Rearview Mirror

"You'll just keep crashing if you never take your eyes off the rearview mirror."
-Leo Christopher

I thought that it would be fitting if I took sometime and reviewed my year. I went through old journals and I cried and laughed and smiled at the good, bad, and the ugly this year has brought me. It would be a lie if I claimed that this year was all bad, even though a majority of it has been. However, there have been these "aha" moments where I see the good in all the bad.

This year started off with me questioning so many things: my relationship, Wyldlife, friendships, family members... But I had no doubt in my mind about who God is. Somehow, I am ending the year still questioning friendships and family members, but I'm even questioning who God is. Or at least I was until this morning. My mom told me this morning that 2016 is a year of Jubilee, scripture says that this is a year where it will happen. Jubilee means that the Lord is going to bless us doubly in every aspect of life, and for me that means He's going to bless me doubly in joy- which is a really big thing for me right now. I spent most of first semester trying to get people to notice me and to please others. I wanted to be the girl that everyone liked- but I've really ended up being the girl that everyone finds to be fake and annoying. That was not my intention at the beginning of the year. At the beginning of senior year, I had this burning desire inside of me to leave Centennial because all I wanted was Jesus. I wanted everyone to know Jesus and I wanted everyone that I knew to know that I loved Jesus. I wanted everyone to know that I had just spent a month exploring Uganda and exploring Wyoming woods and exploring myself and in the midst of all of that, I explored the heart of Jesus. Somewhere along the way, I took a wrong turn to following Jesus and became self-centered, self-righteous, and very, very insecure. On the outside I felt like people saw that I was okay, that I had my life put together and that there was nothing bad going on inside of me. But on the inside, I was rotting. I was so stuck on looking in the rearview mirror at my past, that I simply could not look ahead of me. So I kept on crashing, which only made me want to hide my hurts even more. The rotting inside of me became very bad and I had felt like giving up. I felt like everything that happened this summer was for no reason. I hated that I had been romanced by Jesus the whole summer and then this year I completely ditched Him. Looking back on this year in review, has made me understand why some things had to happen and why I was the way that I was.

I became self-centered and self-righteous because I thought that it was much easier to receive attention from boys that way. I thought that if I put more effort into what I looked like and how I acted, boys would like me better. I compromised some of what I believe in for stupid boys to look at me and want me and want to be with me. I now realize, boys don't like that really- or they do, they just don't like it on me. And that's okay, because becoming someone who needed a boy's attention to feel okay at the end of the day is not what God desired when He gave woman as a gift to man and vice versa. I've learned that before another boy or anyone else ever can love me, I have to love myself as I am; mistakes and all. I have to love myself the way God loves me before I am confident enough that I no longer compromise what I believe in. Truth that I have heard a lot recently is: I don't need man's approval. I need God's approval. I don't need man's love. I need God's love. Being independent is a powerful thing. And being single, is common, but it doesn't mean I'm loved any less. So yeah, call me crazy, but I'm no longer going to throw myself at boys or change for boys or compromise what I believe in just so that I can be admired for one night. I'm going to hold out for someone who admires me for my heart and my dreams and supports me in all that I want for my life. I'm going to hold out for someone who I can talk about Jesus with for hours on end. I'm going to hold out for someone who sees past all my flaws and crazy moments and stupid fights and choses to love me still. I'm going to hold out for someone who wants all of me and not just some of me. I'm going to hold out for the man who loves Jesus more than he will ever be able to love me. And you know what? It all seems worth it.

Because I was throwing myself at every boy I saw, and then being rejected time and time again,  it made me think that I wasn't good enough- that I was never going to be loved again because of my past mistakes. I kept telling myself that there was something wrong with me; I wasn't pretty enough, I was too weird, I wasn't smart enough, I was too prude, I loved Jesus. I came up with all these self-made lies to comfort myself as I was being rejected. Ultimately, all of those lies that I have begun to believe, have sent me into a depression where I feel like I'm good enough for no one. Which is such a lie. I became insecure and I didn't think that I would ever be able to love myself as much I did when I came home from RMR this summer. But in the midst of all these lies, some of my really good guy friends have called me out on my crap and told me that I need to start loving myself more.

I may be ending 2015 without a kiss at midnight, or even having the best plans, but I do believe that it's all a setup for me to have the best 2016 ever. And I will be blessed doubly with joy by God. Friends, REJOICE and look forward. Don't look back and keep crashing. Look forward and enjoy the now moments, because in a few short months, we will all be off on our own adventures, experiencing life outside of high school walls. Make New Years' resolutions and actually DO them!

I remember a year ago on this evening, I sat at Sam's dinner table with the rest of his family and we went around asking each other what our New Year's resolution is. Sam told everyone that mine was Africa, and he was so right, even though I hate to admit that. Africa was everything I had hoped and dreamed for and I finally went to the place where my heart longed for. Africa was the best thing that ever happened to me in 2015, even though I came home with a lot of let downs. But it taught me so much about who I am. Thinking about it now, I am so excited to go back again this summer, God willing of course. But man oh man, I am excited for what God has in store for me this coming year. I won't be sitting at the Cofield's table this evening eating dinner with them saying my New Year's resolution, but I will be eating dinner with my friends telling them my resolutions and my hopes for this year, and I am so excited.

I am so excited to become the Sara that I was when I first came home from RMR this summer, if not even better. I am so excited to be a more positive, loving, encouraging, understanding person. I am so excited to fall in love with Jesus and have no regrets of doing His will. So here's to not looking at my rearview mirror anymore, and looking straight ahead at what 2016 will bring me!

Patiently awaiting the year of Jubilee
Sara

Everyday Victories

When I first started this blog, I thought I would be using it mainly during sophomore year, describing all these wonderful moments that I was experiencing with the Lord. However, that was not what the Lord wanted for me. I remember the reason why I started this blog, so that others could see that our Father is real and He is good and He is setting hearts free. When  started this blog, I had just experienced true freedom in the Lord. He had redeemed my scared and traumatized heart and had brought me back to safety. I thought that once you experienced freedom in the Lord once, that you would always be free, that this type of freedom in Papa was one grand moment with Him that sky-rocketed your relationship with Him for the rest of your life.

I was wrong. Yes, in February/March of my sophomore year, the Lord did set me free. He allowed me to experience life in a way that I never had before and it was incredible. But as time went on, I became bonded and chained to temptations and lies again, this time they were different. I was believing that I had no worth in this world. I was believing that I was not beautiful, even in God's eyes. As soon as I proclaimed these things over my life, I really began to believe them and take them as truth. But, they are not truth, rather they are lies. This past summer, I began to realize that when you believe something for so long, and someone tells you differently, it really affects that person as well. I was constantly being told that I was beautiful, but I never believed it because I never loved myself. Junior year was spent working out all the time to make sure that I looked skinny, or had the right summer body. There were nights where I thought to myself, "if only this part of myself was smaller, then, maybe, I would be more accepted." This is such a sad reality that our world often gets caught up in: "if I do blank, then, blank will love me more." But that is such crap. It's lies that the enemy has sugar coated with some parts of truth to make us think that we really do need to change things. Here's the cold hard truth that I have learned: no body type is ever going to be the same as my best friend's or even my mom's. I was fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God and He wants me to love me for who I am and who He says I am. No matter how many times I tried to wish away a certain part of my body, or wish that it was smaller, I realized that it was still going to be there the next day, so I better get comfortable with it because it's not going away anytime soon. This summer, my self hate and lack of self-confidence hit an all time low, which ultimately drove people away from me. Being negative was not who I had become. But, while I was away for a month, away from social media shoving skinny models down my throat, I realized that I am beautiful. I realized that I had to love myself before I could ever love someone else. Which was a hard truth for me to realize because all I wanted to do was throw love at everyone I came into contact with. When I had begun to really believe that I was beautiful, it was such a game changer. It made me want to be a better person and I felt as if this weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Freedom reigned over my heart.

