized that it shouldn't matter how many followers we have on twitter or how many instagram likes we get on a picture, because that is what man adores and loves. What does God love? In Luke chapter 10, verses 38-42 are the story of how Martha and Mary, two sisters, opened up their home to Jesus. " 'Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed- or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.' " Luke 10:41-42. I think that in this day and age it shouldn't matter if we have make up on or not. It shouldn't matter if we look cute everyday. It shouldn't matter what car we drive. Because all of that is materialistic, the nicer the items, the more glory we receive from man. But, when we put all of that aside, we receive the glory of God. We need to start waking up every morning ready to choose what is better. We need to go through everyday deciding whether or not we want glory from man or glory from God. I know that it may seem like glory from man is so much better than the glory of God, but at the end of the day, glory from man fades away and does not last. The glory of God? Now that's a whole different story. When I walk hand in hand with the Lord everyday, yes I mess up and I fail, and I am tempted and I want to make stupid choices, but does that mean I should? No. It means that I am human. But every time I turn down a temptation or every time I refrain from cussing or flipping someone off, God rewards me with something so much better. The small reward may not come now, but it will come later, in God's perfect timing.

I think for the longest time I had thought that I was taking the right path, that I was choosing God, and that I was actively pursuing a friendship with Him. Reality slapped me in the face the past couple of days and has shown me that I'm really not the person I would like others to see me. Yes, I made mistakes and I have messed up, but at the end of the day, at the end of my weekend, I had seen God completely change my heart. He had taken everything I thought I wanted and put Himself where all my want was. He had taken all my worries, doubts, and fears out of my life because He had seen that I had wanted to walk hand in hand with Him again. It turns out, that God did exactly that. I woke up this morning ready to face school with a joyful and sill attitude, all with God by my side. And I did it. Sure, I wasn't the best I could be, but God is showing me that He has forgiven me, now all I have to do is forgive myself. From this last weekend, I think I have realized that God did set my heart free. And in that God lifted the burden of my constant sadness and anger, and in turn for sadness and anger, God had replaced it with JOY and LAUGHTER and FORGIVENESS. This past Saturday night, God had really shown me the whole day that He brings joy in pain, laughter in tears, and forgiveness in anger. Saturday night was one of the best nights I've had in such a long time. The Lord is good my friends. He really is. The Lord has shown me what is better, and I have chosen it. And it won't be taken from me.

My Lighthouse

I'm new to this whole blog thing. I don't know if this will ever be read or if many people will see this. But I'm giving it a shot because I feel like The Lord has told me to do so. a

Today, February 8, 2014, I experienced the Lord in a new light. Today He has set me free entirely and I am so thankful and joyful . A big part of my testimony is the drowning of my friend back in 2010. I was new to this concept of a man who had stepped down from His throne in a magnificent kingdom to come and die on a cross for me. After I had lost my friend Drennen in the summer of 201, I had felt completely lost and alone. I myself, felt like I was drowning in the burdens of this world. A year later on June 24, 2011, I broke down at a YoungLife summer camp and I let Jesus into my heart. Little did I know that He was going to change my world from there on out. Life was so different and it seemed a lot easier with Him, because even when friends and I were fighting, I knew that God was there and that He wasn't going to walk out on me. Eighth grade year, second semester, I went on this high for the Lord. All I wanted to do was talk about Him to everyone I knew, even strangers. Well, being on the Jesus High I was on, God finally broke me. He had shaken up my world and changed me. That was hard. But then going into high school, I was excited and scared all at once. I didn't know what life would be like, but I was sure that it would be so much fun, because everyone "loves" high school. Yet, my freshman year of high school absolutely sucked. All my friends from middle and elementary school had left me, or so I thought. I felt so alone and lost. I knew that I had Jesus, but I really didn't think that Jesus was necessarily for me. Around the spring of 2013, God had said to me that change needed to happen. So change happened. For the thousandth time it seemed, God had broken my heart. And the rebuilding of a road to happiness began again. The summer of 2013 started and ended unlike I had planned. I started the summer off hanging out with one of my best friends and all these boys; but I was so broken. I went away to summer camp in Minnesota. There I got baptized. Everything I think I had ever felt hurt or broken about, God had just lifted off of my shoulders. When I was being baptized, God redeemed my heart and had shown me what true JOY was like. God had overwhelmed my soul like He had done numerous times before. I ended my summer with a heart full of joy and forgiveness. Sophomore year started and I came into the school year with a better attitude and I was so ready to rebuild ruined friendships and to make new friends. As the school year progressed, each day drained me a little more. I felt like I was drowning again. I felt like there was no way out of this never ending cycle of being happy and then sinking. Then, on December 13, 2013, the enemy had stolen everything I had ever worked for; my joy, my redemption, my forgiveness. I was in the Arapahoe High School shooting. I was struck with fear and I had never felt so emotionally and physically drained. It's been almost 2 months since the hell storm happened and it's been a work in progress to regain my joy and steal everything back from the enemy. As this week had ended horribly, I woke up this morning with a new attitude, ready to take on the day, knowing that it was going to be a good one. As campaigners ended, and my leader dropped me off at home, I knew that there was something I needed to do to find my way back to God. I knew that God wasn't going to just leave me on the side of the road, hopeless and dried out. So I sat in my room singing and shouting out at God, until I came across the song, "My Lighthouse", by Rend Collective. I broke down in tears. This was my song. This was God speaking to me. Since the drowning of Drennen is a huge part of my testimony, I knew God was trying to say something to me through this song. I played it over and over and over waiting on God. He spoke. He told me that HE IS MY LIGHTHOUSE. That even when I am sinking, and the darkness overwhelms my soul, HE SEES ME. I have seen so many people get set free since this summer and it was something I wanted and needed in my heart. I have searched for it high and low, and all it took was this one song. JESUS HAS SET ME FREE. Jesus is my lighthouse. And He won't let me drown.