But it's not even the moments where I sit in my room and cry because God has done this amazing miracle of redeeming my heart. It's moments in everyday life where we begin to truly and simply bask in the glory and goodness of the Lord that we find freedom and joy in most everything. This year, I have learned that God is constantly setting me free. He is constantly defeating lies the enemy has told me. He is allowing me to say no to temptation and really live out what He's calling me to. I think there is this huge emphasis that freedom can only happen once in our life, and then for the rest of our life we are supposed to remember that freedom. But I believe different. I believe that God allows us to experience new, big freedoms with Him, that fill us up, and allow us to go into everyday life remembering and clinging to that freedom He's given us. Freedom is a daily thing, it's taking up our own crosses and meeting our best friend at His feet and asking for His grace and joy and mercy. Freedom is choosing to believe in the truth that our hearts know versus believing in the lies that society is telling us to be.

While I was in Uganda, I learned that there was something so freeing about giving up control. I had little to no control over what I was going to do the next day, and how I was going to get there. I remember sitting in a taxi jam-packed with 15-20 people in it (something that is very illegal in Uganda), and knowing the taxi driver was going to speed up really fast, break really hard, go over the speed bump, pull over to the side, unload and load people, and then get back on the road as fast as possible. Sometimes, they would be so reckless with their driving, that they wouldn't really swerve when a Boda-Boda (motorcycle) was two inches away from the car. It seemed insane that Kampala could be so busy and so reckless with their driving, but have it work for them. Each time I got into the car full of people, I knew that I had to just trust that God was going to get me from point A to point B safely because of how crazy and chaotic the roads were. There were no driving laws really and you could literally pass a car you were behind while going straight into head on traffic. It's so dangerous, but became something very soothing for me near the end of my time there. While this was such a small thing for me to give up control over, it was freeing to know that whatever happened, the Lord was protecting my safety. Ultimately, this giving up of control in my life in a taxi, led to me giving up a lot of control over other things as well. Before, I left for Uganda, I was very confused as to what was going to happen when I came home, or even before I left. Life was one big puzzle, and I had no pieces. So, as I hopped on my plane to Uganda and home from Uganda, I simply asked the Lord to do His will in my life, knowing that my heart was willing to do whatever God called me to do- no matter how much it hurt. But in the midst of constantly telling the Lord to do His will in my life, I forgot that God gives us choices. Because if we didn't get choice, it would never really be a relationship with God since He died for us to have free will. God wants us to freely and joyfully choose relationship with Him, He never wants anyone to feel like God is being forced on them.

I think somewhere along the way this year, I forgot to ask the Lord to do His will in my life, and just decided to choose. This isn't a bad thing, but there would be some days where I knew that my choices weren't going to lead me back to God's will for my life. A few weeks ago, I had coffee with one of the most amazing people ever. Her name is Chelsea and she spoke mad truth into my heart. It's no lie that I have been on the fence about taking a gap year and going to college next year. I knew that when the time came, I would have peace about what I was supposed to do. Chelsea allowed me to process both of my options with new insight, and made me realize that there is two types of freedom, and that I need to choose whichever place offered me more freedom in the Lord. So, I took a look at my two options: CSU and Uganda. If I go to CSU, I will basically know my friend group up there because of Younglife and my community would be super awesome and it would be so good for me to be there. That sounds like every Younglifer's dream- being comfortable. But it's not mine. If I take a gap year and go to Uganda, I would be going against cultural norms and I would really be uncomfortable. Key word: uncomfortable. For so long, I have been put in this box by my classmates and teachers and parents and friends where "I love Jesus and I love Younglife and I hang out with middle schoolers, and I do the right thing and my instagram is filled with bible verses and I am very loud". That's who I have been defined as, and I feel like that's who everyone knows me at CSU as. I'm tired of living in that box, I am tired of being so comfortable that I'm just "okay". I'm tired of being around the same people that I've known my whole life or for four years. I'm tired of being the person everyone expects me to be. I'm tired of being predictable. People know who I am, when I can't even seem to piece together a sentence to explain who I am. I am lost, and I am searching for answers. I am searching to be lost and to be uncomfortable. I am searching to do the Lord's will, even if it means making hard choices. I am searching to be completely free in the Lord, and I feel like Uganda is where I can go and be free in His love and find myself in the midst of breaking out of my box and being uncomfortable. Chelsea reminded me that whatever path I choose, God will correct me if I'm wrong and lead me back to the path of the ultimate goal He has in mind for me.

Right now, in this moment, I feel a huge tug on my heart to go to Uganda and be there and be uncomfortable with myself, but become comfortable in God's glory. Regardless of what happens, I know that the Lord will give me discernment on what He's truly calling me to. I've just got to stop trying to control my life and be my own God. I've got to sit down in the taxi and know that God is going to get me from point A to point B safely, no matter how long it takes, and no matter how many pit stops it takes, I'll get there one day. And I find something so freeing in giving up control of the little things, but also the big things.

Freedom is not found once, it's found in everyday victories and in moments where we peak a mountain. Freedom cannot be tamed. Freedom is calling.

Sar

Blurred Vision

Senior year has been a year where my life has been consumed with social gatherings and sporting events and never being home. I have been avoiding the loneliness that the enemy wants me to feel, but when I do this, I am also avoiding the Lord. When I came home this summer, I had really changed. Uganda was amazing and I had found so much contentment in my heart for what God was calling me to. However, as senior year began, my mind became very clouded and temptations were and still are constantly being thrown in my face. The very source of my hurt was looking straight at me in the hallways, staring me down. I have let so much of my self pity and worldliness influence what I thought about my life, and I never had time to really figure out what happened in Uganda.

I only applied to CSU because I feel like CSU or either Uganda is where the Lord wants to place me in the next year. I have been accepted into CSU, and for a while now, I have felt like that is where I am being called to. However, this week, my Younglife leader, Elise, challenged me and asked me if I had really given this desire to be at CSU to Him and if that was His plan for my life. Honestly, I feel like I had really given it all up to the Lord and that He was calling me to CSU- I mean, I already know what I want to do with my life and I just want to get college done and over with so that I can earn my degree and then peace out of America. Yet, there is something in my heart that keeps telling me to not shut the door to Uganda next year just yet.

The past few days have been so life giving, because I have finally heard the Father's voice again, and I have been obeying and going out of my way to give to others and not focus on myself as much. In the midst of this joy that I have found here, in Littleton, I have been reminded of the joy and love and freedom that I experienced in Uganda. This reminder is so constant lately and all I want to do is buy a one way plane ticket to Uganda for tomorrow and just up and leave without any notice. My heart aches and longs to be back home, but there is such a good reason that I am in Littleton.

In all honesty, since I have returned home from Uganda, I have faked a lot of my happiness just so that other people would think I am okay and that I have m life all put together. Truth is, I don't. I'm not even remotely close to having my life completely put together - and that's okay. I think I felt this pressure to be okay because of how joyful and full I felt in Uganda and on backpacking. Somewhere along the way this year, my mind became consumed with thinking I needed a boyfriend again, and that I needed everyone to like me. But those are all lies that I have been believing because I am insecure in my own pain and they bring me comfort. Tonight, I was reading through my journal from Africa, and I came across this quote, it's from my favorite book, The Shack: "There are millions of reasons to allow pain and hurt and suffering rather than to eradicate them, but most of those reasons can be understood only within each person's story. I am not evil. You are the ones who embrace fear and pain and power and rights so readily in your relationships. But your choices are also not stronger than my purposes, and I will use every choice you make for the ultimate good and most loving outcome. Broken humans center their lives around things that seem good to them but will neither fill them nor free them. They are addicted to power, or the illusion of security that power offers. When a disaster happens, those same people will turn against the false powers they trusted. In their disappointment, either they become softened towards Me or the become bolder in their independence." This is truth that I had found during my time in Uganda, and I had felt such a sense of relief when I felt that. I felt like I had really begun to trust the Lord and look to Him instead of looking towards the false powers of this world. Let me tell ya, when I came home, everything changed and I began trusting the false powers that really brought me worldly security. Looking back on everything that has happened though, it is such a blessing I spent three weeks in Uganda with the Lord this summer, because that is where I left my fully broken heart, and finally began to mend. Senior year has been a test that I have been failing honestly. I have taken my focus off of the Lord and I have put it on my friends and on boys and on figuring out everything between Sam and I. But it was brought to my attention, that when I focus on the Lord first, I am going to be okay in the end, and my days will be so much better, no matter what happens with the ways of the world.

This year, I have identified so much with being broken with, I have taken the view of the victim and I have allowed the enemy to terrorize me for far too long. But it's time to stop throwing myself a pity party, pick up the broken pieces, and move on with life. Life is worth living and I don't have it that bad. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that I had drowned in self pity for so long, when I had just visited a country where kids were thankful if they got to eat posho for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Like honestly, how annoying is it that my mind completely changed back to such a first world view so fast? But I think in the midst of throwing myself a pity party, it was the enemy's way of pulling me closer to lies and him more than it brought me closer to the Lord. Another quote from The Shack talks about it: "Life hurt you. Lies are one of the easiest places for survivors to run. They give you a sense of safety, a place where you have to depend on only yourself. But it's a dark place, isn't it? Lies are a little fortress: inside them you can feel safe and powerful. Through your little fortress of lies you try to run your life and manipulate others. But the fortress needs walls, so you build some. These are the justifications for your lies. You know, like you are doing this to protect someone you love, to keep them from feeling the pain. Whatever works, just so you feel okay about the lies." This has hit me hard in the last hour. I am done telling and believing lies about my life and about others because that is not where real safety comes from. My real safety is going to come from hiding my heart in my First Love.

Day to day life is hard, but that's why the Lord allows us to experience Him in huge ways at certain points in our life so we don't give up or lose hope in Him. For me, it has been so hard to even want God because of how miserable I have been feeling. Honestly though, I know without a doubt I need the Lord more than ever right now, and instead of going to soccer games or hanging out with my friends all the time, I know I need to start taking time to be with the Lord.

In the past few days, I have started to do that again. And it has been so refreshing for my soul. I have come to the conclusion that it is so much harder for me to see and taste and hear my Daddy in Littleton than it was for me in Uganda, because I have so many distractions in my life. I have realized that I was so happy in Uganda because I was not worried about what Sam was doing or about what fun Kaley and Katie were having without me. I was completely M.I.A. and my heart is dying to go M.I.A. again. Knowing that I am better off without social media, or the ways of #firstworldproblems, is comforting because it shows me that I really do desire to be back at my home.

For so long this year, I thought for sure that something big was going to happen to me, that I would have this moment where the Lord finally gave me the greatness He promised me this summer, and maybe it's still coming, but I have not experienced it yet. But because of this, I know for a fact, that my heart is halfway around the world. I know exactly where I left it too, I left it at the front gate of the kids house. My heart misses sweet Tuse and Janat and Favor and Lez and Ikiam and Meddie and Tracy and Mark, but I cling to the thought that someday, whether it is here or in heaven, I will be reunited with those dark faces and white eyes. When that moment comes, I will weep tears of wondrous joy because those children stole my heart and kept it with them.

Senior year has blind sided me, in so many good ways, but also some bad. And while my heart is finally recovering, I know where it truly belongs: halfway around the world in Kampala, Uganda. So with that said, I have no idea where the Lord wants me to be next year or even this summer, but I am confident that I will be perfectly fine as long as I have my First Love by my side.

Wherever I am in this world, as long as I have God, I am Home.

Sara

Blessed, but Stressed

Senior year has become this bittersweet time where I want to move on with my life, but I don't want to be done just yet. However, on days, and weeks like this one, my heart longs to be so far away from Littleton and I'm really okay with that.

High school is four years of a long life, and at the end of the day, no one really idolizes who they were in high school. But right now, it seems like it's the end of the world if I don't have a homecoming date, or if a friend gossips about me, or if I end up eating lunch alone. It's not though, and my head has become so consumed with the idea that high school is forever.

Ever since I was a little girl, I looked forward to and have dreamed about my senior year. I for sure thought my life would be like "A Cinderella Story", where I end up dating the quarterback on the football team and we go off to college together. I thought that I would have the best friend group in the world, and that we would be "popular". And I thought that I would end up applying to numerous prestigious colleges.

It's funny how God comes in and completely wrecks every plan we have. Even coming into senior year with the circumstances that I did, I put deadlines on everything on my life, and if it didn't happen by that day, I would just give up and move on. How silly is that? However, I have learned that I am not a person that likes to give up- on anything. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I give a million second chances. I refuse to see the bad in anyone or in any situation. Senior year has hands down been one of the loneliest years of my life. I was so used to being adored and loved on, that I don't know how to actually let people be nice to me or hug me. I hate hugging people now, which is sad because I want to love people so intentionally. Regardless of who I am now, I know that the Lord has some crazy plan for me and I just have to trust Him and follow Him into the storm and out into the light.

No matter how lonely I am though, the Lord is constantly reminding me that I am worthy and I am loved and I belong here right now. He has blessed with amazing best friends this year who genuinely care about me and encourage me to seek God in all that I'm doing. I don't think I've ever had such a strong group of friends who are so loving and free and silly, and it makes me a little sad that in our last year to all be together, we are finally figuring out how to deal with confrontation and gossiping. Regardless, shout out to Kaley, Katie, Sam, Darby, Hannah, Grace, Kaylee, and Megan for having my back and being my rocks this year. They have given me strength when all I wanted to do was give up. They have given me so much advice on boys and what to wear and what to not care about. I'm so thankful that I have so many best friends who are always looking out for me and have my back. They make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. They drive me insane sometimes, but at the end of the day, I love them. They love me in the ways that I need to be loved this year and I am forever thankful for that.

Not only have my best friends been such a blessing to me this year, but so have my wyldlife babies. They are seriously the best, and they make me smile every time we hang out. Some of the best parts of my week come from hanging out with them and knowing that life in seventh grade is easy, but to them it's like the end of the world. I love looking into their sweet faces and knowing that the Lord loves them so deeply and He has so much in store for them. Sometimes, I even like to think about which ones will be sitting in my spot years from now, loving girls they once were. My wyldlife girls love me so well and know how to cheer me up. They make silly jokes and are completely disinterested in boys, and I love that. I see so much of who I was in them when I was in middle school, which is so silly, but I know that deep down they probably felt the way I did: lost. But because I had amazing wyldlife leaders, I found my way to the light. And I pray for that for all of my wyldlife girls as well. They're all my little sisters, even though sometimes I feel more like their mom when we hang out. I'm always making sure that they are behaving. No matter what, my wyldlife girls make everything so worth it this year. Hanging out with them and showing them who Jesus is, is more rewarding and life giving than partying is. When I laugh with them, or cry with them, or simply get to hang out with them, I see that they are the future powerhouses for the Kingdom and I want them to all love Jesus. Honestly, there are so many seventh grade girls, that I feel so blessed to be able to love them all individually. I feel like a big sister to 30 girls, and that's something I've always wanted. Being a leader to the sweetest and most incredible seventh graders ever, is rewarding and gets me excited for what the Kingdom is going to look like.

But, in the midst of all these baby sisters and best friends, I'm still so lonely. My heart is searching for fulfillment that only God can give to me. I think that I am running after the Lord with everything in me, but if I truly was, wouldn't I not be lonely? I honestly don't know the answer to this question. But I do know that I am dying to be made whole in Jesus. I want so badly to finally be okay and not feel lonely. I think I really struggle with the fact that God is not something that I can physically see or touch, so the loneliness is really great. For so long, I was the person that LOVED hugs and loved cuddling and just being in constant contact with others, but now, I HATE touching others. I can't stand it. I also think that's another reason why I feel so lonely, I won't let anyone into my little bubble.

In the midst of this battle of loneliness and feeling so full when I'm with my friends, I have found that the Lord is really blessing me with the sweetest moments and the best memories. I am beyond blessed, but being beaten down by stress.

God has good plans for my life, and I trust that, even when it doesn't seem like it right now.

Put it in perspective

Sara

Welcome to the PARTY!

God is so good, friends. I'm talking about jumping-for-joy, singing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs, greasy hair, wide eyed and mystified good.

For those of you who read this, and don't know, I'm a Wyldlife leader to a group of seventh grade girls that have absolutely stolen my heart and make me so proud. As a leader in Younglife,every fall, you go to Leadership Camp in the mountains. Today, I just got home from the most freeing and alive weekends I've had since senior year started. One thing I learned, is that the statement, "God is more evident in the backcountry" is SO TRUE. The Lord was glorious this weekend, and in more ways than one.

With a month of senior year down, and a few more to come, it seems as if the question of the year is: "What's after high school?" Honestly, I hadn't known what the answer was for a while, and I still am waiting on clarity. But, I think that the Lord is really calling me to be at CSU next year (if I get in), which I am so excited about! For a while, I was telling myself that Uganda was the right choice for me right after high school because it's an escape from everything that is dragging me down here. I was telling myself that Uganda would be my place of joy, and it is, but it's where I needed to be now, and there a year from now as well. God has really tried to teach me this year, that He is good no matter where I am. Which I now realize is so true. I've learned that it doesn't matter where I am a year from now, or where I am in ten years, what matters is the now moment. My heart longs to be somewhere besides Littleton, and CSU and Uganda or traveling the world seem like the very best answer; the easiest answer. But, my friend Carlee reminded me that joy and freedom do not resonate with a place, a person, or a thing. Joy and freedom come from knowing that the Lord loves me unconditionally. No place or thing will ever be able to offer me what I'm truly looking for. It's been cool to understand that concept this weekend as I have been hanging out with my closest friends that have become my family. For now, the Lord is tugging at my heart to be at CSU next year, but that could always change in a few months. At this point in the season of life that I am in, I am willing to go wherever God calls me to go because it is so pointless to not ride out the storm.

Not only has the Lord provided me with some clarity about what next year holds for me, He spoke so much truth into my heart and over my life. Every worship song we sang, there were moments when I would cy out in pain because my chest physically ached with sorrow and sadness, but the next moment I was rejoicing and smiling because I knew that while this brokenness sucks, it's not going to be like this forever. And that is something that is worth rejoicing over. Honestly, looking back not even 24 hours later, I don't really remember much about what the camp speaker had to say because I was so focused on other things, and the worship this weekend really filled my cup. However, this morning, I remember Terry, the Front Range Region Director, said, "let it go."

Friends, I have been told, "let it go", "don't collapse", "it's going to get better" so many times. I didn't want to hear it again. I just wanted people to let me sulk in my sadness and just be bitter about life. But, God had other things in store for me.

This morning I walked into the pavilion with 900 other Younglife leaders from all over Colorado. To our surprise, each chair had our mission statement, a CD, and a balloon attached to it. The room was filled from ceiling to floor with white balloons and gold string: heaven. It was a party, it was THE party that we all got invited into many years ago and haven't left yet. We have taken up our invitation and decided to hand it out to others, so that there may be thousands of pavilions filled with balloons and CD's and mission statements and laughter and glorious parties. This morning was God. There's no other way to explain it. This weekend I had been wrestling with the concept of "let it go", and the Lord was really stirring up my heart. As we worshiped and sang praises to our sweet, sweet Papa, leaders who felt compelled to share verses spoke them into the mic for all to hear, and it was good. There was truth proclaimed in every inch of that pavilion with the balloons touching the ceiling. Something good was happening, something I cannot explain to you. As Terry was sending us off into this coming year of leading Younglives, Capernaum, Younglife, and Wyldlife, she goes, "take hold of the balloon attached to your chair. Yank heaven down to you and grab hold of this incredible invitation to an eternal party. But know, that when you take hold of heaven, you are stepping into the future, into the now, and you are letting go of the past." In that moment, I yanked down my balloon and the tears came streaming down my face.

This was a moment of light being shed onto a whole lot of darkness. This was a moment that I will cling to in the days, and weeks, and months to come as I finish riding out the storm. I don't know how to explain any of what the Holy Spirit did with my heart this weekend, there is just no good description to what He has done. But know this, while I am still picking up pieces of brokenness glass, I have also let it go. My brokenness no longer defines the person that I was made to be. I am a child of God and He is calling me to higher things. But in order for me to reach those higher things, I needed to grab hold of heaven and let all the bitterness, anger, hurt, and pain go.

So, while I will still probably hear, "let it go," know that something this weekend happened, that is completely intimate between the Holy Spirit and I, and I will never be able to understand it fully. I feel restored and redeemed after this weekend, something I had been holding out for. As this semester begins, pray that I would be able to seek His Kingdom and keep inviting middle school boys and girls into the party, so that some day they too, might be able to let it all go.

Never miss out on the opportunity to love deeply on everyone. We are all dying to be made whole by our Creator, and this weekend, I was loved on deeply, by 900 people I don't know, and it was a time of restoration and hope arising. We are all searching for answers that only God can give us. So come, ask your questions, and be welcomed into the party.

Accept the Invitation
Sara

Rollercoaster Ride

Attitude can go a little or a long way, depending on how you approach the situation. I believe that if you go into every situation with an optimistic attitude, you will always have the best outcomes, no matter what.

Senior year has been such a rollercoaster ride for me. There have been days where I walk into school wanting to get off and go home, but then there have been days where I throw my hands up in the air and enjoy every second of it. Each day presents new opportunity and each day I get to choose if I'm going to take risks and chances, or if I'm going to shut down every opportunity I get. It's safe to say, that I'm not happy. I can't really explain it, but I know I'm not. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that so much is being thrown in my face; boys, football games, parties, WWW- basically everything any high schooler has to deal with. But for me, this year, it's been extremely hard for me to walk away from it all. I want to be in the depth of everything, I want to go to every school event and I want to go to every party and I want to flirt with every boy. It's as simple as this: I want it all. On the days when I do choose to ride the rollercoaster with my hands up in the air, they are the best and I know that God is good. But on the days when I want to get off, it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel- that this time of unhappiness will never come to an end. As I sat in church this morning, I questioned myself and the future and what the Lord has for me. I asked Him if CSU was really where I needed to be next year, or if I should be back in Uganda. I asked Him who I was. I asked Him to show me something, anything, to hold onto- to know that it was all worth holding on for. Friends, God did just that.

This morning, God reminded me of His goodness. But it wasn't like anything that I had been reminding myself like, "God is still good here like He was in Uganda, you just can't see it," or "God has promised better, hold out," it was God literally speaking to me saying, "You are not good right now, but I am. And that's enough to be happy." Honestly, it was the thing my heart needed to hear. Everyone has been telling me that it's going to be okay, and that I'm going to be happy again soon, or to let it all go. It's all great advice, but it's not helpful when I am constantly caught up in my emotions.

But because God is good, and He loves me, and He has promised me great things, I will stop crying and being sad and I will lift my hands up to the Heavens and REJOICE! God is crazy good and He will be my strength and my joy. He will be my unending song that I sing. He's a good good Father on the days I want to enjoy the rollercoaster and He's a good good Father when I want to get off. Because the Lord is good, I will stop stressing out over petty things like parties and boys and where I stand at football games. Just because I am a senior does not mean that I'm invincible and it doesn't mean that I need to be in the middle of it all. This week, I have been reminded of the exhaustion that comes along with going to sporting events and then waking up for school the next morning. I have been reminded that Jesus is the only thing that is every really going to satisfy my heart, not even being a part of every single event this year can do that.

There is life after high school and there is happiness after heart break. I think that right now, for me, everything seems so big and I need immerse myself in it all so I don't have any regrets. But, in nine short months, I will be done with high school and I will be onto the next adventure. High school will be in the rearview mirror and I will only have memories and friendships to hold onto. In all honesty though, whoever said high school is the best four years of your life, lied. Because, it's not. Sure, there are times when it's really awesome. But looking at three years passing by, it's just a phase of life where an instagram post starts drama, or homecoming dates are stressful, and the ACT determines your future. If you're going to let one chapter of four years of your life be "the best", then I feel sorry for you. There is a world full of opportunity out there, dying to be awakened and to be explored and rooted in. With that though, here's to the best four years of my teenage life. To the nights I spent tp'ing boys at three in the morning, to the awkward pictures taken for dances, to the days where you are too tired to function, to the nights you drove all around playing hostage because you just got your license. Here's to the class periods where the class clown was relentless and drove the teacher crazy, or to days where you counted down the minutes of sixth hour waiting for the big game that night, or t the moments where you thought nothing could be more perfect. High school, it's the perfect ending to our childhood, where we gain much more responsibility.

Senior year: the final year where you stress out about college, you fight like crazy with your parents, and you make every moment the best with your friends. This is the year where I get to say goodbye to kids I have never known and kids that I have known my whole life. The year where I get the choice to be happy and to walk away from Arapahoe with millions of friends, if I choose to say yes. What a rollercoaster it has been for me. But today, I'm choosing to finally live by Augustus Waters' saying: "I'm on a rollercoaster that only goes up." I know that it is cheesy, but I think it's finally time for me to stop stressing and worrying and being sad, and enjoy life the way God intended me to. And friends, I am so excited for it all.


So as I take a step back, and re-evaluate my sadness, I will remind myself that this life is good and that God is good, even if I am not okay. I will cling to the freedom and joy and love and peace that I found this past summer, and I will remind myself of the joy and abundant blessings that are to come. There is life after high school, and it's all going to be so good.

Attitude is the game changer. Life is good and God is good. So REJOICE and praise Him because He is a good good Father.

Sara

Uncharted Territory

Never put God in a box. He is crazy good. Last Friday, I thought senior year was going to suck. But boy, senior year has already surprised me. I'm obviously struggling to figure out what to do with my life still, but God is so gracious. Whenever I begin to doubt or begin to tally up the problems I have with people, God reminds me: 1) high grace- basically telling me that I should be more tolerant of the people who are hurting me because God has high grace for me, and 2) pray more, worry less. I think as I have sort of re-entered society, I have forgotten about what RMR and Uganda taught me this summer. And this morning, I remembered that I can't just "go with the flow" and let God do his work in my life. I am constantly making choices for my life because the Lord is giving me two things to always pick between: boys and Him. This has been a rather hard lesson for me to learn because I love attention from boys and I am rather boy crazy. But this morning, the Lord was just very patient with me and was showing me that I didn't need to have a boy in my life to know that I was loved...

On the solo night during RMR, my leader, Elise, and my guides, Allie and Steph, prayed over me before they left me that night. I remember Elise praying over me and asking the Holy Spirit to break down the walls between Him and I so that I could finally be His bride and that there would be a moment of intimacy between the Lord and I. Friends, that is EXACTLY what happened. Because there was no one else around me, I was really alone for the first time in a long time, I had to just trust that God was going to have my back. Once I realized that He had my back, I decided to let it go, I gave my broken heart to Christ and told Him I was going to trust Him with it because He is good and He isn't going to break my heart ever. That was so cool for me to experience. I finally stopped blaming God for my heart break and understood that I had to lose Sam in order for me to finally want Jesus more. This has actually been a really hard lesson for me to learn, but I don't think I would trade it for anything in this world. I was so in love with Sam, but the fact that I get to be in love with the Holy Spirit and know that my heart will never be broken by Him is one of the best feelings in the world. Solo night was a changing point for my heart.

For some reason though, lately I have begun to forsake being the Lord's bride and I have turned away from the love that He is offering me daily. This morning, He quietly whispered to me that I was enough no matter what boy did or didn't think so. Honestly, that is one of the most comforting and soul calming things for my heart to know right now. I am in a place of uncharted territory, I am still trying to figure out my place in Littleton, only because I know this is not where I belong long term. Plus, I am still dealing with heart break. But I'm clinging to God's promise of better for me, and that He is good, no matter what. God is still as good in Littleton as He was in Uganda, it's just not as easy for me to see that in so much hurt. However, I came across a quote on twitter (cheesy I know), but it really spoke to me about relationships in general. "Growing apart doesn't change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I'm glad for that." I think this speaks volumes about relationships and friendships that are no longer the way they used to be. Yes, it's sad, but sometimes one person can only make you love life for a little while and then you become unsatisfied. Then what? Sometimes people weren't meant to be in your life forever, maybe you outgrew each other. That's something that happens, and it's s sad to know that it's happened, but life goes on. My friend, Chance, and I were talking and he told me something I have to constantly remind myself about people that I have just met and want to be bff's with forever: "You're not supposed to be best friends with every awesome person you meet." What a true statement that is. Regardless of how much you loved them and how great that relationship was, sometimes you have to cut the rope so that you can grow. But just because the chord is severed does not mean that your hearts are not rooted deeply together or that you don't still miss them..

But God is still good, and every door you close, the Lord is going to open a new one and grow you all over again. It's a never ending cycle, but I truly believe that when we get very attached to a certain person, is when God takes them away. Why? Because we were not made to be dependent on man, we were made to be dependent on the Lord and need Him to fix us, not man. Our hearts should be deeply intertwined and rooted in who God says we are and the truth He is speaking to us daily.

So for now, no boys, just Jesus, and me being His bride. And that is what my heart loves, being in love with Jesus. I am loved, and I am loving. This morning, I woke up with a choice: boys or Jesus. Time and time again, I'm going to choose Jesus. Maybe someday, my heart will love again, but for now Jesus has captured me completely. I am forever His.

Senior year is surprising me, believe it or not, and I am loving every second of the freedom that I have found. I'm finding joy again and I'm learning more about who I want to be each day. Friends, never put God in a box. That's when He's going to surprise you.

Deeply Rooted and Established in His Love

Sar

A Doubting Heart

Today was my last first day of high school. I am now a senior, even though I feel like I should be a sophomore still. It's a weird feeling to walk down the hallways and see that freshman are looking to me for guidance. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't really know how I feel about being a senior in general. A part of me is so excited because I finally get to be the one the underclassmen look up to and I get to do all the senior things, but I am also so terrified. I have a new schedule, a new outlook on life, and a completely new after school routine. I have no idea what to expect from senior year, good or bad. All I've been told is "senior year will surprise you." The thing is, I'm not good with surprises and change. I like to be in control of everything going on and in the know of what's about to happen. But this year, it's all so different. I feel like I'm grasping at thin air for friendships I've had for years and I have to prove myself to be loved by anyone at this point. I don't get to have nights where I can just lay on the couch and cuddle anymore because I don't have a boyfriend. I don't get to have nights where I just want to drive around and talk about everything and nothing. I don't get my after school grilled cheese sand-which, and I certainly do not get any kisses for the time being. I don't get nights where I can just have a girls night. Girls night is every weekend. This is all so hard for me to understand because I've had it for so long, and now it's all gone. So yeah, senior year will be hard. But I think in the past week I've become so nervous and anxious about what this year is to bring, that I am forgetting that God is in complete control of it. And because I am forgetting that my life is in the hands of our Beautiful Creator, my heart begins to doubt the promises that the Lord has promised me.

This past summer changed my life hands down. In all honesty, I don't know why I asked the Lord to do what He did, but He answered my prayer and did it anyway. June was rough, I tried to escape all of my feelings and make life seem like it was a billion times better than it actually was going. Truth be told; I spent countless hours crying and moping around wishing I could go back and change it all. But then July came. And the Lord showed up big time (you can read earlier blogs to hear about more of my July). July was a month of promises that the Lord had promised for years, but it also ended with new promises. Two of the biggest promises that I heard God speak to me was 1) I have better for you, and 2) you are free in my love. On the easier days being home, clinging to this truth and these promises is not that hard. But on the days when I feel like there will never be an end to this storm, clinging to these two promises is so hard because my heart is doubtful. I have become so conditioned to believe that nothing is going to work out, that I will never love again just because one high school relationship ended. I have begun to believe the lie that boys will like me better if I act a certain way. I have begun to believe that senior year is going to suck just because I don't have a boyfriend anymore. However, the two promises that the Lord gave me back in July, constantly creep back into my mind when I need to hear them the most. Which is definitely God calling me back to His feet and humbling me. This past week, I have had this mindset that senior year is going to suck and that life in general won't get better. But last night, mid-freak out, my brother had to remind me that it's high school. It's high school. And by that, it means there is life out there beyond the walls that I learn in and the halls that I walk down. Right now, my heart knows that there is better out there for me, and that I am free in the Lord's love and no one else's, but it's hard to understand that life happens outside of high school too. In 20 years, I will look back on my first love and say, "that was fun, that was special, I don't regret it." But I don't think I will remember the heartbreak that went with it. So, while I sit in my car sometimes crying and throw my own pity party, I have to remember two things, 1) it's high school, and 2) God promises better.

Being an impatient 17 year old girl and knowing that God has better for me is very hard. Because it's like I know that something out there is worth waiting for and holding out for, but for how long do I hold out for? Ya know? It's frustrating because when my heart gets stabbed a little more, I begin t doubt that God even hears me cry out to Him. Which is probably the stupidest thing ever, because of course the God of the universe hears my sorrow. I want my better now, and I don't really want to wait much longer for it. But that's where faith and trusting the Lord comes in. If I really do believe that the Lord has better for me, I'm going to wait for it, no matter the hurt that comes along with it.

Of course, today was weird for me, unusual to what I'm comfortable with. But at this point, I've learned that if I'm so in love with the Holy Spirit, when am I ever going to be comfortable in this world? The answer to that is I probably won't be comfortable until I'm home, but when we go outside of comfort zone, that is where God meets us to test our faith in Him. Though I am uncomfortable with all this change and unknowingness, I know that the Lord is my foundation of truth that will always overflow my soul. Even though I wish that I could have my after school routine back, I wouldn't trade the love that I have for God for anything to be back to "normal". So to my friends who are reading this, who have been constantly reminding me 1) that God has better in store, 2) it's high school, and 3) be joyful; THANK YOU! I know I have been constantly rolling my eyes, but it's what the Lord is calling me to hear and respond to. So thank you, you are blessing my heart eventually.

As for senior year? I think I can face it. I think as long as I am continually seeking truth and rooting myself in God's abundant love, I will make it out alive and enjoy these 9 months that go by oh so quickly. I'm eager to see what the Lord has in store for me..

God Promises Better
Sara

In Desperate Need

In the past 5 years, Littleton has faced too many tragedy's, unfair ones. Each time, there is always an unconditional and constant outpouring of love. But at what cost does love need to be spread? Death. It's sad how someone dying is what it takes for us to realize that life is so precious and we need to make sure we know what is really important in life. But it's a consistent reminder at this point, that the only thing that matters is Jesus.

It's been hard for me to grasp that in every bad and traumatic event I've dealt with since sixth grade, there has always been an incredible outcome of goodness. I've seen the Lord work in amazing, indescribable ways. It's not the people that are raising millions of dollars to start up foundations, or the numerous candle light vigils we are going to that are making a difference. It's the moment that we feel the Holy Spirit come and sit by us, and weep alongside us. When something bad happens, I tend to blame God and yell at Him. Because He is all knowing, and He knows everything before it happens, it only makes sense that God could stop it too. But sometimes, He doesn't. And as a human, knowing that God can stop death, but won't, sucks. It even makes us question our belief in such a strong love and faith in something we cannot see. Every time I go to a candle light vigil, I am reminded that life is far too precious to mess around with, that relationships and people are important; not things, and to tell everyone you love them; it might be your last time to say that. In the midst of all the chaos, and hurt and anger, we should remember that Jesus feels our pain too, and He is weeping with us.

Growing up in an era where teenagers feel invincible and powerful, is hard. It just is. I am so guilty of feeling invincible all the time. It's like we've been taught to bottle up our feelings and act like nothing hurts us, when we all feel everything so deeply. We were made to hurt. We were made to be angry and to weep until the wee hours of the morning. But we were also made to love and rejoice. When I was in middle school, I would always ask myself, "What do people do in hard times when they don't have Jesus?" And I still ask myself that. I don't know the answer to that question, but I do know the answer to this question, "What do people do in hard times?" People love, and they cling to hope of better days. I, I, I cling to the Lord and know that He is good and that there will be beauty in all of this firey mess right now. It may be hard to see, but I always end up leaning back on knowing that there is goodness and beauty up ahead. Being a teenager, it is hard to admit that I am weak, and that I need help. But that is the most beautiful part of it all, I am weak and I need Jesus.

Right now, Littleton is weak and we need Jesus. We have put on this front that we are strong and that we don't need help. But in reality, we are weak. We have lost all hope. We have become discouraged and are at a point where we don't know if life around here will ever heal. Going to candle light vigils, and crying, and funerals, and hugging one another have become such a present thing in a majority of our lives, and that sucks. Except, every time we reveal our brokenness, we are admitting that we are weak and we NEED something better for us. That something better is Jesus. When I blamed God for taking all these precious people away from my friends and family, at some point, I had to realize that this was not God's own doing. It's the sin in our world that is dragging us all down. Sin is all consuming and we eventually will have to deal with it. But it's not easy to face death without our Refuge or Rock. Littleton is in desperate need of  a Savior, the whole world is. We are not invincible.

The past few days, while I have been dealing with grief, I have been constantly reminded that God is good. It doesn't feel like God is good right now because of all the pain we are all feeling, but deep down I know the He is. I feel like I've been given such a sweet opportunity to love on people really well and hard in the past few days, and shine the Lord's light on the brokenness. At the end of the day, we all are given that opportunity. I'm not saying that if we love well and hard, death will no longer be a thing, but there will be a chain reaction that starts and maybe one day, we won't have to frequently go to candle light vigils and funerals. Maybe one day, we will rejoice in the constant celebrations of life and know that they are ALIVE in Christ. Death is no easy thing to face, especially as a lost teenager in high school. But the Lord is good, and He hasn't failed me yet.

So, while my heart is broken and mourning the life of another, I have to keep reminding myself that God is good. And I just have to remember that we are in desperate need, all the time. And I hope you remember that too.

We Need Jesus because He is Good

A Week in the Back Country

I've had the best summer of my life. It has been extremely hard and at times, super lonely. But in the midst of a huge storm in my life, I fell completely in love with the Lord. God radically rocked my world this summer. There is no doubt in my mind that He is good.

Four days after I had come home from Uganda, where I spent the best 3 weeks of my life, I was on my way to spend a week in Wyoming backpacking with RMR Backcountry. Honestly, it was the best week of my life. I have never felt the Holy Spirit more intimately than I did this past week. God did so many radical things in my heart. I feel like I have come home a new, and different Sara than I was when I first went to Wyldlife summer camp with my 6th grade girle pies. Without a doubt, July 2015 has been the most faith formative month of my life. I have seen the Lord in all that is happening and changing around me. While I was backpacking, I made so many realizations about myself and I was forced to ask the Lord to physically give me strength to make it to our camp spot for the night. But as I was hiking, I had so much time to walk and think about what my life was going to look like from now and really thinking about what I had learned in Uganda. A huge part of my heart was left in Uganda, I will be going back, someday. RMR really opened my eye to the endless possibilities that God is opening up for me. Right now, it is with the deepest desire in my heart to go back to Uganda and just skip out on my senior year, but that is not where God wants me to be. That was something really hard for me to deal with right when I got home because I didn't want to have to deal with my brokenness in Littleton. But while I was on trail, I realized that Littleton is EXACTLY where I need to be right now; in the midst of my brokenness and putting down roots in my community. This has been a really cool thing for me to learn and grow into in the past 24 hours because coming home I had felt so discouraged in my relationships in Littleton. Uganda rocked my world, but in all honesty, it was preparing the way for what I was about to endure in this past week.

This past week, I was challenged greatly. I had to find strength in the Lord; physically and mentally. It sucked walking for so long and having my feet ache because they were going numb. But that's when the Holy Spirit kept whispering to me: "Press into Me more." It was super cool to hear what Jesus had to say to me. I felt so in touch with God. RMR made me realize that I don't want to be a doctor and I don't want to go to Baylor or UT. I realized that I LOVE people, and I love culture. I think a lot of that realization was heavily influenced from my time in Uganda, which is incredible. So now, I am going into my senior year very unsure of what my future holds, and where I will be going to college, but i's all okay, because I'm not in control of my life anymore: God is. RMR radically changed my life. I have never felt more alive and free than I have in the past week. This week I learned what true love looks like: God is the groom and I am His bride that He cannot wait to be in an intimate relationship with. It's been so cool, because during my solo night (a night where you sleep on your own, it's very safe), the Holy Spirit was my Comforter and my Peace. He romanced my heart and just called me to put it all to rest: my anxiety, my fear, my worry, my doubt, my anger, my bitterness, everything. God asked me to put it all down and look to Him. When I let it all down, when I let down the walls that I had quickly built after my breakup this summer, God just broke me and showed me that He loves more. He loves me more than any man in this world ever will, and that I have forsaken the first true love I once knew. My solo night was a game changer. The Lord called me out of my despair and took my heart and made it whole again. He showed me how good He was and how much He truly loves me. The Holy Spirit had shown me how much my heart was truly invested in Him, and how in love I was with Him. It was the most intimate I have ever been, with anyone. In that moment, I realized that I don't care what else happens to me, because I have fallen deeply in love with Someone who will never leave me or intentionally break my heart. It has been such an incredible awakening to my soul. And because God loves so unconditionally, I know that in His love, there is abundant life and joy and freedom.

RMR was a week to remember, but no words can do justice to what I've experienced in the backcountry. In all honesty, no words will ever be able to describe how good the Lord has been to me this July. I cannot explain to you how FREE and ALIVE and JOYFUL I feel. I have tasted and seen the sweetest of love, and I'm not going to look back.

I'm Free In His Love.

Sara

Surrendering All That I Am

So as it turns out, I was not able to blog while I was in Uganda. The summer leader of Come, Let's Dance thought it would be best for me if I wasn't apart of "this" world. And it turns out, that was the best thing for me.

I left Colorado with no expectations of anything being the same when I came home. I left Colorado without any expectations of Uganda. I left Colorado ready to give all that I am to the Lord. When I got to Uganda, I did just that. Everything inside of me felt at peace as soon as I stepped off the plane and smelled the fresh air of Uganda. I had texted close family and friends that I had made it safely to my new home for 3 weeks and disconnected from everything I was bound to here.

3 weeks came and went in the blink of an eye. In those 3 weeks, I spent a majority of my time teaching at a school in the Katanga slums called EMNET. Dylan Johnson, one of my brother's really good friends, has been going to EMNET three days a week every week since he got there in May. EMNET is a school where kids from the slums who WANT to learn can come and get an education for free. It's hard for the kids who show up to actually learn because EMNET only has two teachers for grades kindergarten through grade 5. So how the kids learn is by copying down the board and waiting until the teacher comes and writes something new down on the black board. It's not the best way to learn, because it's just memorizing a bunch of words. So when I went to EMNET with Dylan, I would teach P2 (second grade) and actually run through the curriculum with them. Being a teacher the second graders at the age of 17 is something I had no idea I would ever do, much less qualify for. It was frustrating teaching a class of 9 children that were all at different comprehension levels. If the smartest kid in the class knew the answer, she would shout it out, and then the other kids who had no idea what the answer was, would just echo her. Or if they were trying to do math problems on their own, they would look at their desk partner and ask them for the answer. Which in the end, does not benefit their learning. It was hard to let the kids know that copying one another was not an effective way to learn. I was constantly battling the urge to scream or yell at them because I didn't want to make them feel bad about learning. Towards the end of my time at EMNET, I was reminded that going to the school and teaching them was not about actually making them understand the content they were learning, but to show them what LOVE looked like. It hit me that these kids may not know the true meaning of love or they don't get enough of it at home. Once I realized that, I was humbled and placed back into the reality that I wasn't put here on this earth to condemn and teach students the "right" way, but I was put on this earth to simply love people at their best and at their worst. That realization hit me hard, and I finally let everything I was so frustrated about in the classroom, go. I just didn't care anymore. All that mattered was that I was showing up to teach these kids the best way that I can, but to love them more than anything.

EMNET was not the only school that I was involved with, I also helped out at WCIA, which is the school that CLD actually partners with. WCIA was incredible, the school and the kids house. I loved it so much. The kids house is where all the kids that attend WCIA who board, go back to sleep at and play at during the term. WCIA is great, the teachers and the kids are all so sweet. There isn't much for volunteers to do at WCIA, because they have a full staff and the head mistress, Sherinah, is incredible, but not having to help out much, is a really great problem to have. I didn't really spend much time at WCIA, but rather the kids house. The kids house is so full of life and love. The kids all look after one another like they are one big family. They have such kindness in their hearts and put the other first. There was so much joy in everyone of their hearts because they had no way to be concerned with twitter or facebook or instagram. The kids have less in their life materialistically, but they have so much more than anyone I know. Three girls in particular stole my heart: Janat, Tus, and Favor. These three girls, they brought me so much joy in the midst of feeling completely hopeless in brokenness. Janat had shown me that I was welcome and that I was wanted. Janat had given me the opportunity to love and be loved so much more in return. She had shown me that she genuinely wanted a friendship that was like a sisterhood. I loved that. I was there for a little over two weeks, and she invited me into her heart forever. It was one of the greatest gifts I could've ever been given. Tus and Favor were the silliest little girls I had ever met. They loved on me and played with me and hugged me until my body ached. They let me serve them in the most humbling ways, and it was a blessing. But Tus, Favor, and Janat not only made my heart dance in joy, but every kid at the kids house did that. Especially on Sunday mornings. Sunday mornings, my mom and I would go to kids church at the kids house and have church with the kids and listen to Pastor Sarah. She was INCREDIBLE. Kids church is like nothing I've ever experienced. If you ever want to see kids worship the Lord with such authenticity, I suggest you come to Uganda, because these kids, at the age of 5, sang their heart out and had faith that moved such mountains. They danced and jumped and moshed with one another while they praised our Father at the top of their lungs. It made me realize that I wanted that- I wanted to jump and dance every time I sang about my Father. I left Uganda, leaving my heart with these kids, hoping one day to return and never come back to the states.

But besides actually hanging out with kids and the community at basecamp, there was something inside of me that was stirring up. When I left Colorado, I was broken and lost and confused. I felt like I was drowning in self-pity but also a pool of pain. I was bleeding recklessly and I thought that nothing would ever heal my broken heart. Being without social media for three weeks, seriously changed the person that I am. I no longer had control over what my ex was doing, or what my friends were doing. I had to worry about myself, or so I thought. When I got to Uganda, my world was radically rocked. I learned that in order to have what I really wanted; the Lord, I had to be willing to give up EVERYTHING that I had control over. So in this case, that meant my friends, my safety, my heart, my feelings, my life, literally everything. At first is was super hard, but everyday it got so much easier and I found peace within my heart. Every time I began to worry about social media and the world I had come from, I would find a calming sensation overwhelm my soul and whisper to me "Come to Me, My Beloved." Each time I wanted to wander my own way, He would remind me that I am His and that I was in Uganda because He was calling me there to be with just Him. Let me tell you something, I have never fallen more in love with anyone in 3 weeks than I did with our incredible Creator. I saw the Lord in so many sweet faces, in the sunrises and sunsets, in the lush mountains, and the trash that covered the streets in Katanga. I tasted His goodness in the food that I was eating, in the fresh air that I was breathing and in the tears that fell down my cheeks. God was there and He was good. He had shown me that in the midst of all my brokenness, He has better plans for my life, and I just needed to yield all that I am to Him in order for Him to do His work in my heart. The Lord had shown me that I could be stripped of the most important thing and that I was going to end up okay- one broken heart would not be the end of my life for me. In fact, God had shown me that He is more than I will ever think of Him to be. The hardest part for me was knowing I could come home and chose what my heart really ached for, but that at the end of the day it wouldn't be as life giving, and ultimately end up like it did before I left for Uganda. It is safe to say, that my heart has been wrecked, completely. I am completely broken, and I have no idea of who I am all that much. But knowing that I am a child of the King with no limitations, makes my heart dance in freedom because it means that no matter how broken I am, God can bless me greatly and bring me joy in the midst of all my tears and ashes.

Uganda was life changing, and one blog post does not give it's greatness justice. But I am still processing all the changes and things I have learned there. So don't fret, there will be more to come, but I am still processing the greatness of our Lord and His abundant joy. We serve an amazing God, who is never going to let us walk through darkness alone, because He is going to be the light that shines on us when we need it most.

Tomorrow, I leave to go backpacking for a week in Wyoming, so there I will have more time to process my trip and the joy that I have been given by our Gracious Father.

Sara

Season of Independence

It seems as if for a while my head has been cluttered and my mind has been in the clouds. Junior year was a year for discovering the person I wanted to be and the people I wanted to surround myself with. It was a whirl wind; full of academics, late night cuddle sessions, drama, lacrosse games, Wyldlife on Thursdays, a year that I didn't want to end because it felt like a fairy tale. But junior year came to an end, and I have begun to prepare for my trip to Africa in two days. I'll be gone for three weeks. No phone, no twitter, no instagram, no facebook. I'm so excited but I have no idea what God has in store for me.

Back in May, I asked God to make me completely His. I asked the Lord to take everything from me and do His will in my life. I asked Him to take me and break me. He did in fact, just break every part of me, even my heart. Earlier, this summer, my boyfriend of a year and some odd months, broke up with me. Now, I'll spare you the details, because they don't really matter. What matters is that Sam is still an incredible human being, but we both need to figure out who we want to be. We had spent our whole junior year together, being known as the other's boyfriend or girlfriend. As much as I loved that title, I think it's refreshing to know that I'm going to get a new "label" from the Lord this summer.

I've been asking the Lord to constantly do His will in me. I've been asking God to give me more of Him, and to fill my cup. I've been asking Him to keep breaking me until I am completely His. That's all I really want at this point. All I want is to know Jesus and make Him known. Recently, I've had to give up control of my life, and let Jesus do what He wants with it. For me, that is so hard because I love control and I hate the unknown. I hate being alone.

But the Lord is teaching me that the season of independence is not about actually being alone, it's a season of being 100% dependent on who He is and His plans for my life. Yes, there are many nights where I am physically alone, and emotionally, I am a wreck, but Jesus' truth has remained true. He is never going to leave or forsake me. Maybe He had to take Sam out of my life so that I can learn how to truly be dependent on the Lord. And I hate that I feel so alone, but in the moments where I'm curled up in a ball crying, He comforts me. He tells me I am chosen. He tells me He wants me. He tells me that I am wanted. He tells me that there is hope for this broken heart. He is mending me, He is making me new again. I am so lonely in this season, but I know that the Lord is stringing together this plan so delicately, because He has shown me.

I'm tired of feeling this way; broken, bitter, hurt, angry, sad. But I know that in the midst of all this emotion, God is calling me to a place where I can seek joy and know beauty. The Lord is calling me to a place of creativity and healing, where I can shout His praise at the tops of my lungs. He is calling me to a place where I have always dreamed about going- Africa.

Africa is my dream. I want to live there and be so present in all that is happening there. I want to help and to serve and to fall deeply in love with the wind and the sky and the soil. I want to fall deeply in love with the culture and the hope in the eyes of broken people. I want to be there. And in two short days, I will be. And I believe that when I get there, the Lord will speak to me in new ways and He will continue to reveal His truth to me. I am so excited. I know that it will be so good for my broken heart to find joy in simplicity and put my hurt into making beauty. I want to feel God, and I want to move towards Him.

In the midst of this hurt, I am falling so in love with the Lord. I have never wanted anything more than I have ever wanted Jesus this summer. It's not even that I want Jesus for myself, I want Jesus for my wildlife girls and for my friends. I want them to want Jesus like I do. And I think that's why we're here, so that we can want Jesus for ourselves, and want Jesus for others.

I hope that the rest of my summer is spent with Jesus, wanting Him, seeking Him, loving Him, praising Him. I hope the rest of my summer is spent finding joy in the "label" that the Lord is calling me to. Friends, I am in the thick of the season of worldly independence, but even more thick in the season of dependence on the Lord. I am learning that my new label, is "Sara Davis: chosen child of the Most High King."

I hope to keep you updated while in Africa, if not
Love Hard Friends